Quaglione Really Wants You Guys To Stop Stealing His Amazon Deliveries
*Satire ahead!*
John Quaglione, Republican City Council hopeful for the 43rd district, held a press conference today in front of the 64th Precinct Building yesterday to further expand on his “Eyes on the Street” proposal, which would allow citizens to view each others webcam footage via. a centralized NYPD database. The surveillance program is one of Quaglione’s key security policies and centers around stopping you from stealing the god damned packages from off his stoop, you meddling kids.
“I knock on doors in this beautiful neighborhood, which really is the best neighborhood in the city, and I talk to so many wonderful people who tell me their biggest concerns.” said Quaglione, standing in front of a tripod with a poster taped to it which he generously called a podium. “I hear the same thing over and over again, each door I knock on. And what I hear is myself, interrupting and complaining to everyone about how someone keeps stealing my Amazon deliveries.” Quaglione then looked squarely into a camera and narrowed his hollow eyes, and added: “Well you picked the wrong person to mess with. I will have millions of taxpayer dollars and a surveillance state at my command. I will crush you.”
When asked why he doesn’t have a real podium, Quaglione seethed: “I ordered one, but some punk kid stole it. And don’t tell me this is UPS’s problem for lazily leaving packages on doorsteps even when there is a signature required. Don’t tell me it’s my fault for not visiting local mom and pop stores, or contributing to the local economy. The government must protect multinational shipping companies from crummy operational decisions, that’s governments purpose. That and making sure I get my weekly bags of sugar-free gummy bears to hand out to constituents and poll workers.”
Quaglione’s solution is called “Eyes on the Street”, a proposed NYPD surveillance program that allows residents who submit Quality of Life complaints to look into each others webcam footage and let that data reside on private police servers in order to facilitate vigilante justice against fellow neighbors. [Editors Note — No, seriously, that’s his solution]
Upon uttering the phrase “Eyes on the Street” in reference to a program which sacrifices neighborhood privacy in order to solve a problem caused by private delivery companies being greedy, renowned urban planner and reformer Jane Jacobs reportedly rolled over in her grave several times. Sharing her concern were small-government Republicans, liberal police-reform advocates, and the beat cops who actually help prevent quality-of-life crimes.
The two residents attending the press conference erupted in cheers, finally promised freedom from the tyranny of having to file police reports for crimes. “It feels great to sacrifice my privacy and provide data to thieves by posting videos of crimes on social media.” said one attendee. “It really made my complaints go viral. Fully allowing the NYPD and the public to access my data without oversight is even better, especially since they have such a good track record with surveillance footage.”
The origins of Quaglione’s “Preventative Video Database” came from a consistent, years-long battle against a single guy in a hoodie who kept stealing his stuff. “I’ve worked for Marty Golden my entire adult life, and most of that work is at night, so I’m usually asleep during the day and can’t pick up my packages. And each and every time, this one jerk keeps stealing my stuff. Whether it’s my favorite book, or a gallon of graffiti remover, a delivery of delicious blood, or a twenty-pack of “Five-Hour Low-Energy”.
When asked about his program encouraging vigilantism, sacrificing privacy, the possibility of hacking, over-burdening the police department, the ineffectiveness of cameras as a deterrent, and simply going so wildly overboard that his head needs examining, Quaglione replied:
“Extending surveillance programs into peoples homes is just the start. We will soon be expanding to phase two. Too often, our Districts problems are ignored. I will not ignore them. I promise give them my full, bumbling, and ill-informed attention, especially if it means less work for me and fewer civil liberties for everyone else.”
You only have until October 13th to change your party or register to vote in next years 2018 Primaries! You can have an effect in your local government. Register today!
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