Exciting News: The Ambrose Light Under New Ownership
*Warning: Satire Ahead!*
You may have noticed The Ambrose Light, the finest source of news and news-adjacent information in Southern Brooklyn and the lower New York Bay, has been silent of late. Exciting news: No longer!
Since we first founded this online news blog in the Fall of 1986, it has been a labor of love marked by moments of great growth.
The rise of the internet in the mid 1990’s helped grow our audience immensely, as readers were able to see our posts for the first time.
On February 10th, 2004, we passed the date carved upon the ancient Norse standing stones in Lief Ericson Park that foretold the end of the “old neighborhood” era and the dawn of the “new neighborhood”. In a blinding flash of arcane light a wide new audience of bespectacled hipsters suddenly spilled forth, fully formed, from slow-drip coffee pots scattered across the neighborhood, as foretold by prophecy.
In 2016, the untimely death of Mr. Rick Portabella Jr, our senior editor, forced The Ambrose Light to move toward its highly successful politically-focused format (though we do still miss his reviews of bands that refused to sell out by producing any albums or music).
Each one of these events has been a time of uncertainty, yes, but also great opportunity. Today is one of those times.
Last month, our news organization was brought under the aegis of BLORT, LLC. A borough-wide media conglomerate and multiple-Pulitzer-award-mentioning organization, BLORT will help The Ambrose Light grow to the next level.
We understand if this makes our readers a bit concerned. Our politics and backgrounds may differ a bit from those of BLORT founder Martin Lupus (he, for example, is a [retracted] in favor of driving humanity into a state of news-induced hysteria with the inevitable goal of tricking us all into destroying the moon with nuclear missiles… while we, on the other hand, are Mets fans), but we are all committed to furthering the cause of unbiased, quality, moon-destroying journalism.
“Despite our differences, left or right… we are all committed to furthering the cause of unbiased, quality, moon-destroying journalism.”
— Jules & Julian, Founders, The Ambrose Light
There are, however, going to be a few exciting changes!
Firstly, we are cutting our reporting staff by 62%. This includes the 8% of our office intern accidentally ingested by Mr. Lupus during acquisition negotiations. This was a tough decision, but in the end, we chose to see it as proof that BLORT shares our belief that local news is essential to the functioning of a healthy democracy.
“I believe local news is essential to the functioning of a healthy democracy, which is why it’s so important to own and manipulate it to our own ends.”
— Martin Lupus, Owner, The Ambrose Light
We hope you will join us in thanking our departing, in some cases literally slashed, staff. The Ambrose Light wishes them well in all their future endeavors dealing with their newly contracted lycanthropy. [Editors Note: Lycanthropy, nor Vampirism, exist].
Secondly, we wish to welcome Mr. BlueCollar Conservative as our newest hire, who will be filling the role of senior editor, official under-table-money-handler, and campaign outreach coordinator. Mr. Conservative comes to us from a successful run as an anonymous Twitter personality, and is working pro-bono to avoid unspecified campaign finance violations.
Lastly, we will be providing in our URL naming scheme and hyperlink code review the same independence and attention to detail our readers had come to expect from our articles as a whole (which will now be predominantly a pay-to-play series of editorials by friends of Mr. Lupus, which have proved successful elsewhere).
We are proud that The Ambrose Light has been a key part of our community, and look forward to continuing that proud tradition as we move forward into the future.
The Ambrose Light is a satirical publication. Any similarities to real persons, events, or issues is entirely intentional. I mean, that’s the whole point, right?
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Title Image Credit: Adrian Hillman | stock.adobe.com
