Republican City Council debate paints 43rd District as “apocalyptic hellhole”
*Satire ahead!*
Observers attending the Republican portion of this past Tuesday’s 43rd District City Council primary debate held at Xavarian High School can only infer that their neighborhood has been teleported to a circle of hell. Based on descriptions of the problems facing the formerly bucolic neighborhoods of South Brooklyn, the area is now entirely uninhabitable. Candidates painted a picture of a district scourged by rampant fiscal city mismanagement, Orwellian conspiracy, and roving bands of paid cannibals bankrolled by George Soros and bussed in from Williamsburg.
During a discussion of trash pickup in the neighborhood, candidates say it has gotten worse since garbage trucks have done bulk pickups with a separate truck. “Forget racism, rich-poor divides, lobbyists, and gerrymandering. Our once fair and beautiful neighborhood has been beset by swarms of locusts driven mad by the smell of overflowing garbage-cans.” blasted candidate Liam McCabe. “My dog was nearly carried away by the raccoon-sized locusts. Chasing the hissing beasts, I ran down what remains of 12th avenue, dodging brimstone smoking in what could be charitably called sunlight, only to be splattered in the face by a slurry of half-liquid refuse erupting volcanically from a corner waste bin. Newborn children have been swallowed whole by the roiling mass of waste. And we have DeBlasio to blame.”
Answering a question about the homeless crisis, Lucretia Regina-Potter explained, “I disagree with Liam. The issue is not the festering mountains of garbage, but festering mountains of homeless. They sleep, sometimes stacked five or six on top of one another, jenga-style, beneath our overpasses and in corners of parks. We should not be forced to drive by these people on our way to work, or forced to have our dog-walkers encounter them at 7am in nearby parks, lest we too become homeless through exposure. I tried to take out money at 2am from an ATM, and one of these fools had the temerity to attempt to stay alive by huddling in there for warmth. If this keeps up, I’ll never be able to visit an ATM, and become homeless myself. This problem has gone too far.” Lucretia had brought a chart, depicting her proposal to solve the crisis by painting over all homeless people with a mural and then ban all homeless shelters, from which they spawn and breed.
“No, Lucretia” interjected Bob Capano during a particularly tense portion of the debate. “You are too soft on the real perpetrators, not the poor, but the fat-cat Communist Muslim Asian liberal elites that are coming into our neighborhoods and stealing our jobs, firstborns, and ruining our bakeries with their immigrant pastries.” railed Capano, turning beet red, then suddenly calming.
“Diversity and openness is what our community stands for, and is our primary strength as a nation. That being said, these people are absolutely cannibals in league with the gnomes that conspire to derail our subways. And these so-called public servants…” added Capano, pointing at the Democratic candidates who had finished their debate earlier and were chatting amicably nearby, “… are utterly derelict in their duty of disavowing these nefarious gremlins and their Park Slope elite paid protestor communist immigrant activist paid democratic machine deBlasio…” sputtered Capano, suddenly smoking at the ears and emitting a rattling sound, and who had to be wheeled out on a hand truck.
“It’s all about the broken windows.” said Quaglione when asked about a recent attack on a Muslim servicewoman from this past fall. “You have graffiti all over the place, on signs, on mailboxes, on walls. It’s so much graffiti, it will literally melt your eyes out of their sockets and leave them bloody maws. The people of the 43rd district chose to live here for peace, quiet, and steadily improving property valuations. Not to have their eyes melted.”
“Or their mouth flooded with sewage spat out of overflowing dumpsters any time they have the balls to speak out against our demon mayor.” added McCabe.
The nearly one-hour debate led to heated disagreement between the candidates on the cause of issues ranging from bulk pickup of trash, the illegal conversion of housing into witches covens, and noise complaints due to the audible crumbling of moral standards and family values. All candidates agreed, however, that the lack of parking was irrefutably the work of an uncaring, old-testament god.
