Schoolchildren Defend Final City Council Debate with Powers of Love, Imagination
*Satire ahead!*
Three Republican candidates for City Council refused to appear at the final District 43 Brooklyn City Council debate last night, but not for lack of trying.
A line of Elementary school students, channeling the dual virtues of love and imagination, successfully drove three Republican candidates back into the void from whence they came. Bob Capano, LIAM MCCABE and John Quaglione, fresh off a night of race baiting and invective, wielded dark forces of xenophobia and hollow promises in an attempt to turn an informative debate into a sideshow of fear. Standing against them in front of the Bay Ridge Library was a stoic line of children aged six to eleven, holding up their favorite books and using love to sustain an impenetrable force-field of kindness.
The Republican candidates made repeated attempts to enter the sacred ground of the library throughout the course of the event. “Only I can fire de Blasio!” hissed MCCABE to the children through a forked tongue. “I have a six-hundred and sixty six point plan! Abandon your books for my promises, children…” Standing in LIAM’s path, however, was Susan, 3rd grade at PS 170, who held up a pink trapper-keeper. MCCABE cried out in fear, smoke billowing out of his eyes: “Noooo! My lies, they are ruined! You’ve done your homework!” said MCCABE, spitting out the last word with disgust and surprise. Susan replied, “You made my Uncle sick. Go home you mean, loud man!” before reciting a list of books she had read over the summer, causing MCCABE to become semi-transparent and his voice to shrink into a feeble squeak.
“Go home, you mean, loud man!” — Susan, age 8
The cabal of Republican candidates used all the tricks at their disposal to infiltrate the debate. Where MCCABE’s lies and hollow promises failed, candidate John Quaglione attempted to lull the children into a deep, complacent slumber. “Don’t you recognize me? I’m John, but call me Q… I work for kindly old man Marty down the block… you know Marty, don’t you? I work for everyone… for all of us.” Upon attempting to approach, however, Quaglione was suddenly hurled over twenty feet backward by a puppy-headed rhinoceros named Bubbles, conjured into being by fourth-grader Anna Wing. “Imagination! Love!” chanted the kids in unison. “You are boring and lazy and have no heart! We want fun new ideas!” shouted Anna. “Like Bubbles!”
Bubbles could not be reached for comment, but appeared to be colored “polka-dot”.
Remarkably, Republican candidate Lucretia Regina-Potter was able to pass unharmed through the force-field at 5:51pm, along with the Democratic candidates and citizens intent on listening to a debate filled with excitement, good humor, and fresh ideas that were equitable to all.
“How!?” sputtered Capano, eyes locking with Mrs. Regina-Potter as she passed the threshold of the local cathedral of learning. Capano had kept quiet throughout most of the first hour of the assault. However, on viewing multiple people of color and neighbors of different political beliefs entering the building, Capano’s guise of bipartisan concern quickly evaporated, revealing his outer face to be a Plasticine mask hiding a visage of scarred hatred and fear. “My tax-payer dollars are going to educate these… these… things!?” screeched Capano, who unleashed a brutal tirade of hate-speech toward the assembled innocents that caused the children to stagger back and the force-field to flicker ominously.
What happened next will stay with this reporter until the end of his days. A small six-year-old fresh from her first day of school emerged, silent and unafraid. Witnesses report that she calmly walked up to Capano and held aloft a small, shining object: her first library card, which began to glow with the radiance and potential of a thousand young minds. The force-field shimmered bright gold, and expanded. Unable to hold their ground, the Republican candidates physical shells reverted into shrieking wraiths who subsequently flew off into the night, hissing “We’ll see you in the general!”.
Representatives of MCCABE, Capano and Quaglione each subsequently cited scheduling conflicts for their inability to attend the debate, along with a copy of a blood pact made between the three in an indecipherable language, and topped with the sigil “mg.”
The children released a statement looking forward to their second day of school, along with a vow that they would return to defend the neighborhood again should the need arise.
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