Man Applying to be Paid Protestor Not Sure Where to Send Resume

Dave Stewart: Freelance Protestor

26 year old Dave Stewart, who is hoping to become one of the paid protestors he’s heard so much about on the news, is not sure who to contact about the job.

“These dudes on the news keep saying that there’s this huge market for paid protestors, but they never say what you have to do to get in on it!” says Stewart. “Who should I email?”

Stewart believes his credentials should be more than enough to get him a job as a professional protestor. His resume includes dog-sitting for his parents, with whom he still lives, and selling marijuana to his friends, who are also his parents.

“Yeah I sell a bit of weed.” he admits. “But that’s just the kind of anti-establishment rebel I am.”

Under skills, Stewart has listed chanting, throwing things, and holding a sign. Stewart tried going to a few protests to network, but was met with less enthusiasm than he expected.

“I was hoping to get some contacts, maybe even some references, but no one wanted to help me! The professional protest scene is very competitive. No one wants to help a guy out.”

Stewart plans to keep trying. He hopes that this could turn into a legitimate career for him.

“I think the real problem is no one wants to pay protestors when there are millions of people protesting for free!” said Stewart. “How do I compete with that?”