Hipster broflake doesn’t like Woke Vets, sends funny hate mail about it
Some people have no chill.
Anna and I knew that when we were starting this project. We were particularly mindful of it when we launched our Woke Vets series.
Most responses to this series of interviews with progressive veterans have been positive. We’ve understandably been criticized for not including women yet, not to mention more people of color. We must note that some people who have served are wary of backlash when discussing gender and race issues as related to their service. The current state of the series is a reflection of interview requests getting turned down for legitimate reasons. We’re hoping this will change soon, however.
We have also received complaints that we are not speaking to conservative/pro-Trump veterans, but that was not the plan for this series to begin with.
Then there are those who are upset simply because we’re giving veterans a platform and calling them “woke.” Hipster Broflake is one such person. We made the decision to conceal his identity but do feel we’re justified in pointing out that this is a white dude who lives in Brooklyn (and whom I met when he was a private school student in North Carolina). You know, for extra context.
“Stealing the word ‘woke’ from people who would never serve the military-industrial complex is genius. Of course you wouldn’t care that this action of yours is extremely triggering for marginalized people.”
So no marginalized people have ever served in the military, got it. Also, hipster broflakes are entitled to lecture two women with chronic PTSD about what is and isn’t “triggering” for others. When in doubt — lecture women.
“Of course you also insidulously [sic] used a token black male to normalize a series that is essentially a glorification of our military-industrial complex and how it sends people overseas to kill brown folks. Points to Slytherin.”
First of all, I didn’t realize that people still used “points to [insert a Hogwarts house]” unironically, so that’s good to know.
Second of all, the “token black male” being referenced here is Dylan Park, who spoke to us about everything from his grandfather being murdered by the KKK to racism in the military.
Thanks for dismissing Dylan as a “token”! Of course white dudes who live in Brooklyn are the real experts on race issues anyway. I guess Dylan should apologize for speaking out of line on this — when we could’ve just interviewed you, Hipster Broflake!
“In general the subtle propaganda being used in this series is clever. Clearly Natalia your Russian heritage (and Anna’s as well) did not go to waste. The shot of the white guy with the pigeon, symbolizing peace and covering for the death and destruction these “woke vets” of yours have wrought is nothing short of magic.”
The “white guy with the pigeon” is of course Adam Linehan, a former combat medic.
True story: While Adam was serving overseas, I contacted him through my KGB mind-melding machine, and was like, “I need you to take a picture with a pigeon. We’ll use it in military propaganda in seven years or so. The propaganda series will be focused on problems in/around the military (and the way civilians don’t relate), but that will be a DISGUISE for our ancient Slavic brainwashing technique. When people see you with that fucking pigeon, they’ll make the connection to peace, and thousands of hipster broflakes will run, stumbling over cartons of almond milk and six-packs of Miller High Life, into the arms of their nearest Army recruiter.”
Then I laughed. Like this:
And the deal was sealed.
“And please don’t think that people haven’t noticed that all of the men you have interviewed are conventionally attractive. Do you discriminate on that or did you realize that you couldn’t sell this thing unless they were?”
God, Hipster Broflake, you can’t write good (and need to learn to do other stuff good too). But you’re right. When the Pentagon delivered a sack of blood dollars to Anna and I as incentive to do this series, they included a note that said, “Pick the hot ones.” So we did. I also discriminate on looks as a rule. When I went to spend my blood dollars at Barney’s, for example, the woman ringing up my new python-stamped shoulder bag didn’t have a manicure, so I flipped my shit and beat her with my umbrella (also python-stamped).
“As for the guy you interviewed who said he joined the military to get out of poverty, he’s an insult to millions of poor people who don’t go killing people in order to better their situation.”
What a totally fair statement to make about Tim Hardin, whom we spoke to at length about everything from the evil of civilian casualties to the need for free public education.
Yep, Tim’s existence sure is an “insult”! Or maybe you misspelled that bit and it’s actually supposed to read, “I’m a dick who knows nothing about actual poverty but have read about it on Tumblr once, hence this whole pathetic excuse of an e-mail.” I dunno, just throwing it out there.
“But while I’m critical of your attempt to whitewash the military, I’m an admirer of how it’s done. By interviewing the perfect Masculine Ideal you left no room for difficult questions.”
I’m not sure I know what the above means — and am not sure I want to know what the above means.
What I AM certain of is that the award for Shittiest Response to the Woke Vets Series So Far has found a winner. Not to mention the fact that this response perfectly encapsulates the idiotic attitude many of our nation’s privileged have towards the military — it’s an extreme version of a sentiment we’ve encountered time and time again since launching the series.
Take a bow, Hipster Broflake. Your medal for extraordinary courage in the face of having your desperately fragile masculinity threatened by people who have fought our nation’s wars is in the mail.
