Self Care Over the Holidays: Five Things To Help You Survive
The holidays are the time of year we love to love and love to hate. Many people struggle with anxiety, depression, burn out, and loneliness.
In the frenzy of “so much to do,” “so many people to see,” “so much to buy” and “so much to try not to eat,” our stress levels rise, our routines, sleeping habits, (imaginary) workout schedules and diets get thrown out, and we are surrounded by family (or starkly alone)…the perfect storm. So where to begin?
1. Check-in with yourself, listen, & just say, “No.”
Amidst the obligations (and fears) of the holidays, it is rare that we check in with ourselves and ask, “Hi self, how are you? What is your ideal holiday? Do you really want to do all of this? Is ________ something that will bring you joy/happiness?”
Self care begins with checking-in, listening to yourself, and often saying “no” to things. It could be big things like a holiday party, hosting an event, or even a family affair. It may be something small, like buying a few more gifts or watching a movie with your partner. Creating space for yourself by asking and standing up for what you need is the beginning of self care, sanity, and happiness.
You may say, “Yeah, that sounds great, but it feels a little selfish and irresponsible,” or “I’ll just feel too guilty.”
Here’s the thing: If you don’t take care of yourself, you will not be able to truly give to or be present for others.
How can you be a good daughter, fun parent, loving partner, or caring friend if you’re burned out? As the phrase goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first”. If you want to be able to have fun this holiday season, give to others, or just maintain your sanity — it starts with giving to yourself. The most precious gift is often just space and time.
Asking, listening to, and giving yourself the permission to say “no” is the beginning of self care.
2. #TakeAMoment
No matter how busy you are — the kids, shopping, last minute meetings, holiday parties, or your Facebook feed — you CAN find a moment for yourself. It can literally be 60 seconds. You don’t need to take a meditation class or set aside a whole afternoon to make a difference (although that is nice too!) You can find a moment in the bathroom, in an Über, on an elevator, in the kitchen, walking your dog…any moment!
In those precious 60 seconds, simply focus on your breath. If you can, close your eyes, and breathe through your nose. Put your hands on your belly and feel it rise and fall with each breath. Feel the air entering your nostrils, touching the back of your throat, and filling your lungs, your belly rising. As you exhale, feel your stomach fall and the air gently leaving your nose. Then again…in and out…in and out. Try to take 10 breaths like this. If your mind wanders off (totally normal), simply let go and gently bring your attention back to the awareness of your breath.
Studies show that breathing in this way for even a short time sends a signal to our nervous system which can promote feelings of calm and influence the release of cortisol, the stress hormone.
You may be surprised at how many “moments” you can find throughout the day if you’re on the look out. No one it too busy to #TakeAMoment.
3. Take a break from the merry-go-round (or death spiral) of thoughts.
Much of our stress during the holidays (and pretty much all of the time) can be caused, and perpetuated, by our own thoughts, especially the ones that set themselves on repeat. We think about certain situations over, and over, and OVER again. During the holidays these can be anxieties about being with family or perhaps because we find ourselves alone. With so much going on, this worrying adds unnecessarily to our mental load.
During bad spells, the merry-go-round can feel like a long journey down to the depths of hell. I call these Death Spiral thoughts. “If that happens, then this will happen” and pretty soon…I end up divorced, with all my friends/family dead or hating me, and in prison in a foreign country for a crime I didn’t commit. I think myself into a mental corner where my life is over and I am a failure but I’m actually just sitting at a Starbucks eating a Spinach-Feta Wrap.
If you find yourself on a thought merry-go-round, or, worse, in a Death Spiral, get off the playground.
How? 1) Notice what is happening (“I’m on the merry-go-round again”); 2) breathe and #TakeAMoment if you can; and 3) actively focus on something else. A song, a book, a quote. Whatever you focus on grows in your mind. Curate this wisely.
If you find you are on the same mental merry-go-rounds often (read: your anxieties/fears-hopes), decide to focus on this at a less stressful time. You may want to journal, talk to an understanding friend, or meet with a therapist. The merry-go-rounds can be our greatest gifts because they (gulp!) point out the places inside of us that are calling out for help. Don’t neglect them for too long — they will just get louder.
4. Engage all of your senses: tools for mental crisis management.
We have our five senses (what we see, hear, taste, touch and smell) and our mind (what we are thinking). However, we often get lost in our “mind sense,” our thoughts about a situation, instead of actually experiencing it live. What does it smell like when we step into our mother-in-law’s kitchen (despite what she is saying)? What is the temperature in the room as you sit at the table (despite the political conversation)?
If you find yourself in a difficult conversation or stressful situation, use your senses as a grounding force. Start by simply feeling your feet in your shoes, notice the ground supporting your weight, and then check in with the rest of your senses as opposed to thinking about how stressful it all is. Enjoy the crisp cold air on your skin, the aroma of spices while you cook, really taste the wine, notice the crunch of the food, feel the scarf on your neck, and listen to the sounds in the street. How does it feel in your body when you sink in and engage your senses? In this way, you connect to the live feed of reality “as it is” instead of what is spinning on in your mind. Actively engage your senses and allow them to bring you directly into the technicolor, surround-sound, sexy, present moment.
5. Look forward to the overwhelming hustle, bustle, and delays.
Unrealistic expectations can often be our greatest downfall. This is especially true over the holidays. When we expect something to go a certain way, and then it doesn’t, we get disappointed, frustrated, angry, or even feel helpless.We can’t control what will happen elsewhere, but we can work on how we think about the outside world and react to it. What if, in moments where things aren’t going our way, we could stay open and curious, as opposed reacting negatively?
A good example is travel. When we travel, we usually expect all of our flights to be on time, luggage to arrive, and plane food to be semi-edible. We are constantly trying to hack the outer world, because if we just get it right, then we’ll be happy. The truth is, our happiness does not depend on what happens outside of us but on us, ourselves. It depends on what is going on inside our minds. What if we gave up our attachment to everything being perfect for the holidays?
Of course, we should still try to plan a great vacation, meal or gathering with friends. But, once the train has left the station, it’s out of our control. Can I control if the plane will be delayed or not? Nope. Instead of worrying that the plane might be delayed, why not look forward to that happening? I tell myself, “Maybe I’ll have a surprisingly conversation with a stranger at the airport bar, or I’ll wind up connecting with my husband at the gate in an unexpected moment?” If the plane isn’t delayed, great! But if it is, instead of getting frustrated, why not remain open to what might happen next?
Stay open, stay curious. Look forward to the crowds and delays. Who knows what we will find if we remain open and don’t try to fight with the reality of things. What will we learn? Who will we meet? What will we experience? Anything is possible. Look forward to it all.
Happy holidays! You’ve got this!
By Bridget Bailey, writer, mediator, MBA.
This was originally published for the Anti-Nihilist Institute on Dec 24, 2016.
