Yesterday, director Paul Feig announced the cast for his reboot of the 1984 classic Ghostbusters. Instead of four men, the new movie will star four women: Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Leslie Jones, and Kate McKinnon.
Men, the only people who are currently legally allowed to enjoy Ghostbusters, were alarmed at this desecration of their ancestral artifacts. They worried that women would ruin a perfect film—and they were right. Gaze upon your new Ghostbusters, boys, and despair.
1.“Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a goddess, you manifest intelligence, beauty, and feminine power!”
2. Dr. Venkman? Try Dr. VenkWOMAN.
3. “Janine, someone with your qualifications should be paid the same amount as a man doing the same job, and should also be entitled to reasonable maternity leave.”
4. Venkwoman: I’m gonna go for broke. I am madly in love with you.
Dana: I don’t believe this. Will you please leave?
Venkwoman: Yes, of course I’ll respect your clearly stated boundaries.
5. Dana: [possessed by Zuul] Do you want this body?
Venkwoman: Is this a trick question?
Dana: No, consent is sexy.
6. “During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!” (Already feminist.)
7. Venkwoman: [to librarian] Are you currently menstruating?
Librarian: What has that got to do with anything?
Venkwoman: Just, I’m supposed to get mine too so we’ll be synced. Have you tried the Diva Cup?
8. Slimer has a little pink bow on top of its head.
9. “Hey. Does this pole still work?” [does body-positive, pro-sex-worker pole dance routine]
10. “This chick is going to read The TOAST!”
11. Egonette: I have a radical idea. We could have more than one person of color in this movie. Also, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate.
Egonette: We’ll cross the streams.
Venkwoman: ‘Scuse me? You said crossing the streams was bad!
Egonette: But isn’t it time for us to transcend the patriarchal, arbitrary, and archaic ideas of what it means for a woman to be “bad”?
12. “It’s true. This man has no dick. He has cast off phallocentricity, as should we all.”
13. Winnie: I thought Gozer was a man.
Egonette: It’s whatever it wants to be — gender is a societal construct. Also please ask Gozer for preferred pronouns before using “it.”
14. “Let’s show this prehistoric mansplainer how we do things downtown.”
15. “Let’s say this tampon represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning’s sample, it would be a tampon 35 feet long and weighing approximately 600 pounds.”
16. “I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Miss Piggy.”
17. Ray wakes in the middle of the night to find a beautiful lady ghost hovering over her. They discuss the objectification of women in film.
18. Dana: You know, you don’t act like a scientist.
Venkwoman: They’re usually pretty stiff.
Dana: Actually, I now realize that I simply hadn’t investigated my internalized prejudices about women in STEM professions.
19. “Human sacrifice, Ghostbusters movies that pass the Bechdel test… mass hysteria!”