Why it’s time to meet your shadow
Every Friday night, I go to a local movement meditation class called 5Rhythms. For 2 hours, we move to music, which starts with the quiet contemplative songs you might hear in a spa, and shifts to energetic music of the type found on the dance floors in big cities. The evening closes with quieter, contemplative tunes. I love the practice and appreciate the stillness at the beginning and at the end of the class.
There is one person capable of disrupting my little Friday evening haven. Let’s call her Beatrice. She comes into the quiet space making an extraordinary amount of noise. She talks even though there are signs inviting silence. During the class, she frequently moves to the side of the room to fish in her handbag for chocolate, socks, and a bottle of water or glasses. I’ve never seen one small woman creating so much noise. After the class, you can guarantee she will find something to complain about — too much talking from the teacher, not the right music, music not loud/too loud.
Beatrice is uniquely able to set my teeth on edge. I am full of judgment for her apparently inability to recognise the impact she has on this space. On my space. In my head, I spew a litany of mean criticisms at her. What on earth does she think she’s doing? How can she be so rude to impact my special time? Can’t she see the disruption she’s causing?
But the truth is that this isn’t entirely about Beatrice. It’s true that these are her behaviours but my very strong response to her says alot about me. She represents an aspect of myself that I’ve disowned — part of my shadow.
Using a vivid metaphor, Robert Bly helps us understand the shadow when he describes it as a long bag we drag behind us. He says we are born whole, and from a very young age, we start to hear messages about parts of ourselves not being acceptable. We are told off for being loud, playful, outspoken, lazy, messy, playful — and so the list goes on. To stay safe, we understandably cut these parts of ourselves off and in the metaphor, throw them into the bag. We develop internal sensors to stay safe. We learn that not all parts of us are acceptable.
Shadow is anything we have repressed or denied. If we are trying to keep from being ‘that’, then that part is in shadow. The bag can contain dark and light aspects of self. We are just as likely to disown golden qualities like our playfulness, sexuality or creativity, as we are to disown the darker shadows. I made up a story about what professional looked like when I entered the corporate world, and packed away my quirky, offbeat sense of humour and my childlike playfulness. Somewhere I had learnt that to be safe and accepted in business, one had to be serious.
As Bly states — “We spend our lives until we are twenty deciding what parts of ourselves to put in the bag…” the civilizing process; “and we spend the rest of our lives trying to get them out again,” the humanizing, integrating, holistic process.
I worked with a founder team at a tech startup. We were doing an exercise exploring toxic communication patterns, one of which is contempt. In an usual moment of unity, the team agreed that they were never contemptuous. Then the CEO laughed and said “but we do hate stupid people.” He then shared the story of how he had sent a lengthy and biting email to a direct report for sending out the wrong figures on an internal report. The CEO had hit reply and knowingly copied his response to several people in the organization.
His response to the error of a staff member seemed from my perspective to be disproportionate to the action. That response wasn’t about a ‘stupid’ staff member but about his ability to own his shadow of being seen as stupid.
The idea that I might be disruptive or insensitive to others horrifies me. I don’t phone people before 9:30 am or after 6:00pm. I am very aware of being in the way of others on the train or the tube. I often hold back in meetings to as to not interrupt the person speaking. The list goes on. I go out of my way, and expend a lot of energy to not be seen as ‘that’ person.
How do you get to know what is in your shadow? One of the ways of exploring this is to look at what triggers you. What do people say or do that has you mad as hell. Or what do you really revere or admire (spontaneous, courageous) in others? These are all signals of what might be in shadow. You notice the parts of yourself that you have difficultly owning them and paint them on other people.
Let’s be clear as to the cost of the unexamined shadow. Our shadows bleed out. We blame others for behaviours that trigger us. We cleverly frame their actions in biting caustic ways to hold them as at fault.
Without some self-awareness of how Beatrice triggers me, I could easily treat her with disrespect or even bully her. Had the CEO in the story taken a moment to reflect on the strength of his response, he may have chosen a different action — perhaps one with less devastating consequences. Realising what is our stuff versus what is someone else’s stuff makes a huge impact on the impact of your leadership.
As Parker Palmer notes:
“the world has suffered deeply in the hands of leaders who possess the skill and the power to manipulate external reality but lack the foggiest idea of the inner dynamics that drive their actions.”
We owe it to the people around us to examine our inner worlds and our shadow. When we fail to do this, we create deep pain and suffering for those who love us, and those who work with us.
So remember, if you spot it, you got it.
