The Need

It’s hard to put into words what it’s like to have the urge to constantly create, to have this talent. I am sure it’s a gift and I do appreciate having it. The difficulty comes with what it is I should be doing with it. If I had been a more focused child I think maybe I could have made a career out of what it is I do. My constant desire to create was more of a distraction then. The need for those in charge of my education to stifle that desire kind of alienated me from any type of interest in the education system. I missed class a lot, I spent a good chunk of my time at the public library reading, drawing and writing. In that space while alone and with no expectations I realized that this stuff just pours out of me. I have never longed for inspiration, this brilliant feeling inside of me just pours out as beautiful things. I do feel lucky, because I know it is not like that for everyone. There is, though, an overwhelming ability to feel things and sometimes it is a hard price to pay. I have never been the type of artist that creates for the sole act of creating. I create for the world to see it, I want that attention and crave to see people interact with my work. I need it. I need attention. That need seems to bleed into my actual emotions. I don’t feel like there is a separation. I say what I feel, I paint what I feel and I sing what I feel. Sometimes this is not necessarily beneficial when it comes to relationships whether they be romantic or not. The need is at times destructive. When I love, I love entirely and sometimes that can lead to painful circumstances. So the question is whether or not the need to create can exist with out this painful longing to be noticed, wanted, adored………..loved. I know that not all artists create with the same intention or influence. I do wonder sometimes if I would have this gift if it did not also come with that burden. The question itself terrifies me, because I am not sure I want to know the answer, so here I am again with the need, the desire, and the longing.