The Art of Resentment: How to Stop Holding a Grudge
Resentment, it’s a killer. And the only one it kills is you.
We were all gathered around the dinner table having lunch when the topic of my future came up. And my first thought was, “Here we go again.” Not surprisingly, my reaction was spot on. The graduate school conversation was on the horizon, and this ship had no way of missing that iceberg.
“So, when are you applying?”
Now that was a great question. I had a timeline in mind. One I intended to stick to just to shut everyone up already. But all I felt was pure rage. Rage so blinding I could not think properly.
I had been studying and getting all my ducks in a row to apply to the top schools (and hopefully get accepted), only for them not to appreciate the work I had put in. They assumed it was easy and even laughed when I said the process was draining me.
And all that resentment had built up in me. From the “Stop complaining” to the “It’s not even that hard,” I could not take it anymore. I felt so underappreciated for something I was doing for their benefit that I just snapped.
I reached the point where I had to walk away and calm the hell down. I could not tell you what I said because I don’t remember. But I remember the deep desire to show them exactly how I felt — an eye for an eye and all that.
Now that is resentment. That is the art of holding a grudge for three long years until you burst into flames.
Step 1: Recognize the Problem
My problem was hard to miss. I felt underappreciated and like I was wasting my life away on a dream that wasn’t mine. That was something I refused to admit to myself.
I adopted the dream as my own during my college years, but I knew I had to be honest with myself once I graduated. As the wise Princess Jasmine once said, I could not let my life be lived for me.
So, the first step to stopping resentment altogether is recognizing the problem. What is the other person doing that makes you enraged? Why are you having such a strong reaction to them?
When you recognize the problem, the rest of the pieces fall into place.
“When people hate with all that energy, it is something in themselves they are hating.”
— Evelyn Waugh
Step #2: Walk a Mile in Their Shoes
After the Outburst (it’s capitalized because it is a monumental event and deserves a national holiday), I went on a long walk. And when I say long, I mean like 3 miles.
The first mile was spent shadowboxing. The second mile was spent deep breathing. And the third mile was spent having revelations.
I placed myself in their shoes. If I were them, how would I react to the news of Lea not wanting to go to graduate school?
That question humbled me to my core.
My kneejerk reaction was, “I would be worried for her future.” And they had expressed that exact sentiment to me. But I was too angry to actually listen.
The best way to get over a grudge is to get into their shoes. Now, let’s go over some ground rules. There are some people out there that are genuinely evil. The malicious kind of people who deserve all the hatred coming their way. However, they are not excluded from this exercise.
Resentment hurts you and you alone.
You carry that hatred on your shoulders like Atlas carried the world. But you are not a Greek god. You are a human being with better things to do.
The more you hate, the more that hatred comes back to you. If you live in negativity, your life will not be worth living.
Just ask yourself if you would act the same if you were in their situation. Unless you are Mother Teresa, the answer is probably yes. You must be willing to recognize their humanity and your capacity to be like them. Once you can connect yourself to them and sympathize on some level, you are one step away from freedom.
“But cowering in your basement resenting everyone is the real pathway to darkness.”
— Jordan Peterson
Step #3: Move On
This can come in a multitude of ways. After my walk, I apologized for my reaction and gave them a big hug to thank them for having my best interest at heart. They only wanted to protect me and ensure I had a bright future. To have people who want that for me is a blessing, and I wanted to show my appreciation. Then, I moved on with my life.
Regarding the malicious person we spoke of before, forgiving and forgetting may not be the right way to go. But the kill them with kindness method has never failed me.
I believe that you get what you give. That does not mean that this person will become the Grinch and have his heart grow three sizes. But it does mean life will provide you with positivity and abundance when you embody that mentality.
Moving on can also look like “Out of sight, out of mind.” If you ignore the negativity, it cannot affect you. All you need to do is learn from what happened and grow.
There is no one way of moving on. But you must move forward.
Spiraling into hatred and resentment will not affect the person you desperately want revenge on. In fact, it will probably overjoy them to see that they live in your head rent-free.
Final Thoughts
Resentment is not some garden weed you can grab with two fingers and toss into the trash bin. It is a full-blown oak tree that requires some deep digging. So, find it within yourself to dig around and clear the forest.
Love yourself enough to live in the sunlight of positivity than in the forest of resentment.
