10 Things I Learned in Marriage
I complained for six years how disappointed I was with my wedding photos.
Earlier this year, a photographer heard me complaining about it. He asked if my husband and I would be willing to do a wedding re-shoot. A light bulb moment went off. Why didn’t I think of that years ago? Oh, I was too busy complaining, that’s why.
These photos were taken a few months ago on our sixth anniversary.
Thanks to Brian and Yujin over at Team Studios for doing the shoot.
I feel resilient just looking at these photos.
Thankfully, we can smile at each other with love for each other and deep appreciation for our journey so far.
A lot has happened since the first time we put on our wedding outfits. We’ve gone through loss, the births of our two children and a whole lot of living in between.
Here are some of the lessons I learned during my six years of marriage.
1. Solutions > Complaints
Complaining is draining and annoying. It makes you sound like a broken record making it easier for others to lose respect for you.
Frustration about my wedding photos made me look small. It took away opportunities for me to be creative and find solutions.
On the other hand, coming up with solutions allows you to gain admiration and respect.
A few months after giving birth to my second child, I finally decided to take going to the gym seriously.
I began my 2019 resolution to get fit in December 2018. I would go to the gym for 10-minute bursts. I went on the elliptical machine and exercised for six minutes, maybe do a few stretches. It was short. But it worked. I was able to work my way up to 15 minutes, then 30 minutes each session.
Exercising, praying, fasting and dieting helped me shed the 50 pounds I gained during pregnancy.
2. Examine your marriage at least once a year
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
-Socrates
Goal setting at the beginning of the year helps me and my husband see what’s working, areas we can improve, and new adventures we need to step into.
We take inventory of our marriage, finances, relationships with loved ones and friends.
If businesses release a quarterly report, the very least we can do for ourselves is to take account of our own lives.
3. Give each other grace and space to grow
I have to remind myself that I cannot change anyone but myself.
Letting go of wanting to change someone into who I think they should be is useless. It only causes undue stress.
I’d rather focus on making positive changes in my life that others can emulate.
I want to become a better version of myself. And I want the same for my spouse.
I don’t want us to go in circles being the same people we were when we met.
4. Invest in tools that help your marriage thrive
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
-Matthew 6:21 (NIV)
We are great at consuming. We buy new gadgets, clothes, food, entertainment. Why not use some of it to invest in our marriage?
What new areas of interest are you devoting time to learn?
What books are you reading?
What steps are you taking to improve your mind, your thoughts?
Are you investing in coaching, counseling, or therapy for your marriage?
Do you need to level up your date nights or vacations?
How are you giving back to others as a couple?
5. Control your voice
I had to learn to speak more objectively and not out of my emotions. To effectively communicate my likes and dislikes in a way that pushes our family forward.
Dealing with issues the day-of leads to progress and peace. Waiting to bring it up weeks or months later when it is completely irrelevant is dangerous.
“And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry…”
-Ephesians 4:26
6. Agreements are more powerful than compromises
Compromising is not my go-to negotiation tactic. Agreement is. It’s way more powerful.
It’s hard to do. But it gets better with practice.
Compromising is making concessions. Someone giving something up to meet in the middle. Often times, someone gets stiffed and hurt after giving up something they really wanted.
“Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?”
-Amos 3:7–11 (MSG)
Coming to an agreement with my husband when we make a decision brings harmony.
7. Mourn unapologetically
I have learned that whenever there’s a deep loss, acknowledging it openly with my husband helps.
I let my ugly cry out. I let the sorrow wash over me. I don’t hide it. He gives me time and space to go through this process. When we mourn together it helps with our healing.
My husband was able to snap me out of deep mourning after my mom died by asking who do you serve, fear or God? I choose live with the latter.
8. Admire each other
Take time to point out your spouse’s strengths. Work on gaining mastery. Pray for those strengths to be so evident their weaknesses will be on the back burner in your mind.
This eventually leads to admiration.
If you’re going to spend so much time with each other as husband and wife, you might as well help develop your spouse into someone you appreciate.
9. Team Spirit
With God, I can win in marriage.
I call my family Team Lumpkin.
When I say it, it invokes harmony, togetherness, and I feel like together, we can finish any race laid out before us.
The more we and others call us Team Lumpkin the more it cements the idea for them and for us that we are a unit.
How do you see your marriage and family?
10. Speak life
“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
-Proverbs 18:21 New International Version (NIV)
The words we say to each other matters.
How we speak about our spouse to others sets the tone for how others should treat them.
I also extend this by speaking life-giving words to my children as often as I can to let them know they are strong and courageous.
Go Deeper
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