21st century conversations

A reflection on the way we communicate, some work experiences​ and the lessons I’ve learned from them. ​

Have you unfriended someone on Facebook or Snapchat because you don’t like what they posted or who they were with on their snap?

Do you avoid someone at work because you just don’t want to talk to them?

In this world that we live in every conversation tends to evolve into an argument and everyone has an opinion, even the most trivial issues have somebody fighting for or against it, it’s not normal.

We are more polarized, more divided than ever because we are not listening to each other, and we are making all of our decisions based on what we already believe.

I think that part of this issue is due to technology and the lack of conversational competence, which probably is the one skill they failed to teach us at school, but is there any 21st century skill more important than being able to sustain a coherent and confident conversation with someone?

As people & culture manager in a creative agency I make my living talking to people (or writing about them) every day. I talk to people that I like, I talk to people I don’t like, I talk to people I disagree with deeply on a personal level, while trying to maintain a great conversation with them despite of this.

This last Friday I failed at this and I exploded reading messages in my phone from someone at work, I got mad and I reacted without thinking but mostly I stopped listening. After talking to some friends, including my bosses about how we could work this situation out, I noticed a few valuable lessons I was failing to practice. This is what I learned:

You have to be an interviewer to have great conversations, and to let people walk away engaged and inspired.

You have to make a real connection.

Here are 10 basic rules:

1. Don’t multitask, be present, don’t be half in the conversation and half out thinking about what you’re having for dinner later, or what you’re giving your girlfriend / boyfriend for their birthday.
2. Don’t state your opinion. If you want to punctuate everything you have to say, write a blog. NO ONE LIKES PUNDITS!
3. Set yourself aside and assume you have something to learn from the other person. Everybody is an expert at something.
4. Use open ended questions, like Who? What? Why? When? How? and pay attention to the answers.
5. Go with the flow, let your thoughts come in and go out.
6. If you don’t know something, admit that you don’t know.
7. Don’t relate your experiences with theirs, because it’s never the same. Every experience is individual and remember THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, don’t take that moment to prove how amazing you are at your job or how much you’ve suffered.
8. Conversations are not a promotional activity, if you want to prove a point or promote your ideas, WRITE A BLOG!
9. Keep your mouth shut and your mind open.
10. But most of all, listen, it is the most important skill you can develop, because if your mouth is open you’re not learning and most of us don’t listen wanting to understand, we listen wanting to reply.

I was thinking of writing a conclusion about all of what I’ve said here, but I think this pretty much sums it up.

The End.