4 Steps to Forgive In A Better Way
Forgiveness is critical for a healthier life
You know those moments when someone you love; A family member, A friend, or your spouse did something which hurt you?
You want to be able to forgive, put this behind and just move on, but sometimes you just can’t do it.
The pain, the pride, the shame, the ego, the sorrow, or even the disappointment are too strong.
You feel like you can’t let it go, you can’t beat it.
It can be very hard to forgive, but learning how to forgive is critical for your relationships with those you love.
If you will not forgive completely, you will remind stuck in the past and at some point or another, you will go back to the same negative feelings you had towards the person.
All your feelings are legitimate. It’s important to feel them fully, but don’t stay there forever.
Understand People
We all have done things that we wish we would never do.
The first thing most of us do, and the last thing we should do when we feel hurt is to scold or blame the person who hurt us.
As guilty as they may feel, if we will scold or blame them, they will naturally protect themselves.
We want them to apologize. We want them to acknowledge what they did was wrong.
But instead, they will protect themselves by providing excuses and maybe even turn the blame on you.
Another problem with blaming others is that it can often leave you powerless.
Think about all those times you confront the person and they say, “No, I didn’t,” or “So what if I did?”, then you’re left with all this anger and hurt and no resolution.
Nobody is perfect. Human beings make mistakes all the time, but we need to make sure we all learn from those mistakes.
You can call it a mistake for the first time, on the second time it is already a habit, but the third time it is nothing but a choice.
Step 1: Point Of View
Behind every action, there is a reason.
If someone you love did something which hurt you, try to understand why they did it.
It can be because they were hurt too, they don’t care enough about you or they never imagine what they have done will actually hurt you.
Acknowledge no one sees the world with your own eyes.
Try to see things from the other side’s eyes.
Step 2: Express Your Pain
Express the pain, whether it’s directly to the other person, or through just getting it out of your system.
Some people find it effective to vent to a friend, write to themselves, or write a letter you will never send to the other person.
It is important to get it all out of your system at once.
Doing so will also help you understand what exactly your hurt is about.
Step 3: Learn From Your Pain
While you may not have had the same amount of responsibility for the hurt you experienced, there may have been a part of the hurt that you are also partially responsible for.
What could you have done differently next time? Will you let your pain become your identity?
You always have a choice — to continue to feel bad about another person’s actions or to start feeling good.
You must take responsibility for your own happiness, and not put such power into the hands of another person.
Step 4: Let Go And Move On
When we find it difficult to forgive, often it is because we are not living in the present, it is because we assign more importance to the past.
Instead of living in the past, be present.
Sometimes we get stuck in our pain and our stubbornness, we can’t even imagine forgiveness.
But forgiveness isn’t mean, “I agree with what you did.” It means, “I don’t agree with what you did, but I forgive you anyway.”
If you care about this person and you want to keep him in your life, learn to deal with the picture that your mind is projecting you because holding a grudge will slowly kill your relationship with the person.
Don’t let someone let free in your mind, be that someone.
Every time it crosses your mind, let it go. Otherwise, it will bring up the negative feelings you had towards the person again. It will throw you back to the past.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that their behavior was ‘OK.’ What it does mean is that we’re ready to move on. To release the heavy weight. To shape our own life, on our terms, without any unnecessary burdens. Forgiveness is pure freedom — and forgiveness is a choice.
— Dr. Suzanne Gelb
