5 Things I Learned When I Placed My Son for Adoption
#3: Your greatest moment may also be your most painful.
Three years ago, I stood in a hallway, having just handed over my son to his mother. My hands trembling, hot tears brimmed over my eyelids. I didn’t want this.
Those same hot tears still fall as I remember…
“I can never get over this. I will never get past this. I will never forgive you.”
I spoke those words with fiery hot anger towards my mother. I believed them at the time. And for a long time they were true — I couldn’t forgive her.
He was conceived of assault, but that never made any difference in the love I had for my son. He was perfect. I fell in love the moment he was born, and I will never forget those first few seconds of his life.
My family couldn’t accept it. They couldn’t accept him. And that is what lead me to make the most difficult decision of my life.
In the years that have followed, I’ve learned many lessons through the experience of adoption. And although my story is only from the perspective of a birth mother, I hope there might be some small gems you can glean from my journey. Let me welcome you into my experience, and into my heart.
Things I Learned When I Placed My Son for Adoption
There are so many things to learn when you’ve placed a child… your child… into the hands of his (new) mother. There are so many things to learn when your deepest pain becomes someone else’s greatest joy.
#1 — You Can Do It
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bear to lose him. I couldn’t forgive my family. I couldn’t go on without him in my life. And yet, when push came to shove, I did all of those things. Putting one foot in front of the other, I watched him leave with another family. I signed the papers. In time, I forgave my family (the heart work that went into that warrants it’s own post). It didn’t come easy. The journey was accompanied by many breakdowns, 100’s of angry outbursts, and 1000's of setbacks. But in the end, I did it.
So whatever the hard thing is that you are facing, I am certain, you can do it. How do I know? Because I have stared agony in the face, and I have endured it, and I have come through stronger. I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t believe I could do it. But I did, and so can you.
I can’t pretend to know what you are up against, but let me be your cheerleader.
Do it through tears.
Go as slow as you must.
You can do it.
#2 — Family Can Come from the Places You’d Least Expect
In the beginning, all I could see was loss. My world was diminishing in the most painful way. Not only had I lost a child, I had also lost my family in the process. But through open adoption, my family has grown, rather than shrunk. What I expected to be a great loss has turned out to be a gain. When I chose a new family for Leo (name changed due to privacy), I never expected that he would bring a new family and extended family into my world. But in time, my heart and my love has only grown — and expanded to include more people to love.
When the journey began, I couldn’t imagine having a relationship with the people who were taking my place. I was jealous and full of anger. I was grieving. But they welcomed me, loved me, and treated me like family. They went out of their way to recognize me and hold space for me in their lives. I’m sure that wasn’t easy for them either. But for that, I am forever grateful.
#3 — Your Greatest Moment May Be Your Most Painful
These days, I can look back and be proud of the decisions I’ve made. I have witnessed my own strength. I gave my son the best family he could possibly have — a better one than I could provide. It’s one of my proudest moments as a mother. Not only that — I made another family whole! I’m grateful to have this as part of my legacy.
Choosing adoption was one of my greatest accomplishments. But it was also the most painful choice I’ve ever had to make.
Life doesn’t always wrap things up in a pretty bow. If you ever find yourself in the tension of great pain and great joy, I hope you will choose to embrace that tension for a little while, no matter how difficult it may be.
#4 — Love Changes Everything
I remember Googling, trying to find stories of other women who had gone through what I had. Adoption is still shrouded in so much mystery and shame. You can find endless stories of adopted children — but birth mothers are not so quick to share their perspectives.
Through my limited (Google) research, I can distinctly remember reading a statistic that said something about birth mothers going on to live fulfilled and joy-filled lives. At the time, I couldn’t imagine how that could be true. I thought it was ridiculous that anyone could go on to be happy after experiencing what I had experienced. There was also a part of me that felt justified in my pain. I wanted to live there, build a house inside of my suffering. Anything else felt… wrong. How could I feel joy? What would that say about me as a mother?
But the truth is, that statistic was right — at least in my case. As much as I may wonder how things might have been if I had chosen differently, I have no regrets. I look back with sadness, yes. But also with joy. I think that’s where love comes in. Love has the ability to write a beautiful story in the midst of a heartbreak. Love can help you see the good — because even though things didn’t go the way I wanted them to, they went in a way that was best for my son. My love for him (and now, his family) changes everything. How things can change in just a few years!
#5 — Be Willing to Accept a Different Ending
Never underestimate the power of a plot twist. Sometimes things go worse than we expect. Sometimes they go better than we anticipate.
I’m a person who often expects the worst. I have a tendency to favour the worst-case scenario. I’m glad I allowed myself a better ending to my story.
I have rebuilt my relationship with my blood-family. I have a new family, created by our mutual love for Leo. And best of all, I have a relationship with Leo too. So all was not lost.
I wanted to build a home in my grief. But a plot twist brought about a much better ending to our story. And I hope that whatever you might be living through, or may live through in the future, you’ll be willing to find the plot twist. And when it presents itself, I hope you’ll accept the alternate ending to your story too.
