6 Ways to Calm Your Mind in the Middle of the Night
Reclaiming your rest when you’re stressed
It’s happened again.
At first, all is well. You’ve drifted off into slumber, a welcome reprieve from the demands of the day.
Then, that sense of calm is broken. Maybe you’ve had a nightmare. Maybe you’ve contorted yourself into a compromising position. Maybe you’ve had a stress dream that rushes you back into your daytime responsibilities.
Chances are you’ve been here before. And chances are you’ve spent some time wondering how to fix whatever went wrong, or address what changed your ability to rest.
Some nights, it may be pretty simple to reset yourself. Other nights, you may be genuinely struggling to calm down and find your peace again.
When this happens to me, I want that moment — panic, uncertainty, discomfort, whatever it is — to be as brief as possible. I want to already have some tools at my disposal for assuring myself that I will be okay. Every instance is different. But the following suggestions have been the most helpful to me when my mind refuses to stay calm at night.
The One We’ve All Heard Before: Breathe
Cliches become cliches because of the hidden grain of truth inside each of them. This piece of well-meaning but annoyingly catch-all advice is no different. If we can’t breathe, then it’s pretty difficult to do anything else.
And nothing is as literally, uncomfortably breath-taking as late night anxiety. The wee hours of the night can be incredibly inviting to anxious thoughts, when there is little else to distract us from their suffocating presence.
Take the advice: Breathe.
Like many, I used to underestimate the importance of my breath. Why think about an automatic bodily response? Shouldn’t I save time by addressing the problem right away?
But, by fixating on the “how” of my problems first, I was adding another thing to the list of worries that was already making me feel helpless.
Now, I realize it’s better to start with something manageable.
Breathe. Remember: your body instinctively does this anyway, and has done your entire life. It’s got your back, so let it have your back. Recognize your breath, acknowledge that your body is there to take care of you, and allow yourself to gradually inch your way back into the driver’s seat. Once you’re more in control, the 4–7–8 technique can be especially calming:
Inhale… two… three… four.
Hold… two… three… four… five… six… seven.
Exhale… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight.
The biological benefit here is obvious. Breathing is natural, and it keeps us alive. A fresh supply of air, and the expulsion of carbon dioxide, rejuvenates our blood flow and energizes everything we do.
Equally important, though, is that measured breathing calms the mind. Performing this one simple task is proof that we are not helpless. One breath at a time, we will find our way back to being okay.
Know Your Sleep Position
There are countless studies and how-to guides floating around the Internet that swear by the benefits of maintaining a sleep routine.
In many cases, it is helpful if that routine goes beyond sticking to a regular bedtime and limiting your blue light exposure. How you physically sleep can also have an impact.
My sleep position looks like this:
I sleep on my side. Usually on my right. My body is curled into a semi-fetal position. Also, my arm likes to be sandwiched between pillows to cradle my head, and one leg sticks out from underneath the blanket so that my body temperature stays cool.
Know the specifics of what works for you, and stick to it. (Take physical needs into account as well.) Some people prefer to lay on their backs, mummy-style. Others absolutely need to lie on their stomachs and hug their pillow. Starfish sleepers sprawl out freely, arms up. (Good luck, bed partners.) Maybe you sleep like a log, or you curl up into a ball. Perhaps you stay relatively still, or need the space to fidget. You could need a hundred pillows, or none at all. The options are limitless. Do you.
And knowing your sleep don’ts is just as important. For example, I’m a little prone to sleep paralysis. Waking up completely frozen with some freaky demon leering at me is, weirdly, not my favorite. And when it happens, I was always sleeping on my back. Now that I’m aware of this, I know which position to avoid as well as which position will help restore my sense of well-being.
Get Out of Your Own Head
Dealing with a head bursting with anxious thoughts is stiflingly lonely. You may feel helpless, as if you are drowning, desperately clawing for the surface to get a momentary gasp of air. But anxiety is weighing you down so much that you can never reach the surface.
That’s when it’s time to lighten the load. Identify what is making you anxious.
Separate it from you, so that you can come up for air.
My favorite way is creating a physical list. Whether that’s a list of things that I need to do, a list of goals, a list of insecurities, a list of people who are on my mind — it doesn’t matter. I write it all down in my phone’s Notes app so that I can actually see it.
Then, I can come back to my list later with an uncluttered mind, clear eyes, and a plan of action. My worries are infinitely more manageable once I bring them out of the murky depths of my anxious mind and into the light.
Speaking of which…
Go Ahead, Turn On the Lights
Being scared of the dark is about as common a fear as any human can have. The darkness presents and represents the unknown in a way that is very palpable and immediate.
A 2011 study from the University of Virginia even suggests that the relationship between lighting and anxiety may have genetic roots, depending on whether the species is nocturnal or diurnal (day-oriented, like humans). We may be programmed to view darkness as uncomfortable, if not life-threatening.
Long ago, early humans eventually combated their fear of the dark by discovering and mastering fire. They were no longer at the mercy of the rising and setting Sun. Now, many people around the world are blessed with electricity. The relief of light is just a flip of the switch away.
Occasionally, even as an adult, I find myself so spooked by the uncertainty of the darkness that I have no choice but to turn on the light. It feels silly; in the comparative comfort of modern life, there is no hidden danger lurking in the bushes. Yet, it helps.
Life can be hard enough without having to worry if your next step is safe, or if that weird shape in the corner of your eye really was just your imagination. Yeah, you’ll feel silly. But we shouldn’t feel ashamed to seek comfort. So turn on the light for a second. It’s okay.
Have Communion — Spiritually, or Otherwise
We spend our days — and nights — trying to feel less alone. This is not surprising. Human beings are terribly social animals. (Even the introverted ones. We need people, too.)
However, there are times when we have no choice but to be alone. At least physically. For times such as these, we have developed infinite ways to keep ourselves company.
For me, spirituality helps. There are nights when I am convinced there is some malevolent presence hovering at my bedside. I often negate this with prayer. I ask God to protect me, watch over me, and supply me with peace. This won’t resonate with everyone, and that is perfectly fine. There are plenty of ways to not feel so alone in the dark.
When the chatter of your mind won’t stop, sometimes it’s best to just enjoy the company.
Draw upon the positive energies of the Universe. Speak to a trusted friend or relative, alive or not. Comfort your frightened inner child with a pep talk from the braver, stronger, parental version of you who also lives inside. Use laughter to make whatever is threatening you in that moment seem silly. Find someone or something to commune with, even if it’s yourself.
Do whatever works for you, as long as it helps you address your stress directly so that you can move forward. Communion requires vulnerability. As with any good conversation, you’ll come out the other side somehow different than you were before. Who knows? Maybe that difference will result in a good night’s sleep.
Give Up
Some nights, I just can’t get back to sleep, no matter what I do. I’ve tried repositioning. I’ve emptied my head of troubling thoughts. I’ve done my breathing exercises. Even if I’ve dealt with whatever is keeping me awake, I become stressed out for another reason:
I am awake now.
And painfully aware of it.
I’m stuck thinking about trying to calm down, instead of actually calming down. By focusing on getting back to sleep, I am distancing myself farther away from it. So I’m not just awake. Now I’m cranky, too.
So I do the only other thing I can do.
I give up.
I accept that sleep just isn’t in the cards at the moment, and shift my focus to something else. Rather than continue being upset with myself for missing out on rest, why not tidy up my room? Respond to a couple emails I’ve been putting off? Read a couple chapters, or watch an episode (or five) on Netflix? Write this post?
Do something else. Anything else.
At night, we prefer to get calm enough to sleep. But it may be helpful to consider that restlessness is part of our wiring. Evidence suggests that many humans have slept in shorter shifts throughout history, routinely completing tasks or looking out for prehistoric predators in between them.
So if you’ve tried everything and sleep still isn’t on the horizon, stop fighting and throw in the towel.
Calmness lies at the sweet spot between focus and relaxation. That’s where you always want to be. The middle of the night is no exception. If you’re calm, you will feel ready for anything. Whether that’s sleep or not.
