A Counterintuitive Way To Diffuse Conflict & Difficult Conversations
One the best pieces of advice my mentor gave me many years ago was, “When you are in conflict with someone, don’t push back.” As a young professional, I was shocked and more than a little frustrated. What did that mean? What if I can’t defend myself when someone says something wrong about me?
As crazy as it sounds, my mentor was 100% right. This counterintuitive way to diffuse conflict and difficult conversations has saved me from several challenges over the course of my career.
It starts with perceptions and expectations.
From time to time, you will experience challenges and difficult conversations. Whether it’s a personality issue, a shameless grab for corporate power or just a misunderstanding, conflict happens. Another person’s perception of us is derived from a complex combination of ingredients. Our demonstrated actions, what others say about us, and the mindset of the individual, are all key players.
I’ll never forget the day I finally figured out that an entire team disliked me and why. The irony is they had all decided not to like me before I started the job! Thanks to a well-meaning former manager talking up my experience prior to my start date, the group figured I was a know-it-all and pretentious. Because it’s what they expected to see, everything I did or said was seen from their negative perception.
Leave your ego at the door.
I was shocked to hear my mentor tell me “don’t push back” when I was a young professional because I had more pride than sense. If you want to develop sound relationships with others, leave your pride at the door. Your ego will just get you into trouble.
I realized that I needed to address this team’s negative perception of me right away. It took courage to meet with each member of the team to understand their concerns. No one looks forward to having challenging conversations, but it was necessary so we could work together.
I met with each person one on one. I told them how much I valued our relationship. I also conveyed that I wanted them to feel comfortable sharing their concerns with me. It took humility to listen to each person without expressing my opinion or my point of view. In the end, each member of the team felt heard and we walked away with a positive plan of action. This act of courage enabled us to collaborate with one another from that day forward.
Defensiveness builds roadblocks.
When we leap into conflict hotly defending our opinion, our point of view or what we perceive as the truth, it only adds fuel to the fire. Regardless of whether you are right or wrong, your attitude will determine the outcome of any contentious experience. It’s incredibly important to have a peaceful state of mind before entering into a potential conflict situation.
When I met with each team member: I did not become defensive even if the opinions expressed were grossly unfounded. I knew that their perceptions were determined before they even met me, but I didn’t point it out. It was unnecessary and would have put them on the defensive. I kept my center while focusing on the goal of arriving at a beneficial and positive conclusion.
Right and wrong become irrelevant in these situations. I wasn’t meeting with them to convince them of my character, only time can do that. It’s important to clear the slate and build a solid foundation for future trust. Rather than becoming obsessed with the past, I encourage you to look to the future when faced with a conflict.
You don’t have to accept false blame.
Even if you are being attacked with false implications, it does more harm than good to come to your own defense right away. If you are in the right, however, don’t feel like you have to apologize and accept blame either. In order to work towards a neutral zone, say instead: “I’m sorry that you feel this way” or “I’m sorry that this is the perception.” You aren’t accepting blame, but you are acknowledging the issue.
In a false accusation situation, choose your words wisely. Stay away from starting sentences with “you.” Hear the other person out first. Don’t apologize, but acknowledge that there is a problem. Ask questions for clarity, and be sure that you understand all the facts before you proceed with a resolution. If you need to clear the falsehood, do so concisely. You can say, “I would like to present information that may clear up this matter.”
However, if there is high emotion involved, respectfully suggest that you meet again at a later time (but not too long) once everyone has reflected upon the challenge at hand. It’s critical to remove as much emotion as possible for positive conflict resolution.
Resistance can lead to resentment.
When you work this remarkable conflict resolution plan, you will find that people cannot push you if you don’t push back. It catches them off-guard and removes their ability to reasonably continue the conflict. On the other hand, if you resist and don’t acknowledge their pain, it can lead to resentment.
Remember that you do not have to accept abuse. You are within your rights to report any abusive behavior to human resources or a similar resource. Conflict in any form is something we would like to avoid. However, avoiding challenging conversations allows room for assumptions and continuing negative behavior. Rarely do issues simply go away by themselves. Your credibility depends on your strength to work toward positive outcomes in conflict situations.
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I’m a certified Career Strategist and Executive Leadership Coach helping driven, successful professionals remove career roadblocks and achieve their potential. It’s time to Elevate Your Career!
