A Millennial’s Blueprint for Raising Great Kids
Set the example and fail.
The world’s oldest profession. No, not that profession. I’m not a historian, but through my powers of deduction, this profession must be even older — parenting.
For as long as humans have lived, literally, there have been parents. We must be experts by now, right? Luckily for you, I have accumulated the requisite knowledge, in my almost four years of parenthood, to reach expert status. Or…at least I know what it takes. I have the blueprint for raising great kids according to both science and the wisdom gleaned from many parents who have raised good children. The good news is that it’s simple to understand. The bad news is that it’s difficult to implement and must be implemented daily.
The top of every parent’s list of goals should be to raise good human beings. After all, if we want to leave a legacy in this world, what better way than leaving behind humans equipped to make good decisions long after we’re gone?
I know the definition of “good human being” can be different depending on who you ask, but there are some qualities that are inarguable. We want our children to have empathy and not be selfish. We want to foster independence so they can care for themselves someday but also maintain strong social connections. We want them to handle stress and conflict in healthy ways, but most importantly know that their reaction to whatever life throws at them is always more significant than what is thrown. So, how do we achieve this?
Children are sponges, even though they make more messes than they clean up. I promise you they hear everything. Okay, they didn’t listen when you said to pick up their toys seven times, but they did hear it. My point is that we must lead by example in all things because they are watching, listening, and learning.
How are we supposed to be a good example for our children? First and foremost, we must take care of ourselves. There is a lot to unpack from this seemingly simple idea — take care of ourselves — but it’s the crux of being able to do what’s best for our children.
What do we know about happiness? Some of the largest and most ambitious studies on the topic conclude that good relationships with others matters most. Dr. Robert Waldinger, in his TED Talk discussing the Harvard Study of Adult Development had this to say about happiness, “It’s the quality of your close relationships that matters…living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages, for example, without much affection, turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.”
If you’re married, honor your spouse. Witnessing mom and dad love each other (and themselves) is the greatest example we can give our children. I won’t delve further into how to maintain marital or relationship happiness but know that it affects your health and parenting to the point that it may be more beneficial to end a perpetually unhappy, high-conflict relationship. Need more evidence on how your (un)happiness affects your children? Keep reading.
Researchers in Finland have shown correlations between depression symptoms in mothers and emotional problems among young children such as hyperactivity, aggressiveness, and anxiety. Researchers have also found connections between the parents’ relationship and early outcomes with children. Adverse effects including restlessness, spitefulness, temper tantrums, unhappiness, and others have all been associated with prenatal and post-birth mood disturbances in the parents individually and as a couple. In a nutshell, your own mental health and the stability of your spousal relationship impacts your children.
According to research published in Clinical Psychological Science, parental burnout can negatively impact your children. This seems pretty obvious. An important detail uncovered by the researchers, though, is that many of the parents were good parents but the chronic stresses and pressure of parenting lead to burnout. Researchers specifically pointed out that trying to do the right thing too much, or trying to be perfect, ironically, lead to the exact opposite. One of the researchers, Moïra Mikolajczak, said, “Parents need to know that self-care is good for the child and that when they feel severely exhausted, they should seek help.”
Perhaps we don’t need to schedule every hour of every day for our children in order to maximize their experience and growth. Maybe they need a little more Facetime with mom and dad. Maybe they need a little more time playing on their own and learning how to be creative. Maybe our obsession with sharenting is putting way too much pressure on our kids and ourselves?
You can find many other research articles on the idea that the happiness and mental health of parents, both individually and as a couple, can have a measurable impact on the wellbeing of children. However, don’t confuse this with always putting yourself first. Being an example of selfishness is not a recipe for success, but neither is being selfless to the point of damaging yourself or your marriage. As with most things in life, there will be ebbs and flows.
We know that it’s imperative to be an example for your children. If we want them to learn how to be good people — we must be good people. There’s just one problem with that, let’s face it — we aren’t perfect and never will be. We try to maintain our composure and be mindful of the fact they are always learning from us, but raising children is damn hard. They can be the source of overwhelming pride and happiness in one moment and the next have you questioning why God is punishing you.
It’s okay to fail. In every failure there is an opportunity — an opportunity to show our children how to handle defeat and produce a meaningful response. To show them that life will inevitably have conflict, but that we can have resolve and overcome failure. Our children will only be under our close guidance for so long and if we keep them in a bubble, safe from failure and disturbance, that bubble will surely pop once they’re on their own. Have we shown them that failure is okay? Have we shown them how to learn from failure and try again?
Set the example of how to be a good person. Do the things that promote your own happiness so that you can continue to be a good example. Then allow them to see and know failure. Most importantly, show them that their response — to life’s ebbs and flows, successes and failures — is the only thing they will ever be able to control in this life.
