A Reflection of My Twenties On The Eve Of My 30th Birthday
I had no plan at twenty,other than to rule the world with little effort or work involved on my part. At twenty,things just seemed to work themselves out naturally for me. The best of things tended to fall into my lap. Little did I know my luck would soon all come to a screeching halt.
I used the phrase “I always win” often, much like the little kid in “Big Daddy” who always wins because he makes the rules up to the game as he goes. I was a little kid and an arrogantly dumb one at that. Society tells you you are an adult once you become eighteen but it’s simply not true.
In fact,i’m the oldest version of 29 you can possibly be and most days I still don’t feel like an adult. However, I feel like the elephant in the room that nobody talks about is nobody really does. Sure we all do adult like things and scream things at our kids that our parents screamed at us as kids in our best attempt to appear adult-ish but most days many of us have absolutely no fucking idea about what we’re doing or how we got here. For the love of God,who put us in charge of making sure these tiny people don’t die?
I’m grateful for the fact at damn near 30 I’m only responsible for feeding myself because some days just remembering or figuring out how I’ll do such is enough of a challenge for me in itself. Plus i’m really self centered and am far more fond of watching reruns of SportsCenter than I am that of Bubble Guppies and endless loops of Disney dvd’s.
At 20, all I wanted to do was to be legally let into a bar.
At 29,the very last place I need to be is the bar.
At 21,I usually went out around 9pm.
At 29, I often go to bed at 9pm.
At 22, I regularly didn’t go to bed until 5am and it usually involved alcohol.
At 29, I normally wake up at 5am,without rhyme or reason.
At 23 I was overconfident to the point of delusion, and without warrant might I add.
At 29 I’m learning to humbly question myself about everything i’ve believed to be true.
At 24, I couldn’t control my temper.
At 29, I’m grateful I can still control my bladder.
At 25,running was something that I wouldn’t have done unless it involved the prospect of me spending the night in jail if I didn’t.
At 29, I run a mile most mornings,usually before 8am. Rain or shine.
At 26, I drank to tolerate you.
At 29, I do my best not to drink so I can tolerate myself.
At 27, God didn’t exist to me and neither did hope.
At 29, Faith and hope are damn near all I have.
At 28 I was finally starting to see and accept things for what they were instead of for the way I wanted them to be.
I spent my 29th Birthday at the viewing of a friend.
I’ll spend the morning of my 30th birthday,mourning who I used to be and being grateful for who I am today and what I went through to get here.
I don’t need thirty to be the new twenty, I need it to be the exact opposite of twenty.
The better part of my twenties were filled with blackouts and Irish good-byes. I’m hoping my thirties are filled with clarity and bank statements.
For as long as I can essentially remember,as hard as this is to truly convey, I've felt a subtle but genuine and certain feeling of for lack of a better term being destined for something great. Or at least greater. When I was at my absolute worst mentally, physically spiritually and emotionally that feeling and faith is what got me out of bed in the morning or afternoon, depending on how my night went. When I am presently just having an average bad day, I remind myself of the great and almost miraculous things on their way. Life beyond my wildest dreams,as long as I keep showing up and keep moving forward. Focused on what I can do at thirty that I should have did at twenty so i’m not forty saying I should have did it in my thirties. Whatever “it” may be when the clock strikes midnight and an era i’d frankly rather forget comes to a close.
My only goals are to try and be a half decent person and help people when and where I can, do the things I want and love with the people I love and never let anything destroy the peace of mind it has taken me so long to find. In my twenties ego, anger, alcohol, addiction and assholes ruined so many good things in my life and created a constant rain cloud over me.
More specifically, MY EGO, MY ANGER,MY DRINKING,MY ACTIONS and my indisputable ability to be an asshole at a moment’s notice,ruined a lot of good things for me as well as relationships and friendships with people I loved and cared about. My own self centered tendencies cost me more than money could ever mend or buy me back. Time may heal wounds but it can’t unsay certain words or undo actions one deems unforgivable.
I’m a grown ass kid in a 30 year old’s body but i’m making the best of it. At twenty I was certain I was smart and at 30 I’m certain i’m not and the ironic thing about it is, i’m smarter for it.
At least today I listen and am somewhat teachable. I read instead of napping (usually). I drink protein shakes instead of vodka. 5 hour energy’s instead of shots and frappucinno’s instead of fireball when I watch football, as difficult as it is on some Sundays. At twenty nine, 11 months and twenty nine days, I don’t recognize myself some days. Here’s to hoping my decade of destruction will be followed up with a decade of production. Although I've always done better with destruction.