A view from outside the wall…

On the day the wall came down
They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high we raised a cry for freedom had arrived

-Pink Floyd, A Great Day for Freedom

I have always wanted to know what it was like to get outside the wall, outside the protective onion that I had built up since childhood around my soul to shield me from experiencing pain more than once. I thought that once I was outside the wall that life would be much easier since I would be past the anger and pain of the past and free to live life as I wanted to.

I was mistaken as to what it would be like outside the wall. The last real layers of the onion were shed in January when my mom and I put past us the nearly 45 years of fighting that has gone on between us. Shortly after this I wrote a letter to the 8 year old version of me telling him (me) that I forgave myself for the hell and pain of childhood. I wrote that letter with tears in my eyes. It came naturally after having a long conversation with a childhood friend whose own child has Asperger’s and who upon learning about it said to herself “this is so Michael.” I thought that life would be easier outside the wall, but I was wrong.

The wall, the Onion protected me. Yes, the scar tissue that had built up around my sensitive soul protected me. I have come to realize that in the short time since the last strand of the onion was shed that it protected me from feeling the full effects of my personality type. Yes, there are some immense blessings that come with being an aspie, but it does come at a price. Perhaps I was not ready until now to deal with the full weight of having Asperger’s Syndrome. Unlike many young people who grew up knowing they have it, I did not know I had it until recently. And so I grew up thinking that I was just highly eccentric and a bit problematic to work with and get along with. This is where the onion, the wall, came from. It arose from the frustration and anger that had built up over the years. It took a lot of work to shed that protective shell. I was not prepared for what I would experience on the other side. I did not fully accept that I have Asperger’s Syndrome until the wall was almost all of the way down and I could see clearly through the remaining pieces of it.

Life is not easier outside the wall. It is different. I can now clearly see the past without the filter of being angry all of the time. I now understand the struggles that I had as a child and youth and understand why I did things the way that I did. Since I have listened to others explain what they experienced when interacting with me or with others who have Asperger’s, I can get a glimpse of what it was like for others to be around me. I have begun to interact with more and more people in discussing Aspergers and what it is like to both have Aspergers and to have loved ones or friends who have Asperger’s. None of this was at all possible while I was still protected by the wall.

Now that I am outside the wall, it is my hope that I can help others to make the most of their lives as an aspie or with someone who is an aspie in their lives. I hope to inspire other aspie’s to realize that while the condition poses some serious challenges, it should not be viewed as a handcuff that will keep you from doing what you aspire to do in life. It is my hope that others see me working in the fields of art, photography, writing and public speaking and use my work as inspiration to do what they love. To quote my new friend M, if I can help just one person this will all be worth it!