Afraid To Be Alone
A chaotic world, lacking self love
This my friends, is not a how to. If anything, it’s a what and why.
An intriguing subject has been the topic at hand lately, within several of my self help groups, online conversations, as well as random chit chatting amongst my peers. As of lately, we have been touching on relationships in all of their many ways.
Mostly getting specifically into the story of relationships, as it pertains to people like us who are either loaded up with a history of drug addiction, and (or) vulnerable, and weakened mental health.
Even if some of you readers don’t have those histories personally, you likely can still understand the chaos and strain that relationships can take on in the kind of environments that are created by drug addiction. If someone is not an addict, yet they have a loved one who struggles with addiction, they clearly, are just as touched by addiction, as almost the addict is themselves. That’s my opinion, one created from experience.
I want to bring light to unhealthy, toxic relationships, and the inability to get out of them. Especially when fueled by the things that I’ve already mentioned. I have heard a lot of testimony, from others, and it is reflective of very similar experiences and feelings that I myself have known.
We ask that question of why. How can someone remain in such chaos? How can people stay in abusive relationships? Why do people choose to remain trapped?
Well, I learned a lot about all of that. However the catch was, the majority of it wasn’t learned until the mess, and the chaos was finally behind me, and I had since moved on. There was no way I could make sense of any of it, while I was still in it. That’s for sure.
There are a few different things that are the ingredients for this chase, we want so bad, to remain on. The chase is loaded with ingredients and desires. What constructs the chase and the reason behind it is we thrive on, and feel secure familiarity and what is perceived as comfort. Driven by low self esteem of self.
Everyday is dark journeys alone, while in crowds. Hiding the fact that if we are not able to love ourselves, and in turn can’t be by ourselves.
Maybe that’s why might always seek this chaos over and over again.
We make reach out, and continuously allow back abuse even after we escape it. It is again that theme of the fear of being alone. With abuse, comes attention; no matter if good or bad. Even if we cannot call a relationship abusive, exactly; that still leaves plenty of room to call one toxic. Codependency runs far, and wide.
We see this often in people, that seem to never remain in a relationship, yet at the same time, are very rarely, ever single. This isn’t to poke fun. It’s only to explain the reasons why, and expose the truth, that is so hidden, that we never can locate that help we need.
We’re never going to find that help with a new boyfriend, or a new girlfriend. No spouse in the world ever cured lacking self love. If anything, remaining on this path can cause us risks. Risks, like finding nothing but the same old chaos, with every same new mate.
To focus on drug addiction now. To see something truly volatile, is to see, two addict spouses relapsing at the same time. It’s that same concept yet again. That chaos, and that artificial need. A sworn idea, that one truly cannot live without the other. The focus word there is cannot. Because we can. We just choose not to, because we don’t want to.
To walk away, often brings strong discomfort, and an appeared heartache. Again, it isn’t the other person, that one will simply just die without; it’s again that painful fear, of being alone with oneself. While potentially still deep in the back of our subconscious, initially, we still know that no mate, no abuse, no drug buddy, means nobody but self.
Again, I’ll repeat, that this has not meant to reflect a how to, type of writing. Because I don’t have that answer. I can say walk away; but that could be the impossible, to someone suffering and sick.
If anyone out there is stuck chasing chaos. Know you’re not alone. And no, you’re not crazy.
Michael Patanella is a Trenton, New Jersey Author, Publisher, Columnist, Advocate, and Recovering Addict, covering topics of mental health, addiction, sobriety, mindfulness, self-help, faith, spirituality, Smart Recovery, social advocacy, and many other motivational topics. His articles, memoirs, and stories are geared towards being a voice for the voiceless. Helping others out there still struggling.