Are you listening to understand, or to respond?
As an outgoing and extroverted person, I love to talk.
I talk to connect, to share and to listen.
So whenever a friend opened up to share something, I could not wait longer than 30 secs to speak out my thoughts, my assumptions and anything that I can think of right away!
But then a few times, some of my friends would pause me like:
“ Listen! I have not finished yet” or
“ No, you are wrong, what I am trying to tell is…” or even
“ I just answered/ mentioned that a few secs ago, didn’t you hear that?”, etc.,
So after a couple of times, I started to come to this realization that
I AM A BAD LISTENER!
It took me 1,2 years to improve my listening skills, and it works. In those years, I try to improve little by little, because it was not easy at all to shape a new habit!
The funny thing is that when I see myself become better at listening, it is also when I am more conscious about how bad people are at listening.
So I wanna share a few tips to you, and the purpose of this article is just to give you an idea and awareness of how you should improve your listening skills because that’s the foundation of your COMMUNICATION’s skill.
1. Listen to understand, not to respond
So how? When can I know that I am trying to understand someone, not to responding?
To understand is to clarify your understanding of their points by asking deeper questions that relate to the point that they just said.
BUT remember that there is a distinction between asking deep Qs and unrelated Qs. Here I would like to call “ Vertical Qs” and “Horizontal Qs”. So what are they?
An example of asking Horizontal Qs:
A: ”Hi nice to meet you, my name is A, I am studying Sociology”
B:” Hi, nice to meet you too, my name is B, I am studying HR. So where are you living now?”
A:” I am living in…”
B:” Oh that’s great, are you working on any part-time job?”
An example of asking Vertical Qs
A: ”Hi nice to meet you, my name is A, I am studying Sociology”
B:” Hi, nice to meet you too, my name is B, I am studying HR. How do you like your major so far?”
A:” Oh I love it! Because I apply some of what I learned in team-working whenever I have group assignments or working in any organizations!”
B:” Oh that’s great, what did you apply exactly?”
So which one do you think would connect with someone on a deeper level instead of a surface one?
People connect with others because they feel like someone interest in getting to know them more!
And I am sure after taking the initiative to learn about someone first, they will be more willing to ask you back to learn more about you!
2. NO interruption
I know you cannot wait to speak out your thoughts when someone said something that relates to your experiences or spark any ideas in your mind, but…
Don’t interrupt!
While someone sharing something to you, let them finish their speech and train of thoughts first. Once they are done, you can ask questions or give your thoughts.
3. NO Solution
Don’t be a problem-solver!
Most of the time, people open up to share their feelings and to clear the chaos thoughts.
Unless people directly ask for your tips or advise, they don’t come to you to ask for solutions, they know what to do, all they need just to release the burden in their heart and their mind, so be compassionate!
Ask them questions and let them understand it by themselves instead of imposing your opinions, it may be objective!
4. Don’t Reverse
A:” OMG, I just traveled back from Mexico, it was amazing, I”
B:” Wow, really?! That’s nothing, I used to travel there and many other countries in Latin America as well! My experience is so great, here let me show you my photos.”
Or
A:” I just broke up with my boyfriends, I feel sad.”
B:” It’s okay, I broke up with my boyfriend before too. The reason why we broke up Is that it is a long distance relationship. We are studying in different countries, and he was busy with studying, I was busy with work as well!…”
Do you find the similarity?
You know that moment when someone shares something that you feel relatable to your past experience, and you are acting like listening (or not) but your inner mind is distracting with the intention of sharing back to your friend about your experience instead of continuing to listen?
Trust me if you are doing this, congratulation! People would not have the mood to continue their stories anymore!
Well, the best practice you can do here is to be AWARE of this distracted voice in your head.
5. Mirror
If you want people to open up and share more, mirror them!
Mimic their:
- Pose: standing or sitting?
- Gestures: moving hands or not?
- Tone of voice: high or low?
- The speed of speech: slow or fast?
- Face expression: smiling, concentrated, etc.
Similarities will attract attention and make people feel interested in talking to you more because that’s how humans are!
We all love people who are similar to us!
6. Eye-contact
Without this, it is obvious to your friend that you are not listening.
A lot of people find it is intimated, awkward and difficult to keep their eyes looking at someone’s eyes for so long because we all feel vulnerable and so connected that we are not ready to express ourselves to someone else!
PRACTICE!
You don’t need to rush yourself! Try 2 or 3 secs first, and then 5, 10,20, 30 secs, etc.
All of the above methods only work when you PRACTICE. It does not come naturally or right away after a one-time-try. So be patient!
And this is why we humans are born to have 2 ears, but only have 1 mouth.
