Citizen of the World Or Citizen of Nothing?
This is a personal reflection on living as an expat.
When I go back home (to Italy) and I meet new people, their first reaction when I tell them I live in Amsterdam is usually something like “Wooow, that must be so cool! I would love to live there as well! Amsterdam is an amazing city!’’ (This explosion of enthusiasm is often followed by careful inquiries about my daily weed intake and the quality of it, not realizing that you can also live in this city without smoking.)
I have been living in Amsterdam for almost 4 years now, and before that, I did my university exchange in Lisbon.
Initially, I went to Amsterdam for an internship during my master, at the end of 2016. It was supposed to be 11 months long but, during that time, so many things happened that, when they offered me a permanent contract, I decided to stay.
I remember I have had the desire to live abroad since the first year of my bachelor's but, somehow, I never found a ‘’good enough’’ opportunity to leave, or the moment was not ‘’quite right’’ or, let’s be honest, I never found the courage.
So, how did I take this decision, eventually? Well, I have to say that, at the beginning, I was not really driven by some highest purpose. The reality is that… I was heartbroken!
I took the decision to move to another country at 3 in the morning, unable to sleep, looking at the ceiling and torturing myself with regrets and conjectures about my last (badly ended) relationship. Then, I had my moment of realization: I could not stay in Milan any longer, I had to escape to a different place and leave all the familiar places behind, all the habits and routines that could trigger a bad emotional response.
Therefore, I opened my laptop, I logged into my university job portal and I applied to every possible internship opportunity abroad. I applied to positions in Brazil, South Africa, London, Prague, Norway, Amsterdam and many other countries and cities. A week or so after, I was called back by Philips (Amsterdam HQ). Four weeks later I was on a flight to the Dutch capital without even realizing it. I am usually a big planner but, sometimes, the best (and most important) decisions of our lives are taken impulsively. Sometimes the best thing we can do is just to follow our gut. At least it turned out really well for me.
In fact, after such a long time spent away from home, I can draw my conclusions about being an expat. Like in almost every other thing in life, there is not a definite good or bad. Living abroad has its own pros and cons, and for sure it is not for everyone. What I can say without a doubt is that it is an experience that is worth trying, everyone should, in my opinion, challenge themselves and get out of their comfort zone to find out whether it is their thing or not, whether it will make them happy or not. It’s like when we are kids and our mum put salad or broccoli or boiled zucchini in our plate. You must try them before saying that you do not like them (and throw them in the garbage bin with a disgusted and outraged face).
So now, without further ado, let me share with you the main peaks and dips of living like an expat…from a real multi-year expat experience.
Peaks:
1. Personal growth and new horizons.
Just the simple fact of getting out of your comfort zone — your little, safe, familiar environment — will make you grow as a person. In these years I changed a lot, I learned a lot, and discovered and developed traits of my personality that I did not know I possessed. I am much clearer about my core values, my goals, my vision for the future and I am much more willing to put in the hard work to achieve them.
I started to value and enjoy new things and activities that I was overlooking, I developed new hobbies and healthy habits that were out of my radar. I rediscovered old passions such as reading and writing. I learned to become less judgmental and accept diversity. I welcomed the fact that people think and act differently and there is not one single way to look at things. I learned to respect others’ opinions, not necessarily agreeing with it, but not being so arrogant to pretend mine is always the right one. I am more grateful for what I have and for all the little things that I used to take for granted and I am more at peace with my inner self. I learned to challenge myself and to get exposed to unfamiliar (sometimes uncomfortable) situations. I learned to say “yes’’ and try, rather than say ‘’no’’ beforehand and possibly regret not giving it a shot.
Overall, I feel I am a completely different (and I think better) person than I was when I left my country. I often ask myself if this transformation would have happened in case I would have stayed. The answer is always: ‘’Probably not’’.
2. New people and meaningful relationships.
I still have my first flight ticket from Milan to Amsterdam hung on the wall in my room: 3rd Dec 2016, arrival at 10 PM. (Looking back, I can’t understand how the hell I had the idea to book a flight at this time when I was moving to another country for the first time).
Amsterdam in winter can be a very gloomy place. Amsterdam in winter when you don’t know anyone else in the whole city can be an absolutely dreadful place. I still remember the feeling of extreme loneliness and sorrow. I remember the urgent need of meeting new people and making new friends as soon as possible. You can argue you are an introvert, but let’s face it: we, as human beings, are social animals. To be in a group is part of our nature and we are generally happier when we are in the company of others.
When you are an expat this becomes not only a need but basically a requirement. You do not know anyone, you need to create your own social circle from scratch.
Again: I was out of my comfort zone. And it paid off. I pushed myself to be more sociable, I learned how to approach and interact with new people, I said yes to activities I would have never considered and I practiced my (almost inexistent at that time) networking skills.
The good part is that you probably get exposed to more people in the first 3 months in a new city than in the last 2 years in your home town. I had the chance to know people from all over the world, everyone with a different story, a different cultural background, a different personality, different values, different languages, different looks.
I now have a broad circle of people I can call friends here, people I care about. I found out that (almost) every person is interesting in their own way, if only you give them the chance to open themselves and talk. Everyone has a story and pretty much all of them are worth a listen. I have been fortunate enough to meet meaningful people on my journey and to build strong and solid relationships with them. And I can say without a doubt that these relationships are one of the main factors that contribute to my happiness and well-being.
3. Independence.
Figuring out how to find a place where to live, getting a job, paying rent, paying the bills, arranging health insurance, signing contracts, understanding contracts (hopefully not in this order), buying groceries, doing the laundry, cooking your meals, keeping your place clean…simply surviving. Being an expat means experimenting with all these (mostly) unpleasant situations that are part of transitioning from being a teenager to adulthood, but in another country, with a different language and different laws and rules to deal with, and without the support of your family.
That’s why I consider living abroad as an accelerator for independence. I also realize this is much truer for southern European countries, where the bonds with family is stronger and it tends to last longer. It’s probably very nice to come back from work and find dinner already on the table, superbly cooked by mum, or have your clothes cleaned and ironed all the time, the fridge always full and rent…well, there is no rent to pay because you live at your parents' place (I know this sounds strange for some of you but it is very common in Italy.). However, that’s not real life, and it is better to understand that sooner than later.
4. Professional and financial opportunities + work-life balance.
When I meet other expats and we talk about why they left their countries, a good 80% of them come out with the same answer: job and money.
Sad as it is, we live in a very competitive and global economy. This means that opportunities are everywhere and, if you don’t take them, there will be someone else, from anywhere in the world, that will do it instead of you.
If you had the bad luck of being born in a country with a sloppy economy (like I did) you basically have three choices:
A.) Stay.
- If you are an employee: put your ambition aside and settle for a salary and working conditions that don’t reflect your skills, level of education and value. On top of that, you will most likely work long hours in a highly hierarchical/traditional environment. Exceptions apply of course but, listening to my friends’ experience, not that much.
- If you are an entrepreneur: Hats off, mate. It’s even harder. Doing business in a country where business opportunities are already limited, with a discouraging regulation and an almost inexistent entrepreneurial culture…I really admire you for your effort and motivation, the way is all uphill though.
B.) Go.
Sell your knowledge, skills, ideas, motivation and competencies in a job market that rewards you accordingly. It’s hard not to question your life choices when you hear that your friend working abroad, in your exact same position, gets 2 or 3 times your salary, getting out of the office every day at 5 PM. This alone is a pretty good reason to leave.
C.) Leave… but then come back.
There is also a third way, a sort of compromise. Going abroad, following the opportunities, getting tons of experience and, why not, saving some good money, with the goal of, one day, going back to your home country and put all of this to good use to make it a better place for you and the generations to come. Ambitious? For sure. Impossible? Maybe. Worth a try? Certainly.
Aaaaand now the Dips. This section will be shorter. However, it doesn’t mean that these drawbacks are not important, on the contrary, my friends and I are always mentioning them as the main reasons why we would like to get back.
Dips:
1. Weather and food.
Not much to say about these. Both of them suck! Regarding the food, you can certainly work around it by buying good ingredients and cooking your meals. Mmmh, easier said than done. Good ingredients are always very difficult to find: the average quality of the food is much much much much (should I add another “much’’) lower than in Italy, and it comes at double the prize. Kidding?!
Weather… can't do much about that. Take it or leave it, I decided to accept the trade-off. However, if you are highly meteoropathic, like I am, you will have a very hard time accepting the impressive average of 217 rainy days per year that Amsterdam has to offer.
2. Culture.
This is very subjective but, at least from my experience, I think that, no matter how you love and immerse yourself in a different culture and social environment, there will always be things that you will find hard to digest. That is simply because we are the product of our society and experiences, culture is the backbone of every community. Therefore, when you change communities, there will most likely be part of the culture of that community that doesn’t fit with your own. This is why, when I take a step back and I think about it, I always have to admit that, no matter how good I am doing in Amsterdam, I still feel like an expat.
This doesn’t mean you can’t integrate and, somehow, fit in, but let me tell you something, guys… I appreciate many aspects of Dutch culture and mentality, but I will never accept the fact that most of the restaurants close at 9.30 PM!!!
3. Missing out.
Here we go. This is the big elephant in the room. When you decide to live abroad you are implicitly accepting this big con. You will inevitably miss out on a lot of what is going on at home. You will miss out on family and friends’ events, important milestones in the lives of people you care about, graduations, birthday parties, and so on and so forth. You will miss out on the daily interactions, all those little moments that, with time, pile up and become anecdotes to share and laugh about.
Many of the relationships and friendships you used to value and you thought would have lasted forever, will loosen and become less intense. Some of them will end. No matter how much effort you put in keeping your bonds tight, life will eventually kick in, everyday struggles and duties get in the way and catching up with what’s going on in each other’s lives becomes harder and harder. That looks like a pretty sad scenario, isn’t it? But it’s not all that bad.
You can decide to wallow in self-pity or take it as a chance to be more selective and intentional about what relationships you want to prioritize, what people are really worth your effort and attention, who are the ones that you really want to be in your life in the years to come. In other words, you can learn to choose quality over quantity, which I think is a very good principle that can be applied in many different areas of your life.
In conclusion, as pretty much every other thing in life, also living abroad has its pros and cons. It’s different for everyone and it’s not for everyone. The reality is that living abroad is tough sometimes, being away from your ‘’real home’’ is not easy. Pretty much every time I go back to Italy for a short period, the night before my return flight I always have that bittersweet feeling, I always get that thought of “is there really where I want to live?”. Being back with the friends of a lifetime, spending time with my parents, being exposed to the familiar places of my childhood…every time is amazing, and every time it makes me question my choice of living abroad.
For some it can be the choice of their lives, unlocking a world of new possibilities and opportunities. For others, it can turn out in a dreadful experience. For me, I often realize I am stuck in-between, it is hard to clearly state what my ‘’real home’’ is. Yes, ‘’home is where your heart is’’, they say. However, ‘’localizing’’ your heart is not always easy, and almost every time I travel to Italy and then I come back, I experiment that inner confusion, I always ask myself that question: ‘’where do I really belong?’’. I am never able to give it a proper answer.
And that’s why, circling back to the beginning of this article, my reaction when someone says “Wooow, that must be so cool! I would love to live there as well! Amsterdam is an amazing city!’’ is always: “Well, my friend, it really depends…it’s a long, long story.’’
