Dad’s Empty Nest Dread
Just over a month ago I lost my mind in a fog of depression after moving my son into college. Adrift and grasping for help on the internet, one of the few resources that my male pride would allow me to use, I found precious few sources to soothe my tortured soul. My gender apparently does not suffer from empty nest syndrome often — Lucky me.
The buildup to this moment started a year before at the beginning of my son’s senior year. Outwardly I appeared nonchalant and would often make light-hearted jokes to deflect from the dread that was slowly growing in my heart.
But life thankfully doesn’t stop, and between school/personal activities and the life-changing pandemic, there was no shortage of distractions to help keep my mind off him leaving.
Little did I know that by suppressing those feelings for so long I was amplifying the effect they would have once my son finally left for college.
Strong Silent Types Suffer in Silence
When I was growing up the type of men that I admired were the strong and silent types who could endure and overcome issues on their own in a dignified manner. These men rarely asked for help, why should they when all the help they needed was their own. They were strong after all.
I began to wonder if this could be the reason why there is so little written on how empty nest syndrome affects men? Are there lots of men suffering alone in silence because of a belief that admitting they are suffering makes them weak? That doing so would violate a core principle of how they view themselves? Maybe. It could help explain the gap I was seeing.
I consider myself a strong and silent type. I don’t typically like to talk about my problems and I don’t feel compelled to fill the silence with jibber-jabber. But here I was an absolute wreck wallowing in an oppressive depressive funk of despair. What the hell was happening, this wasn’t how I should be felling. Was I less of a man? Or was I deeper than I thought?
As I was digging into this topic looking for answers a central theme started to become evident in many of the writings about empty nest syndrome is would run across. Many authors would pin the sense of loss that women feel on a perceived diminishment of their role as “caretakers”.
These authors felt that under this logic, men are less susceptible to empty nest syndrome because their primary role is that of the “provider” which doesn’t change when a child leaves the home.
While this may have been true for earlier generations of men whose jobs and physical demands inside and out of the home took up most of their time being a provider, I didn’t feel like that applied to me at all. I tried my hardest to maximize the time I had available every day to be with my kids.
If that meant getting up at 4:30 am to get into the office by 7 am and leave by 3 pm so I could make a sports game or school event my kids were in, it was a worthwhile sacrifice to be made. Work has always been important to me, but it isn’t the most important thing in my life.
Times however change, according to a 2019 New York Times¹ article, the number of hours men spend with their children has tripled since 1965. And while the amount of time that mothers spend with children is still almost double that of men, the fact remains that men today are more involved and intertwined in the lives of their children than ever before.
Every person cast into the role of mother or father is filled with a desire to do a better job than their parents before them.
Could it be that that jobs today are less demanding or less fulfilling than they were for past generations of men? That may certainly be the case, but I believe the answer is much simpler — Every person cast into the role of father or mother is filled with a desire to do a better job than their parents before them.
Exactly what it means to do a better job as a parent is different for every person, but almost always has roots in their own childhood and answering this simple question: What didn’t I have growing up?
The answer to this question for many could be spending more time with their parents, or having parents that were more interested in their activities and hobbies. It could certainly be one possible explanation for the increase in time that post-1965 parents spend with their children over those parents before 1965.
It could also be the reason why more men today find they suffer from empty nest syndrome when their children leave the home. They have a deeper connection to their children than men of the past may have had emotionally so they feel the sudden loss that much more.
In my case, I always wished that I had more shared interests with my dad when I was younger. He was an amazing father, but we just didn’t have a lot in common during my teenage through college years. If I am really being honest that was almost certainly my fault as I was a bit of an ass during those years in retrospect.
Later when I was out of college and firmly into the adult world I found that I actually did have some common interests with my dad that I was able to share and enjoy with him.
When I had my son I was adamant that I wouldn’t make the same mistake.
Our Shared Interests Deepened Our Bond
When my son was in kindergarten approaching first grade my wife suggested that we go check out a meeting for the local Cub Scout Pack. Growing up I always loved the outdoors so I agreed thinking it might be something my son would enjoy too.
The leaders of the pack were dynamic and engaging and my son was instantly interested so we decided to join. Before long I found myself volunteering to be an adult leader. This brought me directly into the experience with my son in a far greater way than it did for parents who would simply drop their son off for the weekly meeting.
This shared experience lasted through Cub Scouts and into junior high and high school when he moved onto Boy Scouts. It really was a powerful bonding element in our relationship.
It allowed us to have shared experiences that transcended that of parent and child from a very early age. Sharing an experience jointly gives both parties a deeper appreciation of the experience and the other person sharing it with them.
It was during junior high that my son found a passion for running cross country and track. This continued through high school and eventually college. For the majority of this time, my wife and I shared this passion happily as active encouragers and observers.
Later during his junior year in high school, I decided to get back into running as part of a personal fitness initiative. Here would be another opportunity to be an active (albeit much slower) participant in one of his passions (running). again had an opportunity to share in one of his passions as a participant.
But as much as we tried to not be overbearing parents, I am sure we were. As the months passed and the pandemic caused more and more of the typical high school senior year experiences to be canceled, I could tell he was ready to start the next chapter in his life.
Almost Time to Leave the Nest
About two months before he was scheduled to leave for college I started to feel depressed from time to time. Depression is one of those things that can be hard to quantify and can manifest in many forms.
According to HelpGuide.org² the top ten signs of depression are:
- Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
- Loss of interest in daily activities
- Appetite or weight changes
- Sleep changes
- Anger or irritability
- Loss of energy
- Self-loathing
- Reckless behavior
- Concentration problems
- Unexplained aches and pains
Leading up to my son’s departure I experienced many of these top ten signs of depression. None of them were constant, in fact, they seemed to ebb and flow depending on the day's activities.
Looking back I can see that this was likely a sign that these feelings would only be temporary. Years earlier I had the misfortune to experience what continual depression was like due to a side effect from a medication I was taking. It was brutal and unending in a way that forever changed how I viewed depression.
The worst however was yet to come.
The Hole in My Heart I Hide
It was pouring rain the morning we took our son to move into his dorm room. Perfect weather to match how my wife and I were feeling. Outwardly we had our brave faces on, inwardly we were part excited for him, part dreading when we would eventually leave.
This was it. After dreading this day for so long it was finally here. Move-in went smoothly despite the rain. His roommate, a fellow cross country teammate was great. The room was tiny but filled with the unknown potential of college life that my wife and I recalled all too well.
As we walked out to the car with my son to say goodbye before we left I felt unhinged. “Do you need some cash? Let me give you some cash. I’ve got three dollars, what do you have honey..” I stammered.
“I have a five but I think he is fine,” my wife said, “Yeah, I have almost eighty dollars dad” my son replied. “Oh.. ok no problem” I mumbled feeling like he was more grown-up by the second.
The hug I gave him probably lasted longer than he would have liked, but he thankfully didn’t try to pull away. Mis mother got an equally long hug and after a few final well wishes and I love you’s we were pulling out of the parking lot as he walked back into his dorm.
On that day I would have eaten my weight in McDonald’s ice cream if it would have lifted the oppressive blanked of depression I was feeling.
I made it as far as McDonald’s two blocks away. “I’m getting a hot fudge sundae, would you like one?” I asked my wife. “Sure” she replied.
I was/am on a fairly strict low-carb diet with a regimented fitness plan. Ice cream, even the fake ice cream that McDonald’s sells would never be on my allowed food list. But on that day I would have eaten my weight in McDonald’s ice cream if it would have lifted the oppressive blanket of depression I was feeling. I settled for one.
Life Goes On Under a Cloud of Sadness
I wish I could report that we made it home and suddenly everything was alright. But the truth is my wife and I were stunned to our core. But we had to push those feelings to the side and carry on, our daughter still had her needs, the house and pets still had to be taken care of, life had to continue.
And life did go on, but I was miserable. I felt like there was a hole where my heart should be. I knew I shouldn’t feel this way, kept telling myself that this was the natural progression of things, that this was his time to grow as an individual, to explore and learn and become even more independent than he already was.
But damn if I didn’t miss him. The house became notably cleaner during this period, if there was a task I could do to take my mind off things I did it. I think it was an effective tool in my recovery.
But busy work only goes so far and I hit a major bump in the road when it came to our shared passions.
Do Something You Love to Take Your Mind Off It
I found out almost immediately that engaging in activities that my son and I enjoyed was incredibly painful at first. I run daily as part of my fitness routine and got into running because of my son.
For the past six years attending running events has been something that brought us closer to our son. But once he was gone and I started to run I felt a tightness in my chest, not from anything medically related, but sorrow.
How could something I loved to do feel this bad? It was like the activity was infused with my son in it’s purest form. I tried to shake the feeling off but it persisted and those first few runs I completed due to sheer grit and determination.
I then decided to go out for a hike and try out a new pair of trekking poles I had been meaning to try. Once again the same feeling enveloped me like a wet blanket. My son is an Eagle Scout, we did scouting and camping adventures his entire childhood.
All those memories came flooding back and instead of making me feel better, they just seemed to emphasize that he was gone, and the reality was that we would slowly start seeing less and less of him each year.
Two weeks after we dropped him off for school I was invited to go run with one of the other cross country dads. He’s a great guy, a fantastic runner that makes me look like I am walking by comparison and probably ten years my junior.
I don’t normally run with other people, in fact up until that point I had never run with someone else. I was hesitant, to say the least, but I decided to give it a shot.
It turned out to be one of the best decisions I could have made. As we started to run and chat our how our sons were doing (his son was also running in college) we were able to share our feelings is a personal way that didn’t feel odd or uncomfortable for someone like me who doesn’t typically share his feelings.
My friend was also feeling the effects on his running, and like me was surprised at how those first few runs made him feel. We chatted about a lot of different things on that run and I finished feeling good for the first time since the drop-off. I think it helped that I hit a personal record (PR) on the run as well.
As the days went by things started to get better in the way that they do when you are forced to adapt. We promised our son we would not helicopter parent and intrude in his life. We still send the occasional text every few days but save most of our questions for a weekly scheduled Sunday Facetime call.
And it seems to be paying off, he is thriving and taking the initiative finding solutions. Before he left he bought a budget-friendly TV to take to college. A few days after he moved in he said they had to buy a cheap new remote. I would learn a month later during a dinner visit that he found out the remotes had unpaired and the TV had somehow reverted to “store” mode.
“I had to call customer support for the TV when the cheap remote I bought stopped working. They helped me put the TV back into “home” mode and get the remotes fixed.” He told us.
I told him I was really proud that he took the initiative to find the answer instead of just reaching out to me (I would have had no clue). He’s had other learning adventures with laundry and other college-related challenges just like we did when he was his age.
I don’t know what the future holds for how I will feel. I am sure there will be times that I get thrown back into the deep end of my feelings. Maybe there will be a holiday he can’t make or a family event he has to skip due to school. But I am confident that these times will only be momentary blips emotionally.
With every day that passes I seem to be getting better at handling my son’s newly found independence and my hanging role in his life. And that’s ok.
Every dad and mom go through this, we aren’t the first, and if you are reading this right now and experiencing the same feelings we did, trust me when I say that you won’t be the last. What I do know is that you can get through this, if I can do it, so can you. You got this.
