Depression & Alcohol Killed My Father: Here’s 2 Lessons I Learned
The irony? Death was the best teacher of life itself.
07/16/2012: Approximately 6:00pm
“Hey Dad, I’m coming to town tomorrow. I’ll swing by in the afternoon & we can catch up on how things are going”
“Alright Bud, sounds good. See you then, love you man”
“Love you too Dad.”
07/17/2012: Approximately 1:30pm
I can still feel the warm South Florida sun as I stepped out of my truck & walked into my father’s house to visit for the afternoon, unaware that I was already too late.
For over a decade my dad struggled as a high-functioning alcoholic, compounded by a severe bout with depression brought on by a mixture of divorce & being unexpectedly laid off after the 2008 market collapse.
Each time I came to town I would stop by to visit & see how he was doing, hopeful that it would finally be the day things started to improve.
This time was different though. His battle was over.
Cause of death? Acute & Chronic Alcoholism.
As the days & weeks continued, life became a fog & my mind began viciously flooding with questions every single day.
How could this happen? Why right now?
Is this my fault?
What if I would have decided to visit him in the morning instead?
The answers didn’t matter. He was gone.
As a child I can remember my father seeming like the epitome of success. He was the “family first” kind of man, building an extremely successful career as an insurance executive for what seemed like the sole purpose of giving my sister & I the type of childhood that kids only dreamed about.
The best part of it all? As busy as he was, he never missed a single school event, special occasion, or little league game, & he always made it a point to be home in time for dinner with us. Every night. No excuses.
Though I was only 23 when he passed, I learned more about life that day than I had in all of my time on earth. I developed a unique way of viewing the world, & I quickly became more self-aware than ever before.
Up until then I had always looked to my father for guidance on life, college, the secret to success, & anything else I was confused about. Regardless of his daily battles, I hadn’t ever met anyone quite as knowledgeable & helpful as him.
Fast forward 7 years to 2019 & though I miss my father incredibly, I’m confident that he strategically left many life lessons for me to discover in the aftermath of his death. Each one coming at the absolute perfect time, & some weren’t always so clear at first. Maybe that’s the point? To make me dig deep & come to my own realizations.
There have been 2 specific lessons that have stuck with me through the trials & tribulations of life. As simple as they may seem to some, I truly believe they can be life changing (& life saving) principles if applied correctly.
1) Life is Incredibly Short, Act Accordingly
“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. “— Marcus Aurelius
Since my father died, I have had an immense amount of time to reflect on what could have & should have been handled differently. If only everyone were to know how early his story would end, of course.
I guess that’s the part of life that sucks the most sometimes, a lot of the best lessons are learned after the fact. Hindsight is always 20/20.
I never intended this article to be a “self-help” resource where I tell you how to live your life.. I simply want to share my story, hopeful that it resonates with a few of you to step out of your routine & reflect on how things are really going.
Life sucks you in. Sometimes it seems to be going just fine until one day you snap out of the daily grind & realize that things actually aren’t going good at all. These small windows of opportunity are all you need to make significant changes.
Keep this in mind: There’s a very good chance that you are currently living the “good ole’ days” that you will one day be talking about. Make sure the stories will be worth telling.
Take that chance.
Step out of your comfort zone for just a moment.
Want to finally start that business? Do it.
Want to change careers & follow your dreams? Get started today.
Want to move across the country & start over? Go for it.
Stop waiting for the perfect time to make life what you want it to be.
Life gives us all the opportunity to be anyone we want to be & do anything we want to do. Yet so many of us get trapped deep into the daily grind of routine that we never actually notice the endless possibilities directly in front of us.
Cliché or not, it’s the truth.
My father missed an immense amount of opportunities to get back on his feet, simply because he was too stubborn to go out & find them. The thought of dying at age 54 never crossed his mind. Ever. He thought he would have plenty of time to figure it out, & became complacent to his situation instead of treating each day as a new start.
Here’s the takeaway: Life will never wait for you. Time passes whether you’re happy or not, so do what you need to do to make sure you’re living at your full potential & that you’ll eventually reflect proudly on your decisions.
Can’t find your path? Create one.
2) If You Need Help, Ask For It
“Never let your ego get in the way of asking for help when in desperate need. We have all been helped at a point in our lives.” — Edmond Mbiaka
My father had tremendous amounts of pride, sometimes too much. I mean why wouldn’t he? It takes extreme courage & grit to build the successful career that he had.
There’s a dark side to pride & ego though, that not many people speak about.
During his battle with depression & addiction, he had a notorious habit of pretending that life couldn’t be better. Even the neighbors had no idea what was truly going on next door when they heard he had died. My father made sure that the public perception was that he still had the glorious life of a top ranked executive.
He knew that life wasn’t good at all, but finding the courage to admit that would cripple him. Putting on a front was easier, safer.
I suppose he didn’t want to seem weak to those who had once seen him at his prime, & definitely didn’t want to worry my sister & I while we still looked to him for parental guidance.
We trusted him that he had everything under control & that it was only a matter of time before he got back on his feet.
Well, we were all wrong, including my father.
Part of the reason I wanted to write this article was to use my experience to help those who can’t help themselves. It could be you, it could be your father or other family member, maybe a friend, or even a co-worker. I’ve seen what depression alone can do to a person. It fogs their memory, & skews their judgement.
Depression is a poison that deals a slow death. Combine it with an ego that will do whatever it takes to remain intact, & you have yourself a ticking time bomb.
Asking for help takes bravery, but it’s often the hardest part of the whole process. Once someone knows you need help, like actually need help, I am certain they will do what it takes to help you, or find someone who will. It will be an immense weight lifted off your shoulders to know that you are no longer alone, & that things will eventually be okay again.
It’s selfish to fake it & assume that you can get through it alone, when there are people who depend on you & would drop everything to make sure you’re okay. Those are the same people who will suffer once they find out that you needed help this whole time, & nobody knew.
Do yourself a favor today. Reach out to someone you care about & just see how things are going, ask about life. Share your own difficulties too, become a resource for each other to bounce things off of.
Relationships are not one way streets, they take mutual effort, respect, & are sometimes hard work.
Want to know what’s harder? Living life alone. Keeping people out who need to be in. You will be a better person from it, I promise you that.
Conclusion
Life is a slippery slope, & it takes finesse to get through in one piece. While it might not seem like it at first, the more people you have on your team, the better your life will become.
Not everyone knows where they’re going, & some just go with the flow until they land somewhere. There’s a better, more effective way though.
Find a way to break through the noise & monotony of day to day life.
If you were to die tomorrow, would you be happy with what you accomplished today? Would you be satisfied with your relationships?
I’m confident that there is room for improvement, & now is your chance.
Find your purpose in life. Create those relationships. Fill that void.
Better yet, help someone else improve their life while you improve yours. This will compound the results, & might make someones life better than they ever imagined.
Try it, I dare you.
