Discovering My Style of Fatherhood
A combination of a negotiator, a playmate and a philosopher
For most people, their parenting styles were largely influenced by their parents. Some chose to emulate their parents, some swore to raise their children in opposite ways, and some developed a mix of both approaches.
For me, it wasn’t as straightforward. I grew up without a father figure in my life. My parents were divorced when I was three and I spent my growing years staying with my grandmother.
Mothers and fathers parent differently. When I had my first child at 24, I had no idea what kind of Dad I should be. Should I be a strict disciplinarian or an easygoing one? Should I adopt a helicopter or a permissive parenting style? What about values? I had no clue.
Truth be told, I’ve probably applied elements from countless parenting styles over the last four years. Parenting is a unique journey and I realized that I can never fully conform to a single style of parenting. It is a continuous learning process and over the years, I’ve grown to understand myself (as a Dad) more.
As I experiment with the various parenting styles, I’m starting to discover the North Star that guides my fatherhood journey. Here are three values that define the ideal Dad I want to be.
1. No physical violence
I’m a firm believer in violence begets violence. I’d never cane my kids no matter what they do. This is a stark contrast to the situation in most Asian families where caning is a norm to instill discipline. I thought that caning was a thing of the past that happened in my parents’ generation. As I interact with more parents, it seemed like caning is still prevalent and popular amongst millennial parents. There’s a Chinese saying 打是疼，骂是爱 which directly translates to “hitting is a form of doting, scolding is a form of love.”
In other words, tough love is the only way to go.
Some parents cane out of frustration when the kids don’t listen. When emotions get into play, caning can rapidly evolve from a way of discipline to a form of abuse. In the heat of things, caning may also hurt the child more than intended which results in an overdose of fear and pain.
If you have to cane, do it in agreed limits on safe areas.
Some parents are stuck in-between. They want obedience but can’t bear to inflict physical pain so they threaten their kids by caning inanimate objects. Many parents swear by this approach and just having the cane hanging in a prominent place helps to keep the kids in check. I remember my grandma doing that to me all the time when I was young. I quickly learned that she was making empty threats so it wasn’t a very effective method on me.
But when I was a kid, I was really afraid of my mum. So much so that the sheer sounds of her rings knocking against the railings as she climbed up the staircase to our house was enough to send shivers down my spine. She’s the escalation point whenever my grandma couldn’t handle me. Her way of caning was very unique because it was not just physically painful but mind-boggling too.
Whenever I did something wrong, she would ask me to rate the severity of my mistake 1–10. That would equate to the number of strokes I was getting. She would ask me for the color of the day, which would represent the cane that I should retrieve from the cabinet. Then she would get me to fetch the cane for her. I usually took a long time to do so in fear of the impending pain. She would then patiently wait in the living room, watching TV until I returned with the cane. There was no escape and it always ends with me taking the strokes willingly because I wanted to go back to my room and sleep.
It was a defining part of my childhood and I’d always remember how frightened I was throughout the entire experience. I hated that feeling of helplessness and I swore that I’ll never do that to my kids.
Having said that, no caning does not equate to no punishment. I believe punishment is essential and is sometimes required to drive across a point. However, I usually use punishment as a last resort, and only when set rules are flouted purposefully. Melting out the right punishment is tough, especially when motivations are always changing. The idea is to remove certain privileges so that the kids understand the consequences of their actions. Punishments must never remain a mystery and should be communicated upfront to the kids even before they make the mistakes.
Negotiation is my preferred way of getting things done. Negotiation allows me to set boundaries and communicate my expectations. It also helps kids learn about empathy, compromise, and ultimately boosts their confidence when they get what they want.
Negotiation also comes with its downsides. Sometimes I take too long to negotiate with Arielle and that snowballs into other issues like later bedtime, or being late for school.
Some friends tell me that Arielle is still young and my mindset about caning will change when she becomes older and more rebellious. I hope that day never comes.
2. Be present
Being physically and emotionally present is important to nurturing the parent-child bond. I spend a lot of time with Arielle. While I’m physically present, I may not be mentally or emotionally present all the time. One moment I could be thinking about work, the next moment about lunch plans. The list never ends. In this ever-connected world, our attention is also spread thin as we check every notification on our phones.
Arielle doesn’t have a phone. (Okay, she uses one of our old phones but unlike ours, her phone doesn’t follow her everywhere she goes.) Sometimes, I sense her frustration and quickly put away my phone before diving into a pool of guilt.
Being present also means actively involving her in conversations. Sometimes Petrine and I get carried away in our discussions, ignoring Arielle in the process. That’s when she would demand our attention by saying:
“Daddy, talk to me!”
That’s my cue to snap out of all other conversations and give her my full attention. Sometimes we fail to recognize that as adults, it’s easy for us to get occupied by many things, especially in the digital world. Whether it is replying to a friend on WhatsApp or checking out an Amazon shopping cart, we can stay constantly connected to someone or something.
For our kids, they only have us.
Sure, they can play or study independently. When they need that play-pretend support or to feed their curiosity on something they just discovered, I think it’s only right for us as parents to give them a few moments of our full attention.
Research has shown that we can’t effectively multitask. When we’re engaged in something else other than our kids, we’re giving up the opportunity to be present with them. For me, I try to be present at the times that I’ve promised to.
In the recent lockdown, there were times where I couldn’t give my full attention to Arielle, even though I promised to. That led to a build-up of frustration and eventually, she started breaking down. The saddest part was when I asked her why she was crying, she said she doesn’t know, she was just sad. That was a timely reminder for both Petrine and me to see things from Arielle’s point of view.
I also make it a point to slow down sometimes. Slowing down allows me to escape from the rigidity of jam-packed schedules to savor the moments I have with my kids. That’s usually only possible on weekends but at least we have a day or two where we don’t have to gobble down our dinner in 20 mins or go to bed at a specific time. The flexibility then gives us a chance to be fully present and these spontaneous moments are usually the most fun.
Some parents prefer to remain as an audience but I see myself as a playmate. Getting into Arielle’s make-believe world is exhausting (especially because I’m not a very creative person) but it allows me to be in the moment with her. We’d take turns crafting storylines and acting them out. Sometimes I’ll protest at her ridiculous stories and we’ll have a good laugh.
To me, this is the best way of being present with her.
3. Stay relevant
As millennials, we often cringe at what our parents do, especially in the realm of social media. Remember “Okay, Boomer”? This usually happens because we can’t relate to our parents and vice versa. I’m pretty sure that when Arielle grows up, she’ll have her own slang for the millennials too.
While it’s near impossible to keep up with everything our kids are experiencing, I make it a point to understand the key influencers in her life besides us. This means talking to her about her experience in school and knowing her (tiny) social circle. This also means learning how to sing her favorite songs, subscribing to her favorite youtube channels, and playing her favorite games with her. It’s hard work, but it’s all essential to staying relevant.
My mum dropped out of relevancy pretty early on in my life. While she was generally supportive of my decisions, she couldn't relate to most of them. Whether it was me choosing to go to a certain secondary school over the other or selecting a particular diploma course, she couldn't understand why and I didn’t bother explaining too. As I grew older, I started to realize why she wasn’t able to relate. To put it simply, she didn’t have the opportunity to expand her view of the world because she was focused on working hard to feed the family. I don’t blame her but instead, I feel thankful that I now have way more opportunities because of her.
It’s important for us as parents to continuously upgrade ourselves to stay relevant to the world around us. While the future belongs to our children, we’re actively contributing to the future through our actions and values. Now and then, I ask Arielle about the kind of future she wants to live in. You may think that a 4-year-old is still too young to understand this but you’ll be surprised. We’ve talked about how technology has changed over the years and how it will be in the future. Arielle gave me some suggestions about flying cars but I’m not sure how soon that’ll become a reality. Henry Ford predicted that 80 years ago but we seem to be nowhere near. Kids seem to have the wildest imaginations.
Most recently, we’ve also started talking about primary schools and how it would be different from pre-schools. It’s still another 3 years before she goes to primary school but it’s never too early to start talking about it. On one hand, it helps Arielle prepare for her future and on the other, it helps me stay relevant to the happenings in her life.
So what exactly is my style of fatherhood? I would say right now it’s a combination of being a negotiator, a playmate, and a philosopher. This is shaped by the values that I believe in to have no physical violence, be present, and stay relevant.
Will this change? Maybe. Time will tell but I doubt it will change drastically.
Is this the best way of parenting? I don’t know if it’s best for you, but it seems to work well for me.
Whichever style of parenting you adopt, do what you think is best for you and your kids.
About the author
Caleb is a millennial dad to two beautiful daughters and enjoys exploring issues around technology, health, and parenting. In his free time, he daydreams about what the future holds for humanity.
