Emotional Monday
Our autism journey

I’m staring at a pile of beans and I’m sitting on some crumbs. I swept last night, but I didn’t do a very good job. I really need to vacuum. That will happen, one day. The tears started last night and they won’t stop. The coping mechanism is to sit. Now it is to sit and stare at this pile of beans on the floor and wait for the creaks of the floor as Owen runs to me, after he wakes. Every night he gets into bed with me. Every night I’m too tired to make him go back to his bed. Every night I think, should I put him in my bed to start. At least the instructions “off my back” are working. I’m getting more sleep. Maybe I woke up more cranky than emotional, but I’m still crying. The fear of the unknown keeps me rooted, staring at beans or something else that I can’t seem to puzzle through. I don’t vacuum, because of his screams, the meltdowns are huge and last for hours. I think, I’ll stop at home “more quick” as Owen would say, and vacuum before I pick him up. There is always something that keeps me from doing not only that task, but so many tasks. I imagine the vacuum as the evil sorcerer in one of those cartoon movies. I let it win. Doesn’t the hero always come through in the end though. You can’t always keep your emotions in check if you don’t know where they are all coming from. Some days autism is about how I handle it, not how Owen does. And today is one of those days where there is not enough coffee or tissues in the world. If you see me today, hand me one or the other, I will be fine. Strength comes from knowing days like this will happen. I have been through them before and I will get through them today. Owen’s smile is right around the corner, I hear him. Know you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Today is a stepping stone for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

