Emotionally Numb
You would think it feels pretty good to numb your emotions. Just push it down, don’t feel them, and just forget about it. Just Numb. Numbing ourselves can take different forms. We can do it with drugs, alcohol, sex, lock it away in our minds, and just any other activity we can to avoid the pain of dealing with our emotions. While I feel this is an issue for both men and women. I do feel that men are generally told to numb and disregard our emotions more often than not. Which causes many issues for us in the long run in many aspects of our lives.
From as young boys we are told not to feel, “Man the Fuck Up”, and “Be a man”. While “Man the Fuck Up” I feel can unleash our amazing masculine traits in many ways, it can also hinder our way to deal with our emotions efficiently and effectively at the same time. Too often do we hide our feelings and hide our authentic selfs in certain areas. We are told to numb the pain, don’t feel, brush it off, and then go along our merry way without any growth or release. This has been my experience and my experience from the many close friends I have deep conversations with. I have found that some guys just don’t have a close guy friend that they can be fully honest and vulnerable to without dealing with shame, judgment, or total disregard of their feelings.
What is my experience with numbing my emotions? Numbing my emotions is like riding a bike for me. It’s easy, effortless, and a learned way of handling problems to protect me from the pain and suffering. It has been my trusty resourceful defense mechanism. I could do it knowingly or sometimes it would just happen subconsciously.
When I really dived into it, I wondered “Where did this start?” and “Why did it start”? I wish I could tell you that I have this exact detailed laid out roadmap for you with strings attached and that brilliant “AH HA” moment, but unfortunately, I have no clue where it started. Maybe it started when I was bullied when I was younger, or when I started to become a people pleaser and using kindness to get out of situations. When it comes down to it, it doesn’t really matter where it started. The breakthrough reality was admitting that I numbed myself and that I needed to change.
The most important question I came to realize is “Why do I numb”. I’ve thought long and hard about it. When it came down to it, It was just easy. It made conflict and pain easy to deal with. It’s so much easier to numb and let everyone else be happy. Telling and dealing with the truth is not. You think you are because you don’t feel it. You’re being nice and I’m taking the high road. Honestly, you’re just miserable even though you justify with logic you’re not. It leads to biting your tongue and not speaking what you feel. It can lead to you bottling everything up until you hit the breaking point at which point you have an emotional burst of anger/emotions all at once. Which to most people since you numb, comes completely out of left field. I’m guilty as charged on all these accounts in the past. While I thought to numb was the correct course of action, It just caused more painful emotions than actually experiencing what might happen. I learned that you can still be strong and still feel your emotions. It’s being in touch with your authentic self and being vulnerable. I’ve come to realize that is the only way to be and by doing that you are free.
How did I overcome numbing myself? Simply by owning up that I was to blame for it and pushing away any opportunity for growth for my faults and failures, and that I could feel these emotions and not be considered weak. You and I ultimately have the choice how we show up in life. By numbing the pain and not speaking my truth it caused so much pain long term that I didn’t realize how it hindered my life. I was not fully present in the moments when it was bad in life and when it was good I was present and myself. It led to so many things that I regret. Lost opportunities, lost relationships, lost time, lost memories and lost love. Once I stepped out of the abyss of numbness that I created, there was pain. An epic ton of pain built up over the years that I stuffed down, hid and locked away in the recesses of my mind. It sucked.
However, through all of this pain came a freedom that I would have never imagined. Only in short moments of true happiness that came from falling and being in love and moments of being present in the moment have I had a taste of this freedom. I fully felt my pain, I felt my losses, I felt my failures, and I felt for the first time truly whole. For the first time, I felt reconnected just being me. Not only do I feel stronger for it and not weak, I know that just being who I am fully and being true to myself is enough for me. Not for anyone else. That is what matters at the end of the day. I am enough, I am free, and I am no longer Numb. It’s not to say that I still don’t get that natural urge to numb, I just don’t give in. Those urges have lessened as time goes on as I choose not to numb.
The takeaway from all of this is don’t numb, feel. Feel those negative emotions, feel that pain, and then feel the relief. You have to feel those negative feelings and deal with them to experience those positive feelings in the end. It’s not living and giving into the negative. It’s dealing with them and choosing to act positively on the outcome of the situation. Do open up to your close and safe friends, therapist, or life/health and wellness coach. Don’t hide it and push it down. It’s not healthy and it disconnects us from who we are. It ruins our relationships with our friends, family, our significant others, and I feel most importantly it ruins the relationship with yourself. All and all be whole, be present, and most of all be free from being numb.
