FINDING MY FOCUS: DAY 1

SHAME ON ME

Shhhh….I’ve got a secret.

One I’ve been keeping fairly low key, mainly because of the shame often associated with information like this.

Gulp.

I am unemployed. There. I’ve said it.

After being miserable for a very long time, I decided to try and venture out on my own. To find that thing….that reason I was put on this earth. And I’m fairly certain at this point it wasn’t to market lawyers.

Now, this isn’t something I openly share because of, well…because of the S word. SHAME.

I was watching an interview with Glennon Doyle Melton, who was promoting her new book, Love Warrior. In this interview with Marie Forleo, she discusses how expectations and messages we receive from the world can fuel this shame.

ROLE PLAY

She says that as women, we define ourselves by the roles we play. We’re expected to do it all. Seamlessly and expertly play the role of mother, daughter, sister, wife, lover, friend. 9 to 6 hustler. But what happens when we no longer play one of those roles? What are we then?

Whenever you meet someone, probably the first question you get asked is, “what do you do?” And even though it’s the toughest job in the world, answering, “I take care of my kids and the house and our finances” is always greeted with a look of horror. Or pity.

I hate that. So much.

But not as much as I hated looking at myself in the mirror every day with the same disdain. And I finally decided that I had to care more about what I thought about me than what anyone else did.

So I set out to find what lights me up. Because when I’m lit up and happy, so is my family. And by extension, everyone I come into contact with.

FOCUS, WHERE ARE YOU?

Some excuses people make about not achieving their goals revolve around time. Well, I’ve got plenty of that now. So…that’s not it. Freedom is another doozy. Got that now, too. What I don’t have is money.

Now, I know what you focus on expands so I try hard not to focus on the lack. I try to focus on abundance. On all the rest of the stuff that I’ve gained that I’m eternally grateful for. More time with my family. The freedom and flexibility to work out. To pursue my dreams.

But I’m not gonna lie. It’s really difficult to feel abundant when those little menacing shut-off notices come in the mail.

The main challenge has been finding my focus. What to pursue. And how to go about it.

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

So the question is why haven’t I figured this shit out yet? The answer is fear. Fear has kept me from tapping in to the dedication it requires to set goals and attain them. Big, scary fear. Fear of falling flat on my face. Of making an ass of myself. Of being judged. Being hated.

But I know that everything I want is on the other side of fear. And I know that I’ve dicked around long enough. Because I’m more afraid of remaining trapped and stuck and boring than I am of the possibility of failing. Because I probably will fail. Epically.

But I may also shine more blindingly bright than my tiny little brain can even fathom. And I can inspire others to do the same. Because the world can certainly use more light bearers.

So I’ve taken on this challenge. Natalie’s 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 1. And I invite you to join me.

What’s keeping you stuck and what are you doing to change it so you can share your light with the world?