From Burden To Blessing

What a small stone taught me about gratitude.

Published in

Ascent Publication

7 min readJun 2, 2018

One year ago today, I embarked on a journey that changed my life in ways that I had only read about in books. Walking the Camino de Santiago (or the Way of St. James) had been a dream of mine since I was 17. After 15 years of collecting bucket list dust, I had finally made my way to the south of France to begin the over 570-mile pilgrimage across Spain, and would walk until I reached the ancient end of the Earth. There were so many stories lived and lessons learned, and I will likely be writing more about the experience. To honor the day I started, this is just one of those stories and lessons.

The day after I left my corporate job of over six years, I was in Dallas with family to celebrate my new freedom and my cousin’s 30th birthday with a weekend of festivities in true Texas fashion: overconsumption of all the meats and drinks. Things got festive.

As the celebrations were coming to an end, we were all standing on a busy sidewalk surrounded by noisy bars and shops, and stretching out our goodbyes for as long as we could. I knew this would be the last times I saw most of my family before I began my pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago. Before leaving, I made an unusual request to the family, because I remembered that I would be visiting an important place along the Way of St. James.

The Iron Cross

One of the most iconic and symbolic places on the Camino is the Cruz de Ferro or the Iron Cross. There is much historical debate on the origins of this site, since much of the Way of St. James was built on top of old pagan culture. Whether it was pre-Christian altar built to the Roman god Mercury, or a Celt place of worship, the cross is believed to have been placed there in the 11th century as guide point for pilgrims (or peregrinos) and is the highest point of the Camino.

Traditionally, pilgrims carry a stone with them from the start of their journey, and leave it at the foot of the cross. The stone symbolizes the burdens that the pilgrim carries and their past sins committed, and the act of leaving the stone allows the pilgrim to lay down their burdens and absolve themselves of all their sins. I’m not one to usually put much value in this type of express forgiveness, but I didn’t mind hedging my bets. Plus, I liked the symbolism behind it.

I asked my family to reach into their pockets and purses, and if there anything small they could give me, I would carry their burdens to the Iron Cross. I ended up with a collection with tiny items (a hair clip, a guitar pick, Rolaids, a small metal heart, a Loonie, and some other things) that were surprisingly reflective of the burdens in each of their lives, but those are not my stories to tell.

My stone was actually a river rock that I had found many years ago. I just liked how it felt in my hand. I didn’t even think much about it until I was clearing my desk at work on my last day. I have no idea why I had eventually brought it to work, but there it was. I had this stone with me through countless successes and failures at the office. It had been practically absorbing the work vibe I had been putting out all that time. It was the most fitting stone to bring.

Fast forward over 300 miles later…

I had already physically and mentally changed more than I thought I would. I felt tapped into a magic that only the Camino provides, and at this point had formed a family of fellow pilgrams that were tapped in with me. I have so many memories with these wonderful people that I can’t help but feel undeserving, but so thankful.

We were usually confident and joyous, but we knew that today would be different: we were about to begin our summit to Cruz de Ferro.

This was a day that we had decided to give each other a little bit of extra space to reflect. Our focus had shifted to the burdens we had been carrying, and for the first time in weeks, I truly began to feel the physical and emotional weight of it all: my life choices, my blisters, my mistakes, my failures, my pains, my insecurities, my losses, and everything that I had been carrying well before my trek began.

To add to the drama, the weather had turned treacherous. A combination of powerful winds and showers gave me the experience of an upward rain for the first time in my life. As I pushed forward, a fear that I was almost about to get blown off the side of the mountain consumed me. I was walking upstream.

But then something amazing happened: My focus shifted towards the weight of my pack. It felt as though the weight that I had been carrying this whole time had been keeping me on the mountain. I felt every item in my pack. I especially felt the added weight of my stone and family trinkets. They were anchoring me. I was so grateful for every ounce.

As if almost miraculously, a pocket of clear sky and stillness came over us as we arrived to the small cross on a wooden post surrounded by a massive mound of stones left by fellow pilgrims over centuries. It was as if the internal and external storms canceled each other out to give us for a moment of peace.

I sat by Cruz de Ferro and wept. I had felt the weight of the burdens I carried for myself and the family, and quickly realized that they were not burdens at all, but blessings. They helped keep me grounded and remembering the love I was carrying with me. It was my choice to carry them, and whether they were a burden or a blessing to begin with. Upon deciding that they were a blessing, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of love and relief. I felt the love of my family wash over me. It made feel me blessed to get to carry that with me.

As my fellow pilgrim and friend Chris Rankine (who also happens to be a vicar in London) so eloquently put it:

“There is a difference between the cross we choose to carry, and the one that is laid upon us.”

I’ve thought about this moment countless times over the past year. It has made me question how I had taken so many things I have in my life for granted. Even more so, it has made me question how my internal process got so crossed up.

Turns out that the problem was not with the things specifically, but with how I was framing myself in relation to them. Without realizing, I was treating much of my life as a burden or obligation instead of as a blessing or opportunity.

To help reframe a negative mindset, all it took is making one small tweak to my inner dialogue:

Change “got to” to “get to”.

For example:

“Got to” = Burden → “Get to” = Blessing

“Got to” = Obligation → “Get to” = Opportunity

I’ve got to hang out with family → I get to spend time with loved ones

I’ve got to go do my job → I get to go to work

I’ve got to go to class today → I get to learn something new today

I’ve got to keep carrying this burden → I get to have this blessing in my life

This simple mindset shift does more than just change how we can view what we have. It also adds excitement back into the process. It adds gratitude back into the equation.

Try this for a week and tell me what (and how) you think. If you catch yourself switching back during emotionally low times, that is totally fine. Awareness is half of the battle.

On a sidenote, I was happy and thankful to have the opportunity to leave my family’s burdens behind and to share in the unforgettable experience with my Camino family at Cruz De Ferro. I also decided to keep my stone. I figured, “Fuck it, it was my blessing to bear.”

Buen Camino, sweet peregrinos, and as they say on the Way, “Ultreia!”