Photo by Mario Azzi on Unsplash

Get To Know Your “Other”

Think back to a time in your life when you did something you weren’t totally happy with. It doesn’t have to be a big dramatic circumstance or event, rather, think of a day-to-day decision you make repeatedly that you aren’t happy with.

For me, it could be the smallest thing like hitting snooze twice (once is acceptable) in the morning. It could be reacting poorly to an email, or worse, a person. Or maybe, it was not raising my hand in class when I had something to contribute or needed a question answered.

Now stop.

Think about those moments in your life. Think about how instantaneously those choices are made. Did you think about them or were they automatic?

Let’s take the class room situation for example. If I felt like engaging in the discourse of the class with something I knew was relevant and was excited about, why would I not raise my hand?

This should be examined.

Far too often we leave our decisions in the hands of our own personal autopilot and take no executive roll in them. This is also an example of being reactive to what life gives you instead of taking an active roll in the process.

In the example above I would first observe what happened closer and more objectively.

Let’s rewind.

Scenario in real time:

*In class, we are discussing blue whales and the state of the oceans today (something I randomly know a lot about).

The professor makes an interesting comment that I know I can expand on, after all, I do know a good deal about this subject. I decide it’s better if I keep it to myself.

In less than a second a plethora of thoughts jaunt through my mind.

“No, maybe you shouldn’t”

“Why does it even matter what you have to say?”

“What if you’re actually wrong, you’ll look so dumb”

WARNING!!! RED ALERT!!!

These thoughts, albeit valid, are not your own.

Or,

I should say, it’s your other.

We are so quick to believe this thought, that we rarely question its efficacy.

“Negative self-talk” has been misinterpreted and misused. If we don’t have a clear understanding of a concept, let along our own thoughts, how can we manage them?

There is no, “how to” regarding the constant chatter in ones mind. The myriad of thoughts that enjoy back-and-forth conversation before coming to a conclusion.

“People fear what they don’t understand and hate what they can’t conquer” — Andrew Smith

But what if what we don’t know is ourselves? Where do you start?

Picture a bus

The bus represents you, and your mind. On the bus you see in the windows various versions of yourself. One is angry, one shameful, another is scared, and in the back you see one that is shy.

On some days one of “them” is going to take the drivers seat. What the image of the bus helps us understand is that we’re not alone, and we’re not crazy.

It is accepting that we have different versions of ourselves inside of us. Some will get off the bus throughout the day, and others will join in. What’s important to know is who is in charge. You.

These emotions and insecurities seemingly manifest a physical form. As Nepolian Hill would suggest, an “other self”.

You have to take executive order. To understand these sides of yourself, is to also accept them. Accepting that,

You have anger but you aren’t angry.

You have deep sorrow, but you aren’t depression.

You feel shame consistently, but you are not shame.

In and of itself you are not these things, but instead, experiencing them. In this view, you have awareness and autonomy. You can allow yourself to slow down and separate a thought that will disservice you, from one that will propel you.

The emotions and circumstances are valid (that’s the acceptance part), however, you do not have to fall victim to their poor choices.

Is it possible that we feel more comfortable nestled between the dichotomy of thinking and doing?

That if this phenomena is examined we fear our own potential, our greatness, and our value. And if it is fear, is it because our value, to us, is only meaningful if it means something to others as well?

The answer is yes.

Our connectedness is the timeless masterpiece of eternity. We are, in fact, intrinsically wired for connection. So then, of course we want our true selves to be validated. It is as natural as drinking water, or waking up, or appreciating the entanglement of color in a sunset.

Perhaps, since the beginning of time we’ve grappled with the other; the physical and the mental.

The other person, who scoffs at your heart, idiosyncrasies, and ideas.

And the mental other, inside of you, who more often than not is overtly brash and unforgiving.

At some point along the lineage of humankind we tossed out our unique authenticity and our ability to climb the proverbial value ladder to self-actualization, for a more grandiose, pseudo-self.

A hallow conduit we suit up in everyday to protect our genuine selves. The artificial armor facilitates safety, of course. But at what cost?

I encourage you to make sense of your other(s). Get to know when and how these thoughts, these others, are holding you back and steering you down the wrong path. Take hold of the drivers seat, look back at all the “yous” in the seats, accept that they are a part of you, but you will be making the decisions moving forward, not them.