Growing Your Network — Tips from One Terrified Introvert to Another
A few years ago I didn’t “network”…
It was the worst.
Painful, uncomfortable and to be avoided at all costs.
Recently, however, I noticed that without really realising it, I’ve somehow managed to create a pretty great group of connections across a couple of industries.
This hasn’t involved any over-the-top, face-my-fears training or self-help workshops. All it took was an initial push from a friend to meet someone and a bit of real-world practice. Now I’m quite comfortable introducing myself to someone I’ve never met before and politely asking them for a chunk of their time.
Clarification, I don’t really like calling what I do “networking”. I feel it has negative connotations and it sounds really transactional. I’ve never handed out business cards or performed anything resembling a sales pitch. What I do is connect with people on a meaningful level. Which turns out to be much more powerful.
I’m not providing any advice on networking events. So if that’s what you’re after, I’m sorry, but I’m no help.
Like a formula one car, introverts are built for specific purposes, and being the centre of attention in the middle of bee’s nest of social activity is not one of them!
A room full of strangers terrifies me. When I have made the mistake of going along, I am often found on my phone, toward the back somewhere, praying someone will just walk up to me and start chatting. THIS NEVER HAPPENS.
When I have made the mistake of going along, I am often found on my phone, toward the back somewhere, praying someone will just walk up to me and start chatting.
But, if that sounds like you too, maybe I can help. If you’re an introverted type, those events aren’t for you either, and I highly recommend investing the time and energy into something you’ll be much better at. And that is…drumroll…
The Coffee Chat.
That’s my comfort zone and where I get my best work done.
So how do I do it effectively? It’s pretty simple, I just follow 5 basic rules:
#1: Pick the right people
Don’t just meet anyone for the sake of it. It’s a waste of both their time and yours. I am very selective with who I catch up with and it’s typically based on two criteria.
Firstly, I only ever have a coffee chat with people whose company I think I will enjoy. This doesn’t mean I will be presenting them with a handmade friendship bracelet by the end of the date, but it does mean that we are likely to get along.
That way I assure myself that if nothing else, the half-hour or so we spend with each other will at least be a bit of fun. That takes so much pressure off. That way there’s no real risk of time-wasting.
The second thing I look for is someone who I find interesting. Whether that’s due to where they work, what they do, what they’re into outside of work, or just a gut feeling. If I find someone interesting, I find it easy to keep the conversation going with countless questions and avoid any tumbleweed moments.
#2: Be exceedingly polite
Shy by our nature, introverts can sometimes be misread to be a bit short and rude. So this is the golden rule when asking someone to give up their precious time. I write almost the same text, LinkedIn, email, or whatever to everyone and it has a few key points.
I always make it really, really easy for them to say no. I say things such as:
- “I appreciate you’re probably super busy right now….”
- “If you don’t have time no worries at all…”
- “If a chat on the phone is easiest just let me know…”
I say please and thank you and thank you again. As Grandma says, “remember your manners.” I am genuinely very grateful to anyone who gives up their time to chat with me, so I make sure they know that.
Mention your interests but focus on them — “I saw your talk on XX and YY the other night”, “I’m fascinated to pick the brain of someone whose been in the ZZ industry for so many years” etc etc. Don’t be afraid of coming off as insincere. If you’ve taken the time to contact them and ask them for coffee, they know you are genuinely interested.
#3: Ask a lot of questions
When you meet, focus the conversation on them and start gently. How was their weekend, what they’ve been up to today, what are they working on at the moment, etc.
After a bit of general chit chat, start asking them about their story. Some people would say “play to their ego”, which sounds a bit conniving and disingenuous but if you’re generally interested in what they have to say then it’s not at all.
It’s amazing how easily conversation can flow when you’re absorbed in what they're saying. Your potential connection will also start to feel comfortable, open up a bit, and happy to lend a bit of advice or a helping hand where they can.
A comfortable conversation can go anywhere. Before you know it, your half-hour coffee chat will be an hour deep and you’re only just getting started.
#4: Make a meaningful connection
This comes with finding common ground or a shared interest. Nine times out of ten you’ll get there because;
- You’re chatting to someone you find interesting; and
- You’re asking them a heap of questions.
A meaningful connection is worth a thousand “networking transactions”.
This is something us thoughtful, considered introverts excel at.
I think the ultimate professional connection comes through actually having been in the trenches at work with someone. Shipping a product, meeting a deadline, building something together, etc. For obvious reasons, these are hard to manufacture.
So the next best thing is to create mutual trust and respect through interesting conversation and knowledge sharing. Taking care with each other’s stories and opinions.
A relationship forged this way means something. They’re the ones that can lead to job opportunities, freelance work, or whatever you’re on the hunt for.
#5: Maintain that connection
Don’t, whatever you do, lose contact once you’re connection has helped you get to where you wanted to go.
Stay in touch. If you genuinely like and care about someone it’s painless to make the effort, spend the time, and keep catching up with them. Maybe one day they’ll need a hand and if you’re tuned in you’ll get the opportunity to repay a favour. That’s when your relationship goes to the next level. That’s how you create a powerful network for yourself. That’s real “networking”.
Oh and finally. Pay for the coffees (or beers or whatever). It seems obvious now, but make sure it happens. They’ve given up their time for you, whilst you may think you’re totally delightful, they may not, so a free coffee is always appreciated.
Following these simple steps has allowed me to not only create a bit of a support network across a couple of industries, but it’s also helped me make a few new friends. Common interests, trust, and respect create comfort, and that’s a social environment in which even us introverts can thrive.
