Have You Ever Felt Like You Were Running Through Life and Getting Nowhere?
I started selling cars in July of 2017 after graduating high school . I needed to make money and college was not my cup of tea.My mom wanted me to be the first to attend school in my family. My father was at risk of being sent back to Mexico with a lawyer pounding our door asking for thousands of dollars we didn’t have. I was desperate to do something to help and making ends meet at home was a consistent worry. I was working 12–16 hours every day which made the days seem endless. No time to hangout with friends. Never saw my family much. I stopped working out.
And the worst part is…
I made absolutely not money whatsoever. My family not only hated that I was an 18 year old who was drowning in debt but that I took a commission-only job without a salary to get a grip on my finances.
Here is why you would have taken my family’s side and not mine…
They were stuck on the idea that if I went to college it would be the only way I could earn a name for myself and be successful. That was repeated to me more times than I can remember. I became so discouraged when I had to look my mother and father in they eyes and tell them that I believed in myself even when my pockets were empty every month. Asking them for money didn’t help. I could barely afford gas in my little, blue 2–door Honda. I remember selling my favorite jackets and jeans to make a few dollars to be able to make it to work the next day.
Want to know what being broke did to me?
It made me lose motivation.
It made me insecure.
It gave me a reason to chase women.
My goals were strangers to me. I lost focus. I began to sell cars at the beginning of the year and I quit because I couldn’t figure out who I was and I didn’t want to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I chased women like a hungry lion after a gazelle. I didn’t stop. I hurt people hearts because I felt I didn’t have one. I was the most selfish person you would have met. I thought only of myself and provided only for me. I pretended to care about people only to get what I wanted because I was so lost with myself. When I tell you I had no ambition, I truly mean it. My siblings lost all respect for me. That killed my guts. I loved them.
And that’s not all…
I lost my job in June. My car was repossessed 2 months later. My family told me I had no direction and they didn’t know how to help. Neither did I. I was too scared to ask for help so I told my friends I was doing great when I was desperate. I didn’t want them to find out I was human and made mistakes. I can’t say that I was homeless but I became less successful at home because of how unworthy I made myself to be.
Can I be transparent with you?
I felt I was facing the world alone. I felt alone. I remember calling 27 people in one hour and not a single line picked up. That devastated me. I walked down the Mississippi River that lives in my hometown. I remember sitting on a bench by the water and watching the sun go down and pretending the sun was my spirit… going dark. I didn’t feel deserving of having that moment to myself anyway because I had over 10k in debt, I just got out of a toxic relationship and I had 5 missed calls from my parents who yelled at me and caused me to run away from home that evening. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Everything that you can call life was taken away from me…
And to this day I struggle to find out what I was missing…
Was it happiness?
Was it what I was pursuing?
Here’s why I confused myself…
When I was chasing shiny objects, they may have exuded light but inside they were dark. So I was left empty. You may have been empty before too. You know it sucks. You know it’s not your choice. But hindsight is 20/20 and you discover everything was your fault because of your choices.
I don’t know what I don’t know. But I know that we create choices based on our experiences in life. We know that if we make them daily them have a ripple effect on our lives.
Today?
I want to encourage you to stay conscious of your choices. Don’t live out the default but create a design for your life. You can change your destination by changing your direction. But you cannot change your destination in one day like you can your direction.
Don’t do what I did. Don’t lie to yourself, and most importantly, don’t take the people in your that love you for granted.
Remember that everything you have right now you have wished for before. Even the bad things that happen you…
How so?
If you hadn’t want to grow as a person, life wouldn’t be giving you channels to grow through and become stronger.
A new version of yourself is awaiting. Be patient.
You got this.
Warm wishes,
Christian
