Healthy Relationships Are My Favorite Relationships
Some thoughts on setting healthy boundaries, even in old relationships
At the end of August, I took some time out to help a friend with a project she was working on. I love my friends and I want to see them succeed, so I was thrilled to do it. We had a great time collaborating and I felt so honored she came to me to help her polish what she was working on. The experience was so rewarding, I gushed about it to her several times.
About a week later, she surprised me with a gorgeous bouquet of pale pink roses! It was an unexpected thank you gift for making time for her when she needed me. She’d even coordinated the delivery with my husband without my knowledge so it could be a nice surprise for me. Even as I’m typing this, I have a huge smile on my face about it. It was an unexpected moment that made me feel so loved and appreciated by my friend.
The very next day, I took a few hours to have a call with a high school friend from the town where my family lives. At some point, the conversation veered into an area that made me really uncomfortable. I let her talk for a while but it was too much for me at that moment. I waited until a natural break and then politely mentioned that I didn’t feel comfortable staying on that heavy subject.
Instead of respecting that she exploded with anger, telling me that I’m a jerk for not letting her talk about whatever she wants. She really laid into me about it before going into a rant about how angry she is I don’t build more of my schedule around her.
The reality is, I’ve been making a lot of time for this person since I was a teenager. I’ve always put her needs high on my list, even after moving abroad half a decade ago, balancing a busy schedule and tending to my own major life events. We used to be close but over the last several years the relationship has become very one-sided in her favor and I have to admit, it’s been a really painful spot for me for a while. I miss the friend I used to have in her.
I tried to calmly reason with her and at some point, she snapped at me, “it’s not fair that I only get to see you one or two times when you’re coming to visit your family for one or two whole weeks!” I realize I probably should have ended that conversation there. In fact, this isn’t the first time she’s made such selfish demands of me so at that moment it hit me that I probably should have ended the conversations with her a long time ago.
Reading about both of those experiences, can you guess which person makes me feel more comfortable? I’m sure you can tell which one I want to text with good news, meet for coffee, and hope to have around in the future.
Respect and boundaries are vital to healthy relationships. Unfortunately, those things aren’t always present, especially in relationships you’ve had for a long time. So what do you do?
Setting Boundaries
I meet a lot of people who take a lot of cruelty from those in their lives simply because they’re relationships they’ve had for several years. You see this a lot in relationships that were formed with uneven power dynamics such as with an older relative, an employer, or someone else who was once seen as an authority figure.
As we mature and build our own lives, it’s important to assess what our boundaries look like and which of our relationships we’d like to maintain and keep with us. This is a lifelong evaluation, as boundaries can change over time and will naturally look different in each relationship.
By definition, a boundary is anything that marks a limit. Psychological limits define personal dignity. When we say, “You just crossed a line,” we are speaking about a psychological limit that marks the distinction between behavior that does not cause emotional harm and behavior that causes emotional harm.[1]
In a relationship where someone has unreasonable demands of you, especially in one you’ve had since childhood or adolescence, it can be hard to know how to assert your boundaries once you’ve figured out what you’d like them to be.
Even in a relationship that you began as an adult, as you learn more about the other person, you might decide you need to develop new or stronger boundaries than you went into it with originally. There’s nothing wrong with that, so don’t let anyone tell you differently.
Something I’ve only come to realize in my late 20s is that I’m a people-pleaser and I never want anybody to feel left out. Unfortunately for years, that’s translated to me letting people demand more than is appropriate or comfortable for me. As I’ve begun to assert my own boundaries and distance myself from toxic or codependent relationships, I’ve seen there are some that don’t survive it very well. And that’s okay.
At first, I felt like that was a sign I should just keep giving in to the demands of disrespectful people. I kept making time for those who choose to insult or hurt others instead of dealing with their own internal struggles. I thought I was being helpful and loving by continuing to excuse this behavior. I thought that maybe I should just try to avoid any sort of conflict and that if I was just loving, patient, and forgiving enough then everything would work out.
But in ignoring my own needs and boundaries, I never had a moment of that peace I was supposed to be keeping. I’d lie awake haunted by a nasty thing someone felt okay to say to me or scared that someone might just show up to a place I didn’t invite them to, or worried about how to explain to someone why I wasn’t comfortable being around them anymore.
It’s taken work and I’m only at the beginning of where I’d like to be in this effort, but I thought it could be helpful to share some of the insights I’ve gained along the way.
1. Nobody is automatically entitled to your time.
Even if you have a history together. Even if they’re a family member. Even if they’re an old friend that you used to be very close with. If someone doesn’t understand why you can’t open your life to them like a 24/7 gas station, that isn’t on you. It’s their problem for not respecting you.
2. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about your personal boundaries.
While it’s certainly nice to want to include people in your decision-making process sometimes, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for what you do or don’t feel comfortable with. If someone tells you they want you to do something, in a healthy relationship you always have the choice to say no. Just a simple “sorry, I’m busy” or a “no, thanks. I don’t want to” is enough of a reason and no — despite what an older relative might have told you about manners growing up, it’s not at all rude to decline to do something simply because you don’t want to.
3. Healthy relationships are built upon mutual respect and trust.
If you don’t feel respected in a relationship or you feel like you can’t trust the other person, it’s worth reevaluating why you’re spending time with them in the first place. Make space to understand what you’re feeling and if there’s something that needs to be or even can be worked on there. If the other person can’t give you the respect and trust you deserve, it’s okay to get some distance or even walk away.
4. Healthy relationships are a two-way street.
There should be a give-and-take. If you feel like you’re always the one who has to listen to their problems and help them with aspects of their life but they’re rarely returning that favor, it’s okay not to make this person such a big part of your life. You deserve respect, love, and care too. It’s not fair to you to constantly make yourself small to fit into someone else's bubble or to sacrifice your life to fulfill the whims of someone who doesn’t really care about how you feel.
5. Relationship dynamics can change over time.
Some relationships in your life aren’t going to be permanent fixtures — in fact, the only relationship you’re guaranteed to always have is the one with yourself. Sometimes a friendship or working relationship will only last for the period of time it’s needed most.
I’m sure we all have people from our past that we loved to hang out with and have sort of lost touch with over time. You can always work on rekindling that relationship if both parties are interested. Or maybe you’ll completely leave each other’s lives as you move on to different things. If the latter happens, it’s important to be respectful and accept it. Be grateful for the time you did have with each other and the positive memories you made.
6. You are not anyone’s property.
Nobody owns you, not even the person who gave birth to you. If you’re in a relationship where someone is making demands of you, expecting you to work exclusively for them, ignoring your own needs in service to theirs, this isn’t a healthy relationship and it won’t bring either of you forward in your lives.
There’s nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and choosing to set healthy boundaries with the people in your life, even if they’ve been there for a long while. You deserve a full, happy life. One where you’re in control of who you’re in a relationship with and how close you’d like to be. One where you’re surrounded by people who see your value and choose to appreciate your friendship, not demand it.
