Here is the Most Effective Way to Make People Change Their Minds
It’s not trying to “Get to Yes.”
When we want to convince people, we keep trying to get them to say “Yes.”
Conventional wisdom states that when someone says “yes,” they’ve agreed to our points of view. This is why Getting to Yes is one of the most popular books (and techniques) on negotiation. It’s why Dale Carnegie suggested that the best way to engage someone is to make them say “yes” twice.
I’m no expert compared to Roger Fischer and Dale Carnegie. But I’ve also lost count of the number of times I’ve said “yes” to someone just to shut them up. Bet you’ve done the same.
To really help people change their minds, go against conventional wisdom. Get them to say “no.”
Here’s why.
We Homo Sapiens are so used to being convinced that we’ve learned to dangle the counterfeit “yes” to get others off our backs. Such a step appeases the counterpart’s ego but does nothing to achieve the goal.
Even if we agree with someone’s perspective, a “yes” doesn’t guarantee that we will follow what they suggested. We still do what we want even if it’s the exact opposite of what they suggested.
On the other hand, saying “no” makes people feel safe and in control. It makes them feel in charge of the outcome. Following this up with open-ended questions works wonders to guide them towards the logical conclusion.
Because when people believe something was their idea all along, they’re more keen to do it.
If your child doesn’t want to study for exams, you can say, “It seems you want to fail this exam.” When the child says, “No!”, follow up with a question like, “What should you do then?”
If your colleague is dragging his feet on an important deadline, you can say, “Seems like you want us to miss this deadline.” When your colleague says, “No!”, follow it up with a question like “How should we go about this then?”
Here’s a personal example.
Last week, we connected with a home-services aggregator to hire a sofa cleaning service.
The cleaner did a shoddy job. When my mother pointed it out, he said, “The sofa is wet. Once it dries up in a few hours, you’ll see the difference.” My mother cleverly paid the guy through cheque.
The next day, the sofa set looked just as dirty. So my mother called the bank and put the cheque payment on hold.
The day after, the home-services aggregator began calling and pestering my mother to release the payment. Mom said she would do it only when the work was to her satisfaction.
This back-and-forth went on for two days with no outcome.
Then my mother and I changed strategies: we decided to use the “no” technique.
When a representative of the home services aggregator called again, mom said: “I’ve told you that the work done isn’t satisfactory. But you’re asking me to pay up like my views don’t matter. Is that fair?”
The representative fell silent. He promised to call us back and hung up.
He didn’t call back. Instead, the next day, he sent the sofa cleaners to our home. They did a thorough job this time. Mom gladly released the payment.
If you make people hear themselves say “no,” they feel like they’re driving the conversation. They convince themselves that the solution was their idea.
Who would’ve thought that a “no” can lead to a win-win in negotiations?
