Hi! I’m Peder. With a ‘D’.

“When you die, it does not mean you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and the manner in which you live” — Stuart

6:45 am on March 24, 2010. I’m making my daily 45-minute drive into work. This time, I’m a bit distant. I’m driving the car, but I don’t really feel like me. I’m having a bit of a mind-body experience.

It’s not because I’ve been making the drive for the past year. It’s not because I didn’t sleep well the night before. It’s not because it is an average spring Chicago morning. No, on that day, I was distant because the inevitable was seconds from happening…

My phone rings. Without having to check, I know it’s one of my closest friends, Brian. Someone who I’ve known since I was 5 years old. “Hey bud…” he says. His voice calm, yet solemn. “Peder just passed away.” He was 24. It was news that I knew was coming, but instantly I felt the pit in my stomach grow.

Tears welled in my eyes.

We exchanged some more words before hanging up.

The silence filled the car.

I finished the remaining 15 minutes on my morning commute. My mind-body experience becoming more disconnected until finally, I arrive at my office parking garage.

Peder was my best friend and the brother I never had. He would have been the best man at my wedding had his life not been tragically cut short. For some time, I considered not having a best man at all, to honor him. With a smile that lit up any room and an innocence you couldn’t help but admire, he was the most genuine person I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing.

The year prior to his passing had been filled with health ups-and-downs. Stomach pains. Countless doctor visits and medical tests. A pancreatitis diagnosis that turned in to a PSC diagnosis, which turned in to bile duct cancer. In December 2009, he was days away from receiving a liver transplant that would have allowed him to continue to fight on. Unfortunately, the cancer had spread too aggressively, eliminating the hope of the transplant.

If there was anyone that did not deserve to experience all of this, it was him. A devout Christian who was a summer camp counselor for both special needs children and Christian youth. He was literally unable to tell a lie. Each time he attempted, his signature smile would creep across his face. He was the best to play against in poker.

When he passed, I was angry. I was sad. I was confused. I felt lost. But worst of all, I was numb.

Except at the funeral where I cried the entire time, I didn’t know how to react. For some time afterward, he continually filled my thoughts. But I never learned or figured out how to process his absence. I didn’t talk about him being gone or how I felt. Ever so slowly, I found myself bottling it away. The emotions. The confusion. The anger. The sadness. The void.

Years passed where I would think about him, but never talk about him. It took me seven years to muster the courage to talk about him and his death to a group of strangers. SEVEN YEARS! And, I can honestly say, I was extremely uncomfortable the entire time.

Over the past year, I have spent a lot of time and energy processing his death. Taking actions that I should have taken years ago, but avoided for seemingly no reason whatsoever. I’ve derived lessons from his life and his death. I’ve sought to identify how I can live a life that would embody him. That he would be proud of. That would allow me to see his smile. These are those lessons:

Be your Authentic self — ALL of the Time

“Hi. I’m Peder. With a ‘D”. This is how he would introduce himself to strangers. He wanted to make sure you knew he wasn’t ‘Peter’. He was ‘Peder’. With a ‘D’. In that simple statement, he was introducing himself. He was introducing his personality. He was letting you know he was different. That he was unique. He embraced that.

We all bring something to the table. We’re all different. We’re all unique. But few embrace that. Few put that out there from the onset. Don’t be afraid to be YOU and to share that with the world.

The reality is, being your true self-attracts the kind of people that you deserve in your life. Genuine relationships are formed organically, not through conformity and appeasement. Stop worrying about whether people like you or not because when you love yourself, that’s all that matters. The rest will fall right in to place.

The little things carry the most meaning

Before he passed, Peder said that one of the things he was most upset about was that he would never have the chance to buy a refrigerator. He dreamed big, but he lived small. He was focused on experiences and the small things that make life worth living. He knew that buying a refrigerator was much more than that. It meant he had a home to put it. It meant that he was “adulting”. He was lighthearted in how he approached life.

The first time we “hung out” outside of school was when we were 11 years old. His parents were going to see a movie and he didn’t want to see what they were planning to watch. He invited me along. The only other movie that was playing at the time that his parents would let us go see was ‘Notting Hill’. So, we went and sat through Notting Hill. In a movie theater. Two 11-year-old boys. It sounds absolutely ridiculous. I’ll never forget it.

Take pleasure in the simple things of life. While something may seem like a task, a chore, a nuisance or just an everyday, ordinary, boring event, it’s not. Enjoyment can be found in everything. Life is what you make it. And if you make it worthwhile, you’ll never forget it.

Find something to believe in

Peder was religious. The son of a pastor, he integrated Christian values into his life. It served as his compass for how he conducted himself. When he realized his time was being cut short, he was comfortable with it. He accepted it as part of a plan. As part of something larger. He knew that there were experiences in life that he had yet to go through, but he didn’t mind. He knew that his life has been as fulfilled as he could have made it.

Not everyone has to believe in God. I’m not a religious being. Far from it. But find something to believe in. Anything. And if you can’t think of anything, then believe in yourself. Believe that you will be ok. That you will navigate uncertain circumstances. Believe that you have the confidence to achieve your goals, no matter how daunting they may seem. Just believe.

Your health is your #1 priority. Family and Friends are a very close #2

From the outside, Peder was perfectly healthy. He stopped eating fast food several years earlier, worked out regularly, competed in Ultimate Frisbee, and played basketball recreationally. By all accounts, he was an unlikely candidate for the slew of health problems he experienced. He’s not alone, however. We all probably know at least one person that this has happened to.

Focus on your health. Eat cleaner. Exercise regularly. Get a physical annually. Meditate. Get enough sleep. If you have a cough, call the doctor! Ok, maybe you don’t need to be paranoid.

Don’t fall victim to Garbage in, garbage out. If your health is sound, your personal relationships will follow suit. In life, you’re nothing without your health and a strong supporting cast.

Accept your situation. And fight like hell to change it if it’s not ideal

Peder didn’t talk about his health often. He knew doing so wouldn’t change anything. Instead, he lived how he ordinarily would. He did not see himself as special or different or need validation that everything would be ok. He accepted his diagnoses and set his sights straight ahead. He fought daily to gain control over his health.

Wherever you are in your life’s journey, accept it. Whining and complaining won’t do anything to change it. If you’re unhappy with your current situation, then sit down and figure out where you want to go, how you can ultimately get there and establish a time frame. Make a plan. Then, for each day after, fight like hell to make the changes and the growths and the development to get there.

If you feel like you’re in a good place and are happy with how things are, you aren’t off the hook. You, too, have to fight like hell. Anyone can get it — the house, the cars, the toys, the clothes. The hard part is keeping it.