How Buddhism Helped Me Feel Less Self-Conscious in Public

Try this exercise for yourself.

Photo by Kevin Lee on Unsplash

Buddhism seems to have a great reputation in the self-development community, which is why I, when I arrived in Thailand for my sabbatical year off, signed up for a Buddhist meditation “retreat”.

“Retreat” makes it sound like a luxurious ordeal, but that’s wildly misleading. It consisted of 11–12 hours of meditation every day, fasting from 11 am to 6 am the next morning, and sleeping on a very thin mat on the floor.

The amazing upside, though, is that you’re given a unique opportunity to ask questions to Buddhist monks, have guided meditations for long bouts of time, and go within.

Buddhism and Self-Consciousness

Everyone has different reasons for seeking insights into existence and the human mind. Though I’ve always been curious about the meaning of life, my most practical challenge has been my own poor body image and partly crippling self-consciousness.

When I was younger I was obsessed with losing weight, and gradually I became more and more tired of letting my body image dictate my life. Whenever I was in public I would be thinking about what I looked like and trying to monitor closely how other people perceived me. I would hold my stomach in, and even sometimes press my tongue to the roof of my mouth to minimize my chin from the side. I was always, constantly, in my head.

It wasn’t until I was 25 years old that I decided that enough was enough, and that there had to be a less self-destructive way than yoyo-dieting to find whatever I was seeking.

I had read some Buddhist texts before and remembered that one of the main messages was that bliss is found inside, not outside. Using that logic, I thought, I should be able to to find happiness inside, without having to lose weight or change my appearance. Buddhism provided me with the faith that it was even possible. If I could transform my mind, I could change how I felt about myself.

The only remaining question was how.

Walking Meditation

The meditation we did at the retreat was mostly traditional seated meditation, but now and then we would do something I had never tried before, namely walking meditation. It works like this:

1. Find a location
2. Take off your shoes
3. Walk slowly and take small steps. While walking, first try to hold your attention at the soles of your feet as you step one foot in front of the other. Try to not focus forcefully, but with ease.
4. Shift your attention to what’s surrounding you. For instance, you can look at the colors of everything around you, or focus on the different smells.

I sneakily brought my phone on one of the trips, and here’s a photo of what it looked like:

It was unexpected, but I would have almost euphoric-like feelings during these walks.

First of all, I felt a great appreciation for the beauty of the nature around me, and a greater connection to it than I had ever felt before. Secondly, I felt extremely relaxed. Instead of walking around enveloped in my own mind and my own anxious, self-conscious thoughts, it helped me discover how extremely satisfying it is to turn my mind to focus on what’s going on around me instead.

At the risk of sounding like I‘m on mushrooms: It made me feel like I was a soul, using a body to walk, observe, and experience the world around me.

(While writing this I’m realizing I probably appeared high during the walking meditations. But that’s the beauty of it: you stop caring.)

Applying it to Daily Life

I only lasted 5 days at the retreat. My friend left and my blood sugar never adjusted to the fasting, so when I woke up with an unknown type of bug next to my face, I was out.

However, it didn’t take me long before I started doing walking meditations by myself, albeit a modified version. I don’t take off my shoes, but I walk around slower than I normally would, making sure I’m breathing with my whole belly, and purposefully focusing on my surroundings.

Slowly, it has gotten me used to focus on the world around me instead of how other people perceive me, which is why I believe it can be a technique for other people who struggle with the same self-consciousness as I have.

I have of course wondered if this is what everyone does by default, and I just haven’t caught on until now, but I was happy to find out that I’m not the only one who has found walking mediation to be beneficial. A small study from 2016 found that it lowered blood sugar levels in people with type 2 diabetes, and can relieve symptoms of depression. Meditation and walking have been shown to do help indviduals with anxiety. The mindfulness-aspect of the meditation has even been linked to increased creativity.