How could more authentic love fuel your leadership?
One of the recurring themes in my life in the last few months is the place of love in leadership. I work with many clients where when I bring up the topic in conversation, it can be a bit shocking and jarring to them.
There seems to be a notion that love does not mix well with the realities of the business world. When I talk about love here, I mean authentically caring for and nurturing the people you lead. I also mean providing them unconditional support
But I disagree with this perception. This article explores love in the context of leadership. It will help you reflect on the question and come to your own conclusions.
Why leaders are not allowed to love
In my recent training courses, a few young leaders told me they could not afford to get close to their people. They cannot because it may create jealousy from others or they may have to let one of these people go. They feel it is too painful for them to love.
These young leaders were only in their mid-twenties to early thirties. It is sad to me their work experiences are teaching them they need to detach themselves from their teams. They feel the need to numb themselves, like Brené Brown explains in her TED talk on vulnerability.
Some of them got promoted to management roles because it was the only way for them to grow within the company. They often need to learn their role as they go or try to emulate the leaders they had in the past. No one teaches them to love and take care of their employees.
Allowing yourself to love your employees as a manager can as simple. Start by taking a genuine interest in what is going on in the lives of the people around you. What lights them up? What is their journey? Allowing yourself to love is also to share with them what is happening in your life. You can create real connections with the people around you by opening up a little bit. This can then create a very different space for communication and collaboration.
Yes it hurts when you need to have difficult conversations with employees you are close to. Maybe it needs to be hard to remind us we are all human and we need to be more mindful in how we treat people.
How leaders forget to love
Many managers I speak to tell me about the lack of engagement and results of some people on their teams. The paradox in these discussions is these managers do not take responsibility for any of it. They forget that their bad decisions causes the team to act in the way they are complaining about. They speak from a place of blame instead of possibilities and their role in improving things.
I see a variety of potential challenges for these leaders:
- They cannot see where people could stand to improve and thus are not providing help.
- They cannot see the impact they are having on their team members.
- They do not have the emotional maturity or soft skills to provide the right support.
As a leader, remember that understanding other perspectives is a key leadership skill. Make an effort to see the world from the perspective of the people you are talking to. You are responsible for having real conversations with people. You should not build up the conversation debt that may be the root cause of your frustration.
It also seems to me that leaders may forget to love out of habit. They learn to react to situations instead of taking the time to be a more mindful leader.
Can you have conversations from a place of love?
A few years ago, I was the “interim” director of the consulting team at Pyxis Technologies. I remember, at the time, that “interim” moniker often affected how I led the team. Especially in the conversations that I had with people and more importantly the ones that I did not.
In my current position, as a small business owner my perspective is very different. When I see some of my colleagues struggling, I engage them in conversations. Together, we talk about it and see what we (or what they) could do differently.
I learned that being a loving and caring leader also means having hard conversations. Although it is not easy, we need to talk about bad behaviors, results or unmet expectations. Ever notice HOW you speak to your colleagues in these moments?
One thing that can make it easier is setting the stage right at the start. Let them know that it may be uncomfortable, it may be awkward but you need to have this discussion with them. During the conversation remain calm and present for them as you would for people that are close to you. Listen and ask questions to help you better understand their perspective. Do this instead of listening to respond and argue. Accept and acknowledge your own responsibility for things as much as possible.
Learn to question your intentions and notice where you are having conversations from. Is it out of a place of frustration or compassion? Is it out of a place of impatience or love? Notice how the words are different depending on the place you are coming from.
When having conversations from a space of love and compassion, you may notice:
- They allow for more compassion, listening and understanding
- They are free of blame but instead focus on responsibility, requests and promises
- They may take a significant amount of time. They also allow people to create tighter relationships together
- They create safety and trust between the people having the conversations
Can you lead from a place of love?
In many organizations, I notice there is almost an avoidance of love. When situations that need soft skills come up, many people want to avoid them out of discomfort. I am beginning to wonder though if leading a group through them from a place of love is actually the answer.
Some leaders look down on approaching a business situation with love. They feel that it is too soft, awkward and some believe it is not very business-like. How do you feel about the place of love in leadership especially in the business world? How could you lead your people if you chose to do so with love instead of frustration and shame?
What could be different if we chose to accept that leading with love is the key to getting permission to lead? What is your leadership based on? Fear, shame and blame or does it come out of a genuine place of love for the people you lead? How can you add more love to your leadership?
This article was originally published on forbes.com through the Forbes Coaches Council in May 2017. You can find more of my content on my leadership blog provokingleadership.com.
About Steffan
I am Steffan Surdek and I believe in contributing to a greater cause, making a difference and adding value.
I am a much in demand leadership development coach, corporate trainer, professional speaker and author. As a widely recognized principal consultant, my work has a strong business impact, helping reshape business cultures and guiding them in becoming more collaborative and efficient.
Feel free to reach out to me if you would like to chat about having me speak at your next event or if you would like to chat about your organizational culture and the challenge your leaders are facing. You can reach out to me on LinkedIn or via e-mail at letstalk@steffansurdek.com. You can also follow me on twitter.
