How embracing your fragility can make you really unbreakable
The secret lies in resilience
“The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility.”
― Paulo Coelho
I had this glorious apartment on the bank of Hudson with a view of Manhattan — it was expensive, luxurious and beautiful. But it was empty. Night after night, I would come back late from my work, finding the apartment empty for my partner was still working. I told myself it is fine.
The personal tension started affecting my MBA study and work. I would start tearing up looking at that skyline of Manhattan. I had never been this miserable before and yet I was telling myself, nothing is wrong.
Growing up, I thought tears are for the weak. I could not stand someone pitying me if I failed — it was degrading.
I thought I can bear it all because I am strong.
It was not long before I could not take the denial anymore and broke down. My relationships, career and peace of mind — everything suffered.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. You do not have to lose it all to realize what is broken.
Stop saying “I’m fine” if you are not
“What happens when people open their hearts?”
“They get better.”
― Haruki Murakami
“I’m fine,” is the most dangerous lie ever told. No one wants to be an example of failure. So much so that people stop to even acknowledge their pains and go to any length to paint a pretty picture of their lives (Hello Facebook).
Fine is never the correct representation anyway — it is a lazy way of saying: I do not care or trust you enough to tell you how I really feel.
English language has 100+ beautiful words to describe how you are feeling.
Fine is the most inadequate one.
It is like closing the door on someone’s face, telling them you are not welcome into my life.
Imagine the freedom if you could tell someone, “Hey, I am disappointed because I did not get the contract I was waiting for.” Or, “I’m just feeling empty.” I can almost visualize the other person trying to cheer you up.
Similarly, if someone opened their heart genuinely to you, are you not more likely to reciprocate with the authentic emotions yourself?
Expressing how we are really feeling opens us to intimacy and deeper relationships — with anyone.
Faking strength makes us brittle
“Real dishes break. That’s how you know they’re real.”
― Marty Rubin
There was a brilliant TED talk by Amy Cuddy on How your body language shapes who you are (which was challenged later on in another study)
Amy Cuddy argues that “power posing” — standing in a posture of confidence, even when we don’t feel confident — can boost feelings of confidence, and might have an impact on our chances for success.
Most people carry this belief to faking strength as well. Men, naturally, tend to hide their pain and tell themselves that strength lies in not feeling the pain. I was doing the same thing. I was bypassing feeling sadness and rushing myself to feel okay.
In the process, unwittingly, I was not letting myself live the grief. It was like heating a metal too quickly without tempering, and that makes it brittle. I was not being strong, I was faking it and in doing so, I was making myself brittle.
If you have suffered a loss, an ache, a heartbreak — let it sink in. Experience the depth of grief, let it flow through you before it can diffuse out of your system. By hiding it, we retain it much longer and it comes back at unexpected instances or worse yet, it causes depression.
I love this joke by Jerry Seinfeld-
“When you’re five and you get bored, you cannot support your body weight. I remember going to the bank with my parents … and I would lie down flat, like, ‘Sorry, Mom, there’s nothing I can do. This place is so dull, I cannot get up.’ This is what I think adulthood is: Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.”
Kids have a way to deal with what they don’t like. They can bang their head, stomp their feet, make funny faces and cry. I wish we adults had better way to deal with our problems.
When you lose a close friend, a family member, when a crush turns you down, when a supposed soulmate goes away, when your masterpiece fails to wow anyone —give yourself the permission to feel sad. From sad, we can rebound. From negative, one can come back to positive.
But disregarding a feeling completely leaves no room to rebound, it is a ticking time bomb.
In Conclusion
“You do not fear death. You think this makes you strong? No, it makes you weak,” says the blind prisoner in the corner.
“Why?” asks Bruce Wayne.
“How can you move faster than possible? Fight longer than possible? If not from the most powerful impulse of the spirit. The fear of death. The will to survive. Make the climb.”
“How?”
“Without the rope. Then fear will find you again.”
And climb this time, he does. The jump he makes is all he can give because not making it means his end, and the death of his dream of a secure Gotham.
Putting everything at stake, acknowledging fear and moving on, is what makes us invincible.
Acknowledging pain and still opening our hearts, is what makes us alive.
Allow yourself to be disappointed, to be heartbroken and to fail — and give time to come back from it. Embrace your fragility and by doing so, become whole and unbreakable.
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