Before I tried psychedelics I created a story that I would go “crazy” or lose my mind.
Haha, in a sense with this story I did.
There is new emerging research on the effects of LSD particularly with trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder.
“In one study researchers found that using hallucinogens led to improved emotional stability and fewer symptoms of anxiety, depression and disordered eating. “
Since I am a trauma survivor I was naturally curious about how it might help me heal.
My boyfriend who is an avid tripper introduced me to psilocybin and lsd.
After some months of research and meditating on it I decided I’d try it.
We went out to Joshua Tree and did my first “big” LSD trip in the desert.
Set and setting is so important for tripping.
We woke up with the sunrise, practiced yoga and took a couple of hits of lsd.
There was a graceful ease about it.
We ventured to an outdoor sculpture park and slowly a wave of freedom began to emerge inside of me.
I felt a euphoria, a childlike bliss, a sense of happiness I hadn’t felt in a long time.
I ran with my boyfriend through the park like two little kids at a playground.
It was beautiful and still brings a smile to my face when I think about it.
My mind felt free and I had in a sense returned home.
After what felt like an eternity we realized it was time to leave. Once we got in the car something unusual happened.
The car triggered an old trauma.
My mind drifted to an old memory of a traumatic car ride with my father.
As my mind replayed this memory I was no longer in Joshua Tree but witnessing this painful experience with my father.
In the memory I heard his voice say “I thought you were going to come to the hotel room with me so we could have a little fun together”.
Fun was code for sex.
I panicked and screamed out loud.
“What is happening?!” I asked my boyfriend with a glazed look in my eyes.
In my trip, I heard a voice say to me that it was time for us to go here, back to this memory.
To see and know the truth.
I felt like I was on an intense rollercoaster of rage, anger, sadness, and suddenly acceptance.
The voice then said “It’s time for you to know the truth. You were just a kid. Say it”.
I broke down sobbing and heard myself say for the first time out loud “I was just a kid. I was just a kid.”
It wasn’t my fault yet somehow I still carried a guilt that it was.
That my 13-year-old, 16-year-old, 19-year-old selves had started the sexual abuse from my father.
At least that’s what he had made me believe for so long.
Taking LSD was an enlightening and eye-opening experience.
I haven’t tripped since but it has a permanent place in my heart.
It helped me to pull off an old band-aid that needed to be ripped.
I truly believe that hallucinogens have phenomenal healing properties and help people like me find answers and transform trauma.