How Quarantine Helped Me Mend My Relationship With Food
My Journey Through Dieting and Body Positivity
At the beginning of fourth grade, my dog was hit by a car. Growing up my mother and I would always take him for long walks around the neighborhood. Four miles, a few times a week. After his death, however, we took a hiatus from our regular walks. It just didn’t feel the same without him there.
By the end of fourth grade, I had gained nearly ten pounds. Looking back, I now understand that this fluctuation in my weight was completely normal. So many pre-pubescent kids grow out before they grow up. But at the time I was convinced it was because I hadn’t been walking every week.
Going into fifth grade, I began the Atkins diet by proxy. My mother had recently tried it, and despite her best efforts, the diet mentality began to infiltrate my thoughts about food and body image. I remember looking around at all of the other girls in my class and thinking that my stomach stuck out so much more than theirs. It was only once I began cutting carbs that I felt comfortable wearing tight shirts again. Little did I know that this thought process of “I don’t like how I look now, but I’ll like how I look later because I’m losing weight” would become a recurring theme in my life.
My Story is One of Many
Eating disorders are as common as they are concerning. Their seeds are planted early. I remember growing up with Tumblr glorifying eating disorders for its primary audience of young, impressionable girls, and now the platform has transitioned to TikTok. Over the last six months, videos tagged #QuarantineFifteen and #WhatIEatInADay have become more and more prevalent amongst users. This only feeds into the competitive, toxic nature of eating disorders. That being said, the reintroduction of ED culture into mainstream media can and should be harnessed to create a healthy dialogue on the subject. This is my contribution to the dialogue.
Early Years
Growing up, there were many factors that led to my hyper-awareness of what I ate and how I looked. My parents divorced when I was little and my two houses had very different approaches to feeding a family.
At my dad’s house, my step-mom bought the groceries and prepared the meals. Because of this, I was only allowed to drink 1% milk, we had fruit for dessert most nights, and the marshmallows in the cabinet were counted so I was discouraged from eating them. My step-mom had good intentions, but she clearly took “health consciousness” a bit too far.
At my mother’s, however, I was allowed far more freedom in what I ate. My mother made sure to cook well-rounded dinners and send me to school with healthy snacks, but the dinners were followed by a real dessert and I got to help pick out the snacks. This encouragement of choice was what I valued most. I was able to decide what I did and didn’t like to put in my body and that was my saving grace later in life.
Middle School
Just before the start of sixth grade my mom and I moved from my hometown in Washington State to her hometown in Pennsylvania. I was homeschooled for the year and dedicated my extra time to becoming more active. Swimming laps at the local YMCA led to intense workout sessions whenever I had a minute to spare. I then began to count calories and portion sizes. Due to this, and a considerable growth spurt, I lost all of my baby weight. Between Christmas of sixth grade and the beginning of seventh grade, I had lost twenty pounds and grown three inches.
During this time, my weight was always within a healthy range for my height class. My attitude towards food and exercise, on the other hand, was headed towards the danger zone. No one should obsess over the number on a scale or the size printed on the back of their jeans. Especially not a twelve-year-old.
High School
Transitioning to high school had a surprisingly positive effect on my diet and body image. It wasn’t until sophomore year, when my boyfriend at the time asked me to prom, that I once again felt the pressure to look a certain way. I went vegetarian for a few months and was confident in how I looked when the day arrived. But I still altered my prom pictures before posting them.
Each year I continued dieting for homecoming and prom and graduation. Each year I lost more and more of my ability to intuitively eat. My last few years of school were spent avoiding junk food, skipping meals, and counting calories. My summers off were spent making up for these restrictive periods. So often I would fill my plate when I should have been filling my time.
College
It wasn’t until I went off to college in New York last year that my issues surrounding food and body image reached new heights. A new school in a new city promised an endless array of new things to take up my time. The lack of parental supervision promised that there would be no one to be concerned about my eating habits.
At first, I ate very little. I would usually wait until late at night and hastily scarf down a breakfast sandwich while I sat alone on the subway. The first time I came back home from college, my family greeted me with praise, saying how thin I looked. This only reinforced the underlying idea in my head that my appearance took priority over my health.
Eventually, the effects of the city wore off and I sank into a vicious cycle of restricting during the day and binging at night. I would stay up after my roommates had gone to bed and eat whatever I could get my hands on. I became hyper-aware of any weight I had gained and how my body looked in the mirror each day.
Beginning the Healing Process
It was at this point that I decided to seek help and spent a few months talking to a counselor at my school. I find it funny that I only decided to reach out to someone once my disordered eating was resulting in weight gain instead of weight loss. This mentality caused the therapy to be relatively ineffective. Looking back, I realize I wasn’t yet ready or able to start mending my relationship with food.
The one piece of advice that stuck with me from my counseling, however, was to start giving myself more credit. At eighteen I had left home for the big city. I learned how to navigate college, friends, and the New York subway system. It was normal for all of this to cause a few bumps in the road and all I had to do was get back on track.
How Quarantine Gave Me the Push I Needed
Slowly but surely I began to notice the unhealthy nature of my intrusive thoughts and sporadic eating patterns. But unlearning toxic behavior is easier said than done. It wasn’t until my boyfriend and I left New York to self-quarantine just a few months ago I had to put my convictions to the test. The prospect of being stuck inside indefinitely made face the reality that I was going to have to adjust to being far less active and far less occupied than I was accustomed to. Eating out of boredom wasn’t sustainable when I was constantly bored. Eating only once I had exercised wasn’t sustainable when I barely ever left the house.
I began to eat two meals a day instead of just one. I learned to appreciate the art and the process of cooking. I found other hobbies than snacking to fill my time. It was a tedious process, but by the time I came back to New York, I felt like I had so much more control over when and how I ate. And more importantly the freedom to fall off the wagon every once in a while.
Understandably, there was some anxiety upon returning to New York. Will I fall back into old patterns? Will the jeans I haven’t worn in three months still fit? Is THIS really the health issue I’m worrying about right now?
Thankfully my transition was relatively seamless. My healthy eating habits began to translate into a healthier body image. The way I dress became far more adventurous and even more revealing at times. I would no longer go over the food I ate throughout the day, as I lied in bed at night. I stopped over-analyzing my body whenever I looked in the mirror.
A Work In Progress
I’m the first to admit that I still have a ways to go to regain a healthy relationship with food and with myself. I still give in to temptation. I still watch the #WhatIEatInADay videos on TikTok. I still question if I had a real eating disorder at all because I was never at an unhealthy weight. I still struggle even calling it that because it doesn’t fit into the boxes of anorexia or bulimia.
But documenting the healing process is far more valuable than presenting the final product. Everyone is a work in process. Everyone struggles with food and exercise and confidence at some point in life. Eating disorders don’t discriminate.
Final Thoughts
I was hesitant to write this, to share my experiences, to give any sort of advice on the subject. The harsh reality of the situation is that even with everything I went through, I barely even grazed the surface of what it’s like to have an eating disorder. My somewhat limited perspective aside, there are some things I wish I had known growing up, and these I will share.
Regardless of the impact an eating disorder has on your life or the boxes it does or doesn’t fall into. Regardless of how severe your symptoms are or how high functioning you are in spite of them. Your feelings and your experiences are valid. It’s never too early to speak up and seek help. It’s never too late to recover.
