How Self-Destruction Used to Be My Thing
A story about your consciousness attacking your personal development
“You just love being miserable.”
This was what a friend of mine told me once. I was outraged — I had just spent an hour revealing my most personal thoughts on life, death, relationships, things that matter, human contact. And there he was, my friend, the one who used to listen to my constant rambling for years, slaughtering me with his insightful honesty.
Did I use to find solace in misery?
Ever since I was a child, I had this idea of things ending. People didn’t get it — while my friends were happy with the things they managed to achieve and the relationships they managed to maintain, there I was, dreadfully anticipating the moment when everything ends. I didn’t believe in things lasting. And surely I didn’t believe I was worthy of having things stick. For people to stay.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my father abandoned me and my mother when I was a baby. It’s funny how events out of our reach and control can affect our state of mind so deeply that, at best, it would take years for us to realize it wasn’t because of us.
After years of self-analysis and self-reflection, I came across the idea that I preferred to brace myself in advance. You know how it goes: you meet this great person, you establish a connection, then fear kicks right in, so you choose to destroy your chance of maintaining something real because, well, it would come to an end eventually.
Let me explain:
My self-defense mechanism was mourning the end of something even in its hypothetical state of existence.
I have always wanted to write but, for years, I dreaded rejection.
What if no one cares? What if no one likes what I’ve created? I used to enter this miserable loop of uncertainty that, eventually, used to lead me to no writing at all. Problem solved.
I have always wanted to establish a deep, mindful relationship with people. When I had chances of doing so, panic kicked in.
What if I reveal my soul and be at my most vulnerable state and then this person just leaves? What if I allow myself to be hopeful that this time it will be just right and then they vanish?
The best thing to do: just let your fear destroy the possibility of you being hurt at some point and ruin everything with constant needs of reassurance, initiating ‘we have to talk’-scenarios, being sad just because, waiting for the ‘this isn’t going to work out’-moment.
That’s what I used to do; that’s how I allowed my self-destructing defense mechanisms to stop me from pursuing my dreams and goals in life, as well as to push people away. I was just too much of a handful.
Then I realized what I was the most afraid of…
A year ago, while I was daydreaming (since it’s so much safer living your life in the comfort of your thoughts) I imagined myself as an old lady.
I began thinking about what my life would be when I’m 60, 70, 80.
And then I realized something that made my blood freeze, chills were sent down my spine, my heart suddenly sank.
Right there and then I knew that when I am 80, I would be filled with regrets of everything I missed during my time on this planet, in this life.
All of a sudden the scenarios of rejection, abandonment, fear of giving too much became so tiny, so irrelevant in the bigger picture of waste.
I had this life, this inner passion, those dreams — and I was letting them twinkle in the corners of my consciousness.
But a spark quickly dies without fire to keep it alive and shining.
I think that was the moment when a tremendous shift in my state of mind occurred — in the blink of an eye, my abandoning father didn’t matter anymore. All those people who came and left my life — I let them go. My fear of not being good enough seemed funny — not good enough to who? To someone who chose not to stick? Then why did it matter?
My insecurities became insignificant to me.
I imagined the old me, crying her life out — the life she missed while dreading living it, while fearing chances, doubting the success of various opportunities. Because, truth be told, everything seems entirely different if you change perspectives.
When we are young, we are more prone to wasting our time
Simply because we think we have plenty of it.
It doesn’t matter if you waste your precious days out of fear taking chances or procrastination. At the end of the day, your days are passing by without you giving yourself the chance to shine. And while it’s crucial for you to analyze your own reasons for waste and work them out, what truly matters is the moment when you choose this life. Now.
Life is what happens while you’re dreaming of having a decent one.
Life is the courage to express yourself in every way possible. Life is having your heart broken, life is healing afterward. Life is having that 2 a.m. talk at your most vulnerable state allowing someone to get to know your soul. Whether they choose to stay or not is out of your control and that’s how it’s supposed to be. There is beauty in uncertainty. Life is taking a step further towards your hobby, your passion. Life is giving yourself a mission.
Life is giving yourself a chance to live. No fear. No regrets. Just live the best way you can.
