How the Principle of the Matter Hurts Us More Than the Matter Itself
When I was a little kid, my favorite go-to phrase was, “IT’S NOT FAIR!” Any time I was unhappy or didn’t get my way, those were the first words guaranteed to come out of my mouth. So much so, that my parents morbidly joked that they were going to inscribe them on my tombstone. Oddly, that image still makes me chuckle.
As an angsty pre-teen, I had unknowingly clued into a major folly of the human condition: our tendency to form judgments about how we believe things ought to be, and then get upset when our expectations don’t meet reality. We’ve been wronged, justice has been destroyed, and maybe if we kick and scream a little bit more, we’ll get our way or things will change in our favor.
But the truth is…life isn’t fair. And what is fair anyway? Who are we to determine what constitutes fairness? Aren’t there always variables, circumstances, and reasons why a situation might not seem fair but might be for the best?
Our tendency to get hung up on this principle of fairness causes us immense pain and suffering. We make ourselves more upset than necessary instead of allowing ourselves to move beyond the initial hurt of the situation. Usually, it’s because our ego is burned in the process.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say that you find out that your group of friends all made plans together and didn’t invite you. And sure, you might feel upset or disappointed that you weren’t invited because you would have loved to spend time with them. But isn’t your reaction more about the principle of the matter — that you’re part of the group and they should have invited you? And the fact that they didn’t is wrong, unfair, or must mean there’s something totally wrong with you (or maybe wrong with them…hmph!)?
Instead of moving beyond that initial disappointment, we let the principle of the matter perpetuate our emotional distress to the point that we start jumping to additional negative conclusions (I must be worthless. They’re all mean!). And it all stemmed from the initial belief that friends are supposed to be totally inclusive and invite each other places. In reality, who says that someone has to invite you to a social gathering, even if all of your other friends are going?
Have you ever yelled at someone because they “deserved it”? Or fought for something you really didn’t care that much about just to prove a point and not let the other person win? These are other examples of that principle of fairness at work.
I started to uncover this way that we get hung up on principle when I became a devoted student of Stoic Philosophy. There’s a powerful reflection by the Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, written in his personal journal, later translated and published as the book, Meditations. Marcus Aurelius was considered a “philosopher king” and Meditations is often described as one of the most influential Stoic texts and practical guides for living, embraced by entrepreneurs, politicians, world leaders, and people in every walk of life.
Marcus Aurelius wrote,
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
In other words, no event in itself is a “good” or “bad” thing, but we make it so by labeling it. It’s not a “bad” thing that our friends didn’t invite us to that social gathering. But our choice to attach a negative meaning to the event caused us to feel upset and disappointed.
Unfortunately, we typically attach meaning to events subconsciously. We feel automatic negative reactions and then our minds try to justify them with the logic that we’ve been wronged, the situation is unfair, and thus, we have every right to be upset.
And sure, we do have every right to be upset. But we should ask, “How is this working for us?” It’s my understanding that most of us try to avoid emotional pain. So wouldn’t it be better to take control of our negative judgments and stop inflicting more distress on ourselves?
So, in our example, what if we could move beyond the principle of the matter and allow ourselves to turn the situation into something positive? Now that we don’t have plans with our friends, we can spend time reading a book, going for a jog, or any other type of solo activity that we enjoy.
The key to overcoming emotional distress is a willingness to question all of your subconscious beliefs and modify the ones that cause negativity. And to do this, we MUST let go of all of our preconceived notions of what is fair on “principle.”
Sounds simple, right? Well, it is and it isn’t.
After studying this concept for so many years, I realized why it’s so difficult to modify our subconscious beliefs. It’s because we feel entitled to have them. We learn from our family, friends, and society how things should, and shouldn’t be. We hold beliefs about how friends should treat us, how we have a right to be upset when something isn’t “fair,” and which events in life we should have a positive or negative reaction to.
But once we have this self-awareness about what our subconscious beliefs are and where they come from, we have the power to modify them and move beyond the initial pain of the situation.
How to Move Beyond the Principle of the Matter in 4 Easy Steps
Next time you’re feeling upset about something, try this 4-step self-assessment. Ask yourself the following:
- Truth Talk: Am I truly upset, or do I feel like I should be upset on principle?
- Uncover Subconscious Beliefs: What subconscious belief or principle I hold to be true is being challenged? Hint: look toward societal norms, things you’ve learned from your friends and family, your past experiences, etc.
- Removing the “Bad” Label: Why should I not consider this situation to be a “bad” thing even though I prefer that this didn’t happen to me?
- Move Beyond the Principle into the Positive: How can I view this situation differently, and more positively? Include at least two positive thoughts or ideas about the situation.
Training myself to let go of the principle of the matter was one of the most liberating experiences on my self-development journey.
And after all, the worst thing that happened is that my parents have to think of another creative inscription for my tombstone.
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