How To Become Your Own Therapist
Simple yet powerful exercises you can do with zero cost
I’m going to say this before we start: there is no substitute for professional therapy. While some claim that good friendships, exercise, medication, spending time in nature, or their spiritual practice provides them with all the therapy that they need, others have issues that require professional intervention, and in fact trying to “fix yourself” or save money by approaching untrained coaches or ‘lightworkers’ could end up doing more harm than good.
Saying that, it’s 2020 — we’re in the midst of a global pandemic, climate collapse has already started playing out, and mental health issues are skyrocketing. But not everyone can afford to go to a psychotherapist: depending on the level of experience and expertise you’re looking for, a single “hour” (read: 50 minutes) can now cost up to $250 — which is not exactly going to help if one of your biggest sources of anxiety is connected to your financial future.
Of course, there are other reasons you may choose not to find your own therapist: trust issues, a lack of time, or perhaps you’re just not convinced that talking about your feelings with somebody else is going to be all that helpful.
Despite being a coach and a strong advocate of mental health, I managed to avoid seeking therapy myself for several years. While I have now started seeing somebody and can recommend finding a good therapist, it is not quite the mind-shattering, eye-opening experience that it may be for somebody who has never done any self-exploration.
What do I mean? Well, for most of my life I coached and gave therapy to myself. And while it’s true that I wasn’t qualified to deal with some of the issues that I brought to the table, it turns out that I had unwittingly discovered a few exercises that therapists and coaches often teach people in order to encourage independence.
So if you’re looking for a way to work through difficult emotions without having to bring another person into the equation, here are the simple (but effective) things that I do.
1.) Write a letter to yourself.
This might seem obvious and cliché, but it can work wonders.
The idea is simple: imagine that you have travelled 5, 10, maybe 20 years into the future. Really try to picture yourself as an older, wiser, happier version of yourself. Visualise the life you have: where you live, who is around you, what kind of things you do to fill your day.
If it’s hard to access this image, you can try adding a few more elements of fantasy. For example, I like to imagine a time machine in front of me, in which I can input the year and really see myself travelling forward through time.
Now think back to the confused, lost version of yourself sitting back in the year 2020 wondering what to do. Pick up your pen, and start writing to them.
2.) Write a letter to a friend.
If this doesn’t work for you, a slightly different technique is to imagine that one of your closest, dearest friends has written to you with the same problem that you have.
Now, instead of seeing the problems and feelings as your own, you are seeing them as belonging to a friend that you care about. How does that shift things?
Sometimes it is hard to see things clearly when they are happening to us, but once we reframe the situation and imagine it happening to somebody we love, we are suddenly able to see things from a new perspective.
What’s more, this technique is backed by science: a 2010 study found that people who wrote a compassionate letter to themselves once a day for a week experienced significant reductions in depression up to 3 months later and significant increases in happiness up to 6 months later (compared with a control group who wrote about early memories).
Another study from 2014 found that those who took part in a self-compassion intervention, which included writing a compassionate “letter to a friend” and then reading it back as if it were addressed to themselves, showed improvements in self-compassion, optimism, mindfulness and life satisfaction.
3.) Role-play a conversation.
Tired of writing letters? Then role-play might just work for you.
The first time I acted out a conversation with myself, I was naturally a little worried that I was losing my mind. But it turns out that talking to yourself is actually good for you.
The following role-play can take place out loud, inside your head, or through a typed ‘script’ — depending on what works for you. As someone who processes my feelings best through writing, I prefer to type it out as a dialogue, but you might even like to express yourself through movement or song.
In a nutshell, you are going to start by asking yourself the questions that your ideal therapist or coach would ask you — and then respond. Even if you’ve never had therapy before, you probably have a pretty good idea of how you would expect somebody to respond.
If you get stuck, have a look at a list of commonly asked questions within therapy (beyond the stereotypical “how does that make you feel?” or perhaps powerful coaching questions. Some good ideas to get started are:
- Tell me about another time in your life when this pattern played out.
- How is this impacting you or others?
- How might your life be different if you were able to view this situation differently?
- What do you think would be a good first step toward ___?
4.) Make your way through free worksheets online.
While I am not here to promote specific therapists or coaches, I will just say that the Internet is full of free coaching and therapy tools, worksheets and exercises.
Of course, some of these will be more effective than others, and you may lose a lot of the value when you try to process them yourself.
Still, these tools can be a good starting point to help you pinpoint exactly what is bothering you, and you can always incorporate them into an imaginary conversation between yourself and your ideal therapist.
A note of caution…
As I mentioned before, there is no substitute for professional help, especially if you are suffering from depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts. If this is the case, then there are free counselling telephone lines available — even if not within your country, you may be able to access them via Skype.
It is also very likely that becoming your own therapist is likely to result in similar outcomes to becoming your own best friend — in other words, you will create an echo chamber in which you may remain blind to several factors that are obvious to other people, reinforce your own behaviour and give validation to your feelings even when they are harmful to other people.
This is why it’s important that through doing this work, as with any self-improvement work, you are able to be humble, ready to accept when you are at fault without falling into cycles of shame and self-hatred, ready to approach yourself with love and yet open to the possibility that there are things that you need to change — whether you work with another person or you choose to stay as your own therapist.
