A Guide to Emotional Intelligence
How to Not Be an A-Hole
Being self-aware is a start.
We’ve all been assholes before.
Even you, the reader who is denying it right now, has been a shit person at one point.
To the readers who agree with me, let’s hope by the end of this article we get people on the same page. We aren’t perfect and being aware of how we come off as people is important in this game called life.
It’s unfortunate, but most of the time, you will piss somebody off and have no clue what you did.
If we lived in a perfect world, the person you pissed off would call you out and have a conversation on how you made them feel. Sadly, it doesn’t go this way most times. You will often be forced to play a guessing game on why this person is acting weird, or take it upon yourself to call them out on their changed behavior.
We as individuals all have things that are exclusive to us only. Our experiences continue to mold and shape us into the people we are destined to become.
Even though this is the case, there is one thing we all share as human beings that we can’t deny.
We all have feelings!
Some of us process them in strange ways, and some of us feel things intensively.
One thing I’ve learned that stands true is that people will forgot about what you have done for them, but will never forget how you made them feel.
Having great emotional intelligence is the answer to maintaining a great relationship with anyone you want in your life. Whether it be your lover, friend, or your boss, EQ is valuable.
Hear me out!
By the end of this article, you’ll know the basics of EQ and how you can start applying it to improve your relationship with others as well as yourself.
Let’s avoid being assholes.
Emotional Intelligence? What the Hell is That?
The term emotional intelligence was created by two researches named Peter and John. In 1996 it became more popular after a guy named Dan Goleman coined it — a science journalist and a psychologist.
“Emotional Intelligence is how well a person can read and monitor their own emotions as well as the emotions of others.”
If you’re an over-thinker or someone who is meticulous about your next move, you probably might have more EQ than you are aware.
Psychologist like to break EQ into 5 components:
Self-Awareness
My favorite component and easily one of most important factors when it comes to not being an asshole — self-awareness — entails you being able to identify your emotions and realize how you are affecting others with your behavior.
Take a second and consider why you’re feeling what you’re feeling.
Identify what triggered you so that you know what to do to avoid being triggered again.
Many people like me fail at this stage of EQ by simply not acknowledging their emotions or drowning out their feelings with alcohol or drugs.
Self-Regulation
What should naturally follow after self-awareness is self-regulation. This includes everything you do once you come to a conclusion on how you feel — the actions you take being filled with emotion.
When I think about good self-regulation, I think about self-control. You need to express and cope with your emotions in a healthy manner.
Don’t go vent to social media and let people who could care less about you see you bleed.
Sleeping with everyone because you’re depressed is not the move.
Take some deep breathes and handle your feelings maturely.
Social Skills
I struggle with this part of EQ because I’m pretty awkward.
The benefits to having great social skills can take you farther than some realize.
Being capable of making someone laugh, maintain relationships, earning someone’s trust — are all underrated skills.
Imagine being in a room full a millionaires and having the kind of charm to end up being best friends with a couple of them before you leave.
Now you’re getting invited to huge pool parties and your rich buddy is connecting you with a top tier name in your career of interest.
Man, I wish I was that likeable!
Empathy
At one point I thought I lacked empathy, but turns out I just didn’t have good self-awareness. If you can’t process your own feelings, what makes you think you can feel for someone else?
Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to understand them better is a life hack to better overall relationships. It keeps you from unintentionally triggering someone and responding more effectively.
Empathy is when you can see right through your friends lies when they say they don’t care about their ex.
When I find myself in those uncomfortable conversations, I watch what I say. Usually when you start to add to the trash talk, you start to feel the tone of the conversation change. Just shut up and listen to them essentially vent.
Motivation
Like a wave, it comes and goes. This component of emotional intelligence is a struggle for the majority of us.
Being able to stay self-motivated is a gift that will continue to be valuable.
People who have high EQ in this regard can keep themselves going by getting some sort of internal satisfaction.
Money, cars, clothes, and all the other material things that count as motivation is cool, but being able to be motivated by just wanting to achieve a goal is a fire that hard to put out.
Having elite emotional intelligence is truly a cheat code to life.
Mastery in the 5 components mentioned above will surely prevent you from being an asshole when you don’t even realize it.
Stay blessed!
JC
