Don’t Give Up on Love
“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake and help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.“ - Mandy Hale
I’ve gotten my heart broken many times. And every time hurt worse than the other.
Let’s circle back to 2013. I was 15, naive and seemingly in love. I mean, I just had to be. I got the weirdly over-romanticized butterfly things in my stomach whenever he kissed me and I was in utopia whenever he was around. That had to be love. Or at least that’s what the Sarah Dessen books told me. I started revolving my entire life around this boy. I’d be in class wondering if he’s okay. Remember when you’d be pretending to listen in class but you were really doodling your crush’s name all over the back page of your notebook? That was me, and trust me I’m cringing just like you as I write this. I’d even count down the hours til I got to take the bus with him after school. I was sprung.
But then he broke up with me and started dating someone immediately after. Someone who attended the same school as I did.
My utopia fell apart. The stupid butterflies died and I began to question my worth. I began to wonder if I was ever going to be enough to love, although that was only my first break up. And to add salt to injury, it didn’t help at all that this was the guy I lost my virginity to. So it took me exactly 2 years to get over him. I was young and I didn’t quite learn how to properly transition myself through troubled times like this, so I took that same low self-esteem and self-deprecating mindset with me throughout all my other relationships.
My second boyfriend only dated me because he wanted to distract himself from the fact that the girl he really wanted, didn’t want him.
My third boyfriend was dating someone else while he dated me. He wanted the best of both worlds.
My fourth boyfriend? God bless him because he was the greatest boyfriend I’ve ever had.
And now, being single for 3 years and reminiscing on all the heartbreak I’ve been through in relationships and even in “situationships”… I’ve learnt one thing.
Do not, under any circumstance, give up on love.
My way of thinking back then wasn’t a good one. After every break up, I’d always boil it down to one conclusion: That I wasn’t good enough and that I was never going to find love. That way of thinking made me hate myself. It made me extremely self-conscious and withdrawn. I began to shy away from meeting potential partners because I was already of the notion that they weren’t going to like the way I looked or the way I carried about myself and that things just weren’t going to work out. That mindset didn’t just stop there but it started preventing me from being more open; I had this guard up all the time. I just became so conscious of everything about me and it made me develop this insane bout of anxiety, both social and general.
I made heartbreak ruin me.
It took a long time for me to start seeing heartbreak as a lesson instead of just seeing it as something that was constructed by the Heavens to rain havoc on my life. It took a while for me to realize that heartbreak wasn’t a direct indicator of me and who I was. These failed attempts at love were showing me what I need and didn’t need in a relationship. They showed me some aspects of myself that I needed to change, and I’m not talking about my physical appearance here. They ultimately showed me that I was worth so much more than what I was allowing myself to settle for.
I have no regrets. I learnt valuable lessons.
And I don’t want anyone to get a “Love yourself before you love someone else” takeaway from this.
I’m tired of that narrative. You don’t need to have your self-love shit together in order to be in a relationship. A love so powerful and meaningful can calm the storm within your heart. A love so strong can mend your broken heart back together again. Love can save you.
So I pray for those that feel as though they don’t deserve love. Say this over and over and over again until you believe it, until you feel it:
I will not give up on love, I am worthy of love. I will not give up on love, I am worthy of love. I will not give up on love, I am worthy of love.
