I Found the Root of my Self-Doubt…with a Tennis Ball

There was one particular time in my life where I felt my anxiety issues would never end. I always avoided situations that made me nervous and I felt like I always would for the rest of my days.

Years prior, I received an 8-month CBD (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) course for OCD, which significantly improved my condition.

However, one thing I could never really shake off was this never-ending self-doubt.

I could never really trust myself with anything. I felt that I had this extraordinary ability to mess up anything I tried to do, while everyone else were doing things right.

When I was being treated for OCD, I remember being told that finding the root of my anxiety was not important, it was more the treatment of the symptoms was what helped the most. Which is true.

But I always wondered…

What caused so much of my self doubt and lack of trust in myself?

So during one summer afternoon, I was sorting through my garden shed when I came across an old tennis ball. Taking a break, I decided to start just throwing it in the air and catching it. A game of solo catch.

But it was this one moment of throwing the ball in the air and catching it that I really focused. I thought to myself:

WHY DO I TRUST MYSELF TO CATCH THIS BALL? WHY DO I NOT WORRY ABOUT IT?

Why do I worry about so much, but I don’t think twice with just doing this activity?

Why do I need to seek reassurance every time I need to make a decision which I’m responsible for?

Whilst going through these thoughts, I really tried to concentrate on what was going through my mind at the exact moment I locked on to the ball to catch it.

What did I find?

Nothing.

There was literally nothing else to it than just letting myself catch the ball.

Letting myself.

There was no need to think about it. It was an automatic response — my body just worked to catch the ball.

And I learned something..

I lost my trust in myself because I lost sight of my unconscious ability to do things.

I felt I had to be in control of everything — the slightest thing that went wrong was entirely my responsibility.

Whether I caught the ball or not, I could only do what I could to try to catch it. To keep myself in position, then let my reflexes do the work.

It was in this moment that I realized how ridiculous it was for me to try do everything so perfectly. You can do your best, but in the end, you either catch the ball, or you don’t.

What if I didn’t catch the ball?

I picked it up, and tried again.

The world didn’t come to an end.

So I tried to put this new perspective into areas of my life:

• If I was afraid to do a long drive, I would program the route in my GPS app and trust my reflexes on the road. All I could do was be aware and keep my eyes on the road.
• If I was afraid to meet new people, I would trust myself to just go with it — I know I like to meet new people, so I relaxed and let the conversation flow.

What did I find?

When I trusted myself, things just flowed more naturally.

I relaxed.

I didn’t worry whether or not I acted the right way.

I just went with it.

My trust in myself came back gradually through putting this into practice.

It all started with a tennis ball.

So I always try to remember that there is a side to me that is automatic. The same thing that remembers how to ride a bike even if I haven’t been on one for 10 years.

I say to myself:

Do your best to prepare — then leave the rest to your awareness and reactions.

And if things don’t work out?

Pick yourself up and try again.

So if you struggle to trust yourself:

Go play catch.

You’ll see what I mean.