I Joined a Gym Again After Recovering From an Eating Disorder
Learning to love the feel of fitness — not the look of fitness.
Staying active has always been one of my proudest achievements. In middle school, I swam laps at the local YMCA. In my first year of high school, I started running every day. By the time I left for college, I was going to the gym religiously and doing at-home workouts on my days off.
From the outside, I looked like an active, dedicated, healthy kid. And that’s what I was going for — looking healthy. It didn’t matter if I felt healthy or was healthy. In reality, throughout middle and high school, throughout the swimming and the running and the lifting weights, I had developed an eating disorder.
Recognizing and Resolving the Problem
Recognition
I’m not the biggest fan of the term “eating disorder”. It feels like a really big bomb to drop, especially considering how common disordered lifestyle patterns can be. Oftentimes these patterns show up in how we eat, but they also show up in how we exercise or view our bodies as a whole. The term is far too specific for such a broad issue.
Thus, I found it difficult to identify my disordered eating and exercising habits, and the way they affected my mind and body as I was growing up. It wasn’t until my freshman year of college, after prolonged periods of under-eating and over-exercising, that I fully recognized the issue at hand.
Resolution
Towards the end of my fall semester, I decided to seek help. I slowly began opening up to friends and family and went to a school counselor for a few months. Then, as COVID and the ensuing quarantine era arose that spring, I was forced to address my issues head-on.
“Eating out of boredom wasn’t sustainable when I was constantly bored. Eating only once I had exercised wasn’t sustainable when I barely ever left the house.”
This pretty much sums up my experience recovering from an eating disorder during the pandemic. It was taken from an earlier article:
I wrote this piece last summer, after returning home from quarantine. In the time since then, I have continued to see progress in my eating and exercise habits.
Over the winter I maintained a healthy diet and even started dipping my toe in the waters of regular exercise once again. By nature of living in a city and walking everywhere, my lifestyle was already pretty active. But I was hesitant to focus on the intentional, health-related aspects of exercise rather than the practical ones.
To combat this, I made an effort to be active in ways that I knew made me happy and that I looked forward to. Morning runs and at-home yoga were a few of my favorites. It felt like I was visiting an old friend the moment I unrolled my yoga mat or laced up my running shoes.
Obviously, there were bad days. There were days I weighed myself and felt like skipping a meal or going for a run. I had to remind myself that food wasn’t a reward and that exercise wasn’t a punishment. I had to push past the bad days and the bad feelings until I reached the good ones. This is what really solidified my trajectory towards recovery.
Rejoining the Gym
At First
Come spring 2021 it had been a full year of resolving my disordered eating and exercising habits. This had now surpassed staying active in my list of greatest achievements. Then, and only then, did I feel comfortable going back to the gym.
I signed up for a local, no-frills gym in June. There were so many thoughts going through my head the first day I went. Do I even remember how to do this? Should I weigh myself? What if I’m undoing all of my progress? I felt mildly unmotivated (don’t we all), intimidated, and excited at the same time. All I felt the next day was sore.
After a few visits, however, I started to get my bearings. I decided to go three days a week, focusing more on building strength than spending hours on the treadmill. The days were split into back, chest, and leg. By placing special attention on each part of my body and what it could do for me, I was able to retrain my brain from previous ways of thinking. Bodies are meant to be more practical and less ornamental.
Now
It has only been two months of consistently working out and I have noticed an immense change in my abilities and my mood. I like the everyday routine and the overall progress I’m making, both mentally and physically. I look forward to the walk to the gym from my house, the extra weight I can lift each week, and the smoothies I get on the way back.
Admittedly, I still focus on the look of fitness as well as the feel of fitness. I still compare myself to other people at the gym. I still catch myself looking in the mirror to suck in my stomach or adjust my clothing. It’s difficult to completely tune out a significant part of the culture of working out.
That being said, I’m now beginning to see my body for what it can do rather than how it looks. Every time I pick up a heavier weight than I could the week before or outrun my boyfriend on the treadmill, I feel so exceptionally accomplished. Even looking at the calluses on my hands makes me proud. Just today I ran a mile without stopping. It sounds like a minor accomplishment, but at no point during middle or high school could I do that.
These actions bring me so much more lasting happiness and further motivation than a number on a scale ever did. Any weight I used to lose would grant me a fleeting feeling of accomplishment. And then almost immediately I was met with worry about gaining it all back. Now, I’m able to accept myself and my limitations and truly appreciate the progress I make.
Recovering Myself
I’ve started to remember why I joined the local YMCA in my little hometown all those years ago. I remember how I felt coming out of the pool, wrapped in a towel, and the overwhelming smell of chlorine. This was before exercise was a chore, or a requirement, or a punishment. When it was something I did a few days a week because I liked it.
Sure, there is an aspect of accomplishment, pride, and strength that goes along with being active. That’s a big reason why I, and so many others, go to the gym. But instead of the accomplishment being how healthy I look, it is now about how healthy I feel and how healthy I am.
