I Just Threw 78 of 100 Pages of the Book I’m Writing Right In the Fucking Trash

Here Is Why, What Led to it and What Comes Next

Brian Brewington
Jul 27, 2017 · 5 min read

Not because it was trash but because it needed to be trashed.

Because my reason for writing it since initially deciding it was something I “wanted to do” way back in 2009, has long since been disposed of. My desire or intention has not changed, just my purpose behind writing it.

In 2009, I read Tucker Max’s “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” when I was at a low point you can read about in “How The Stock of My Own Personal Life Crashed With The Market In 2008”.

I was somewhere just outside Atlantic City in a Border’s book store. I had just lost my job, long time girlfriend and in turn the apartment we rented, when I walked by the book I can honestly say changed everything for me in so many unique and amazing ways.

First and foremost, it made me laugh during a time in my life when I didn’t have much else to laugh about.

It could be said “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” was a phrase I often thought to myself when at rock bottom, so perhaps I was attracted to it by a force greater than myself or the random placement of Border’s books that day. I just remember picking it up, flipping it over, reading

“My Name Is Tucker Max And I Am An Asshole” and thinking, I’m in, sold.

I would go on to devour the book in a day and a half or so, reading almost obsessively, in shock and uncontrollable out loud laughter. Reading the tales of drunken debauchery in that book made me believe I too had a book inside of me.

Reading Tucker’s bestseller led me to discovering the majority of my favorite writers in both James Altucher and Ryan Holiday.

Reading James’ work has changed my life in a way I could never repay. My entire line of thinking changed through a total of ten books read, all written by Tucker, James and Ryan with the exception of “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen. I would have never discovered the work of Ryan nor James if it wasn’t for Tucker, so thank you Tucker. Best twelve bucks I’ve ever spent.

I have been reading Ryan Holiday’s “Perennial Seller: The Art of Making & Marketing Work That Lasts” where he points out how many people want to simply have a book, not write one.

Meaning they want the glamour of it but not the gore. The rewards but not the work. All sunshine, no sacrifice. After reading that, I couldn’t help but immediately apply it to a younger version of myself.

Shortly after having read that, I stumbled across an article of Robert Greene’s on his medium page titled “To Raise Your Game You Must Think Like a Hustler and See All the Angles — In Pool, In Life: Insights into angles, hustlers and suckers

Clearly, it is an article about angles. Which got me thinking about my own angles.

My angle for wanting a book in 2009 was much different than the one I actually write from today.

In 2009, I wanted to have a book like Tucker Max’s “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell”.

I felt as though I had an abundance of stories just like his, a few in which even rivaled his perhaps. I wanted to have a book, to show the girl who had just ended our 5 year relationship she made the wrong decision.

I wanted a publisher to offer me an advance for the book I hadn’t written yet, so I could buy the house that same ex lived in and force her to move. I wanted my face on the cover of a book. I didn’t want to write a book, my ego simply wanted to have one. A New York Times Bestselling one, without trying.

Today, I want to write a book, having one seems surreal and a little misplaced to me. I don’t want my face on the cover.

I don’t want to have a book but I know I have to write one. I know I have, not a collection of drunken tales but instead an overall story I need to tell and I hope is heard.

Not for fame, not for money and not for recognition. But because it’s compelling and I feel people can learn and grow from it. Adolescents and adults alike can read it and maybe make one less painful mistake than I did. It is a cautionary tale that educates and entertains. I provide a unique perspective and story in which only I can.

It’s not a story of glory or glamour. It’s one of hardship, constant struggle, an immense amount of pain, death, highs and lows, hate, anger, fear, resentment heartbreak and then finally miracles and blessings.

As well as how I’ve finally found a way to make it to the other side of all of it and begin to live a life that almost resembles normalcy some days.

Oh and there’s plenty of insanity, chaos and funny shit in there too, mainly because that is the grand total of the life I’ve led thus far.

Another recurring theme of Ryan Holiday’s “Perennial Seller” is aiming for longevity. Not playing the game for the instant gratification and immediate but short lived benefits of rushed work. Which is a struggle I know all too well.

I wanted to publish this 45 minutes after I initially started writing it 3 days ago because I want what I want and I want it now. Instead, here I am three days later trying to perfect it.

So yeah, I read too much Ryan Holiday and Robert Greene and then threw out three quarters of what I just spent the last nine months stringing together. I trashed 78 of 100 “finished” pages.

The writer in me wouldn’t allow me to part with the other 22 pages. When I tried to, he claimed they were literary gold and I should be imprisoned for conspiracy and destruction of property for attempting to sabotage his master piece.

It had to be done. If I really want to write a book, i’ll rewrite it and both myself and those 78 pages will be better for it. Maybe then I’ll start to believe Ryan isn’t speaking to me directly when he so correctly states “most people should not write a book”.

Besides, I still have the notes that helped me put those pages together. As well as each and every memory I’ve lived through which at the end of the day are my most valuable asset. The good, bad, indifferent and the beautiful. Tragedy and triumph all in one tale. A tale I feel obligated to tell.

I have a new angle and purpose and it requires new pages. I’m in this for the long game, however long of a game it may be.

Suckers settle for short cuts that lead to short lived success. Hustlers and sharks see well beyond and play that game. Always with the eight ball in mind.

The Ascent

Brian Brewington

Written by

Writing About the Human Condition, via My Thoughts, Observations, Experiences, and Opinions — Founder of Journal of Journeys and BRB INC ©

The Ascent

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