I Needed A List For Comfort

When my son died I knew there would be nights like tonight. I was hoping I could avoid them. If only I could stay busy, work hard, read a lot, play with my daughter. But, nights like tonight still come. Nights when I cry, and curl up, and hope that something changes. Nights when watching what I ate all day becomes void as I slowly empty an entire sleeve of saltines. Nights when I stop answering my phone, and when it rings I glare at it because somewhere in the back of my mind pushing that green button could produce catastrophic results.

Then I make a list. Lists make my world feel a little more stable. Lists help me see the facts. To me, lists mean I can be more focused, and less of a mess. So tonight I made a list. What comfort is….it’s not a great title, but it is what I needed. I thought, just maybe, it might be what you need too?

What comfort is:

1. A big, soft sweater pulled around your aching body.
2. A fluffy blanket tucked under your toes.
3. A pile of notebooks, and pens to take down your fleeting thoughts.
4. A dozen or so books beside you to choose from when the tears have dried.
5. A banana bread beer. It’s familiar taste from a date you went on long ago.
6. A cowl, half knitted, waiting to be finished.
7. A song, played on repeat to soothe your soul.
8. Gorgeous pictures filling your Tumblr feed, to bring you back to a place of calm.
9. Soup in your bowl, because you know that eating is part of self care.
10. Lists that you make to help you feel like you have some sanity left.